Can't sleep. For anyone not knowing, H moved out 2.5 months ago. There is OW. I found out H is taking OW to meet his family this weekend at his brother wedding. At this point, I'm committed to saving my marriage, but not attached. He has assured me through words and actions, he is done. Should I send the below message to my in-laws or not? Do I have anything to lose at this point? Do I have anything to gain? I'm not thinking clearly and need input.
Dad and Tonya. Im very sad to send you this message. I am asking for your help regarding Don and our marriage. You both know how to stay committed thru ups and downs of marriage and how to work out differences. Please help Don give our marriage another chance. This is the most important thing I've ever fought for. We have both made mistakes. I know I may be pushing water uphill. But in my heart, I love Don. I love our family. If anyone can help us you can. The bottom line is no matter what happens, I love you all. Congratulations on John's wedding. I truly wish Steve (son) and I were there to celebrate with you.
M: 49 H: 47 Son: 8 DBomb: Dec 9, 2016 H moved out: Jan 24, 2017
I know that hurt deeply to overhear. I'm sorry you are going through this. Seems that the WAS does not understand that couples fall in and out of love evall the time. It's part of the marital journey. Commitment is key. When there is no commitment, there is a lack of grounding. You know?
It's like the marital moral compass is broken for so many people.
This I am certain of: no matter what, this hurts like hell! There are no words that take away the pain of betrayal, mistrust, disappointed, devastation, and the crushing feeling of our hearts and dreams being shattered.
I'm with you through this.
Both our spouses have called it quits and seemingly for good. Now what do we do?
M: 49 H: 47 Son: 8 DBomb: Dec 9, 2016 H moved out: Jan 24, 2017
Can't sleep. For anyone not knowing, H moved out 2.5 months ago. There is OW. I found out H is taking OW to meet his family this weekend at his brother wedding. At this point, I'm committed to saving my marriage, but not attached. He has assured me through words and actions, he is done. Should I send the below message to my in-laws or not? Do I have anything to lose at this point? Do I have anything to gain? I'm not thinking clearly and need input.
Dad and Tonya. Im very sad to send you this message. I am asking for your help regarding Don and our marriage. You both know how to stay committed thru ups and downs of marriage and how to work out differences. Please help Don give our marriage another chance. This is the most important thing I've ever fought for. We have both made mistakes. I know I may be pushing water uphill. But in my heart, I love Don. I love our family. If anyone can help us you can. The bottom line is no matter what happens, I love you all. Congratulations on John's wedding. I truly wish Steve (son) and I were there to celebrate with you.
Absolutely not. Do not involve them as it won't do anything, period, except piss off all parties involved. That is a door you don't want to open. Given the fact that he is taking the OW to meet his family speaks volumes...and says that they are into it. Another reason not to do it. 2x4 - THERE IS NO MARRIAGE TO SAVE.
Sorry, but it is what it is. Take this time to take care of yourself and your son. That is - and should be - your ONLY focus now. Good luck!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It's like the marital moral compass is broken for so many people.
Truth. However, that's more indicative of society today - and the "everybody gets a trophy mentality that has been drummed into our heads.
Quote:
Both our spouses have called it quits and seemingly for good. Now what do we do?
Live your own life. The other no longer exists.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
As hard to hear....Thank you. I didnt send it. As I said in previous post, I intuitively know there is nothing here to save. He is not the man I want. It's just so hard to accept!
M: 49 H: 47 Son: 8 DBomb: Dec 9, 2016 H moved out: Jan 24, 2017
As hard to hear....Thank you. I didnt send it. As I said in previous post, I intuitively know there is nothing here to save. He is not the man I want. It's just so hard to accept!
I can totally relate. It was almost 2.5 years from BD to the divorce and in that time it was almost pure hell...well, until about six or so months before the divorce when I just said f*** it and gave up. It is what it is. Sorry you are in a very tough spot - one that is sucktastic at best.
You are going to be just fine. Just fine!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Tonight while away with his OW, my H just texted me, "pls say goodnight to our son and tell him I love him". I SO badly want to reply that he can go "have sex" with himself. Seriously?!? While, he is off rendezvousing; with ow H texts me that?!? I'm so disgusted!
Hi love1st,
No need to respond to that text.
Originally Posted By: love1st
Can't sleep. For anyone not knowing, H moved out 2.5 months ago. There is OW. I found out H is taking OW to meet his family this weekend at his brother wedding. At this point, I'm committed to saving my marriage, but not attached. He has assured me through words and actions, he is done. Should I send the below message to my in-laws or not? Do I have anything to lose at this point? Do I have anything to gain? I'm not thinking clearly and need input.
Dad and Tonya. Im very sad to send you this message. I am asking for your help regarding Don and our marriage. You both know how to stay committed thru ups and downs of marriage and how to work out differences. Please help Don give our marriage another chance. This is the most important thing I've ever fought for. We have both made mistakes. I know I may be pushing water uphill. But in my heart, I love Don. I love our family. If anyone can help us you can. The bottom line is no matter what happens, I love you all. Congratulations on John's wedding. I truly wish Steve (son) and I were there to celebrate with you.
No need to send that text. Too much to loose and not much to gain. It may feel better in the short term, but it won't help your situation.
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I know I need to move on. I met with my counselor again this morning. and I told her of my conversation last week. She and I dissected it and she pointed out that my H most likely has the brain chemistry leading to alcoholism. He has on many occasions told me he likes to drink, get drunk, go to a bar and listen to music while drinking - his hobby, I've come to see clearly now - is drinking. Though he doesn't drink every night (at least while we lived together and I could see him), he drinks at every social event possible.
I thought it was normal - like hanging out with the guys. "A man needs his freedom", right? Well, in hindsight, I understand that the OW is not a love match. It is a drinking match. He specifically told me that "we have drinking in common" and "she likes to drink more than you do".
I am not a teetotaler but I'm not a "drinker" either. I love listening to music and throwing back some drinks! I have drinks now and again when at parties, etc. However, I can now see the "fundamental difference" that my H was talking about - he wants a life of no accountability, no responsibility and drinking. I'm up to more than that. I want a partnership, marriage, commitment, love, loyalty and personal/partnered growth. When I married him, he was up for that too. We both were very much into personal development and bettering ourselves. Then we had our son and life happened....we stopped growing. I think his brain chemistry kept going toward his alcoholic tendency.
Right now, there is no chance of reconciliation. He does not want to change. It is clear that he has made his choice. Just like his dad, my H is choosing beer over his own family...his own son.
I am sad - hurt - disgusted - and feel like I failed tremendously. I know I can't go back but I keep thinking how could I have prevented this from happening?? Could I have seen the signs of an alcoholic in the making? Could I have stopped it from happening if I had seen it?
We have an 8 yr old....I know I now have to be very vigilant about the signs of this so that (1) I can spot it early on when I begin dating again and (2) so I can see if any such tendency is in my son.
I'm scared about this...I'm sad about this....and I feel like I could have prevented it.
M: 49 H: 47 Son: 8 DBomb: Dec 9, 2016 H moved out: Jan 24, 2017
