Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Separate Room: 5 February 2016 + Same Room: 9 April 2016 Separate Room: 25 February 2017 Still living together
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
It has been the MLC articles which have given me strength. So I thought moving to the MLC topic was good to be on. I have released that all I see on the forums is the Last Resort Technique.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
I think that because most people come here when it is so late in the process, or an OP is already involved, that LRT is pretty much the recommended approach.
The other DB things still apply though -
Cheeseless tunnels - stop doing more of what doesn't work 180's - Act the opposite from your usual self GAL - find new hobbies or rediscover old passions. Make new friends. Rekindle old friendships. Self Help - focus on you and improve yourself, body, mind and soul
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
I would disagree. This is where you feel more comfortable of what they have identified. Newcomers are more confused and in the initial state. Plenty more questions and reactions. I have seen people solve their marriage on this thread. See Newcomers OP is usually already involved. It is the first wave hence the name newcomers.
Now what I am thinking is what to do different as Michele suggests. That is what to do when/if I get back to up.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Hi WillDo, it's up to you where you post of course. It would be great if you could post a little summary of your sitch here to help others without following the link.
I recall dropping in here in the early days - seeing the longevity of some situations and thinking Yikes!! That's not where I want to be! - But here I am three years on and there are some great people posting in this part of the forum.
So, welcome to you and good luck with your journey.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So back in August 2014, she gave me the I love you but speak. However, what I had really discovered on those days, conversations she was having with OM. I applied DR fairly early on and had some progress of staying together. Last 2 weeks we had an argument in bed. She asked me not to touch her and told me that we were only co-existing. The conflict increased nothing big but I said that I would prefer her not to make me little in front of the kids. I also told her that I was feeling that the affair continued as she kept messaging. W basically went cold on me and started sleeping in the other room. Next day talked bout D and I started running through the Last Resort. I have been extremely patient which sandi2 really highlighted more on not to be the Nice guy.
I totally remember you stitch. I had been reading about it. What I really remember is reading about shodan here with you. I had learned a lot.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
I popped my head into your thread early on and intended reading more and sharing some words with you. It is still on my to do list but you moving here has bumped that up. Action - reaction.That is how I see this process. Once we recover enough and are no longer spinning, we can take actions to move in the right direction. These actions cause opportunities to arise that move us forward. I am not claiming to be a vet or able to help you move forward, but I did think it was worth mentioning.
I agree with Sotto that it could help you get more replies if you posted a summary here. Not everyone spends hours a day here and you could miss some great advice/comments by some people not having the time to go through your previous threads in newcomers.
Anyway welcome to your new digs.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I would disagree. This is where you feel more comfortable of what they have identified. Newcomers are more confused and in the initial state. Plenty more questions and reactions. I have seen people solve their marriage on this thread. See Newcomers OP is usually already involved. It is the first wave hence the name newcomers.
Now what I am thinking is what to do different as Michele suggests. That is what to do when/if I get back to up.
Fair point, most of us in Newcomers are in a bit of disarray
There is certainly plenty of good advice & comfort from looking at long term scenarios in this forum.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Today was interesting. We were to go to a talk together. Tickets were bought. I was very hesitant to go or not as it would be seen pursuing. But one part of me felt she wanted me there. Well it turned out to be a very pleasant night. After 2 weeks she started talking to me but still pointed out she was angry at what I said. I apologised for the way she felt. I feel a slight dose of happiness. As Michele says, don't give up when things are down. it is normal. Still need patience. But I wanted to share it with you all. You need to experiment. You need to read your spouse.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
