Ugh. I feel myself spiraling now. And those damn what-ifs...our own gateway into hell. Why couldn't she have had a normal childhood that was absent all the abuse?
Jeep, the question of "Why couldn't she have had a normal childhood?" ... a similar question applies to us as well: "Why couldn't we have had a normal marriage?"
Just as our ex's didn't deserve to be abused, we didn't deserved to be married to them and suffer the ramifications of their emotional problems. They were damaged by their abuse, and we were, by entangling ourselves with them for many years, by giving ourselves to them, affected by the reverberations of their problems.
I can't answer the "why?" but I do know the only way forward is to let it go, close that door, burn that bridge. Stop the co-dependency, that desire to be the rescuer, the fixer.
You know this. I know this. Just so hard to do.
The point I'm making is, the questions you want to throw at your ex, throw it at yourself, because you can't save her; you can only save yourself.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Unless my wife kept something from me and our therapist, i'm pretty darn sure my wife had a normal childhood. Nothing too horrible as far as I know, and she's still super close with her family. Although, i now see that her family does have some moral issues that seem to accept adultery (not her brother though).
Like yours, her family is OK with her behavior because she is such an "angel." They don't know of her adultery, all save her step dad, and even he wrote it off. I will say this, if they keep up their crap, some surgical strikes may be in order. All I have to do release just a small portion to one person to create a hell like they have never seen...they are slowly pushing and pushing me to do just that. I'm trying to take the high road, but they are making it hard not to curb stomp them all.
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So, a normal childhood maybe not have prevented everything.
Maybe not, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
A friend of mine just told me that my W changed her name on her FB and removed my last name. She kept all her pics of us on there, but changed her name. I also don't think I'll ever get rid of the stuff I have from her. After my W told me of her A she was texting me constantly telling me how much she loved me, how nice it was to hold me and make love to me, etc, etc. I just want to forward those to her and ask her where the h*** did that woman go??
Mine blocked me, my family, and all of our mutual friends...even mutual friends who were hers to start with but I have gotten close to. Seems that she doesn't want to see things. haha. Seems that she was texting you that stuff to keep you on as plan b?
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She had a bad upbringing as, but I agree with KevinIn...it probably wouldn't have mattered and the outcome would most likely be the same.
The scope and depth of my ex's abuse is on the insane level. I will discuss it, but not on here. I mean bad. Honestly, I'm not surprised that there have been at least two suicide attempts that I became aware of only after the BD. Sure, I am aware of her being an adult and making decisions and knowing right from wrong - but as our MC/my IC said, her past plays such a strong role in her present that no matter what would have been done, this marriage wouldn't have made it. However, I'm confident that it would have stood more than a fighting chance had she a better childhood.
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Sorry you are having a bad one going down memory lane Jeep. Picturing your wedding day and all. Unfortunately, I'm sure there are going to be more days like today so just hang in there. Just [censored] a** that they don't miss that life anymore!
Thank you, my friend. It's funny how something will make a memory pop. I agree, there probably will be many more days like this. Just have to compartmentalize them.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just as our ex's didn't deserve to be abused, we didn't deserved to be married to them and suffer the ramifications of their emotional problems. They were damaged by their abuse, and we were, by entangling ourselves with them for many years, by giving ourselves to them, affected by the reverberations of their problems.
Very well said, my friend. The reverberations of their problems shake our own web down to its core. They are all tied together... Sigh.
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You know this. I know this. Just so hard to do.
You are right, sir. I know this. I just can't pull that trigger.
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The point I'm making is, the questions you want to throw at your ex, throw it at yourself, because you can't save her; you can only save yourself.
Probably the best words I've ever read on this forum. Thank you!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I like that, a lot. Today is not a good day, either...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Today is just another sucktastic day. I find myself going down memory lane again and I'm not quite sure how to stop it. All the way back to our wedding weekend again. Sigh.
I should know better. It's been over for a long time. I shouldn't care anymore, but I do. I shouldn't think about our failed marriage, but I do.
I just don't know how to rid myself of this ghost that has become a full-fledged haunting these past couple of days. There isn't anything of us anymore, but I still think like there is sometimes. I don't remember the bad times, because quite honestly, there weren't any. You know, maybe there was one disagreement/argument for the entire 10 years. Truth.
I'm stuck in what-if land, and there isn't a door out.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Today is just another sucktastic day. I find myself going down memory lane again and I'm not quite sure how to stop it. All the way back to our wedding weekend again. Sigh.
Jeep74, I think you may benefit from the abandonment book that Mach1 suggested for me. It not only explains all of these cycles we go through, but also gives really concrete, tactical ways of addressing them. I think you need to develop some new skills to deal with the ghost, the memories, the what-if land. And it's not just putting them out of your mind, or ignoring them or stuffing them...it's acknowledging them...and then learning to let them go...I'm not doing a good job of explaining...call it prayer, call it meditation, call it whatever you want...but there are physical and mental exercises that can really help with getting your head and heart in a better place.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I think you may benefit from the abandonment book that Mach1 suggested for me. It not only explains all of these cycles we go through, but also gives really concrete, tactical ways of addressing them.
Sounds like a solid recommendation to me.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
