MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[HaWho]

Well, in MLC their "empathy chips" are busted. And sure, some of them will talk your ear off having no self awareness nor situational awareness. Their wiring is all jumbled. Painful as it, if you can try to listen, you will learn more of where his head is.

They have massive confusion and it's genuine. My h would say the most outlandish things and the next day not remember any of it. He doesn't want to work at the r because he is regressing emotionally and he's going to seek out "fixes." No one knows what forms these will take: spending, partying, OW, drugs, tattoos, vitamins or all these and then some more.

Anyway, welcome and continue to take care of you.

[SBJ]

Kind of OCD type of fixes? I think my W is stuck on her fitness and her youthful appearance. She is 5'2", 110#, with washboard abs and she has just decided to go on a carb free diet so she can trim down. She is already very low body fat since you can see her abs.

She has also decided to start with the botox and wrinkle fillers on a semi regular basis. She is 43yo and looks better now than she ever has...ok maybe not, I started dating her when she was 18...she was hot. All kidding aside, I have heard of these addiction type activities and these are the only ones I can see for her. She doesn't drink and she barely takes Tylenol for headaches. She has always been a spender, so that hasn't changed.

[marye]

Karen, our stories and timelines are so similar! Your H's answers are very similar to mine.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem so intelligent and strong ! You'll get through this!

[NLW]

Karen,
I am so sorry that you find yourself going through this nightmare. It’s very hard, I know.

Couldn’t help but see myself in your post:

“Expectations is definitely something I'm working on. Honestly I expected once he was gone for a few weeks that he would show up going "what did I just do?", instead I found out he's really probably with OW. So expectations hit me like a hammer. I need to learn Expectations and Detachment, and fast.”

The biggest thing I’ve learnt from my experience is that there’s nothing I could have done that would have made a difference to my XH's MLC trajectory or to how he treated me and our kids.

So my advice would be to try to accept that you can’t influence him any more - about anything. This was the hardest thing for me to come to grips with.

I’m nearly 6 years in, and there’s no sign that my XH has made any progress or has any insight into how he’s treated us. I’ve heard that he has broken up with OW, and then gotten back with her several times over. We heard he moved to Cambodia to live and then moved back to our town where we think he now lives with his mother (he is 47 years old).

The fact that, at the start, he often cried and told me how confused he was; that he apologized repeatedly for what he was doing (maintaining an affair and walking out on his children, aged 12 and 15 at the time) made me even more certain that he would miss us and eventually come back .

Well, that 12yo boy turned 18 last year, and my daughter celebrated her 21st last week. XH was nowhere to be seen.

Experienced and caring people on this site gave me good advice along the way when I posted in despair: set your expectations at zero, detach, remember that he fired you as his wife; DB is for you, not for him; this is a marathon, not a sprint.

I tried to take this advice on board, but always, at the back of my mind, was the thought that this man would eventually come back to his family, who he had loved so much – I knew in my heart that eventually he’d come to his senses and return to us. I spent months and months, indeed years of my life, trying to strategize and plan and present myself to him as someone he’d want to be with (DBing to get him back, if you like.)

Now in my 6th year without him, what I’ve learned is it didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do in relation to him along the way. I tried so hard to stand for our marriage, even when he changed into monster mode (around the time of D settlement).

Looking back on this process, what I’ve realized is that nothing that you can contribute seems to influence an MLC-er. It seems that for those going through an MLC, the only way out is to keep going. And often that takes a very long time.

This is what everyone means when they say DB is for you; not to try to win him back or make him see the wrongness or irrationality of his choices.

The good news is that eventually you realize that the personal changes you’ve made and the pain and suffering you’ve endured might actually have been worth it. You are a different, stronger, better person.

What I’m trying to say is that, in hindsight, I spent far too long thinking that I could do something to make him come back, treat us better, realize that he still loved us. I really think that MLC is something that can’t be controlled, rather has to be endured and lived through.

Or maybe it’s just that you can never really control anyone but yourself. I get that now.

I truly hope it might be different for you - obviously some come out of the fog quicker than others. Just be prepared for the long haul, and don't worry too much about how he'll react / think about the things you do or don't do.

[Brubeck]

Hi Karen,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I suggest finding posters and/or threads that help you find insight into your own particular situation.

I'd also search the boards here for any testimony from MLC survivors. It's been 1 year for me and I still get incredibly angry about what my W is doing to our family. I struggle with forgiveness and empathy. Reading from the MLCers themselves helps me to understand what a mess their mind is. Some posters to search for include AmyC / Amy40, Wonka, M Go Blue, mirage (I think Cadet is a survivor too). Listen to job as well.

My only 2 cents is watch out for further rewriting of history. My W will rewrite things that happened earlier in that same day. Also, the more horrible behavior your H seeks to get into, the more gaslighting he will engage in. Watch out for that.

From your introductory post, you are definitely one smart, tough woman. You have got a grip on things pretty clearly.

[peacetoday]

HI K

Seems like you have already gotten some great advice
Its a long road and as was already said there is nothing we could do or have done to stop it
The Mlcer changes be4 our eyes from a devoted dad to a Disney unavailable dad
Many of them follow a pattern, they rewrite history, dress younger, loose weight, spend a lot of money and many hang out with younger friends become neglectful of the kids
My XH got a motorcycle, dyed his hair and eyebrows, wore younger clothes
mine Lied about the OW until the end..he M her as far as I know they are still M
although he has confided to a mutual friend he wants out of the M
Yes they leave to find the happiness that they dont have with us
but what they dont realize is happiness is a choice and a behavior
no one else can make you happy or unhappy
My MLcer xh is miserable now..I got confirmation of that when He left a voice mail to me on my work phone a few months ago..He never found the rainbow
DB is for us
we become a solid rock for our kids
We grow change and become the people we want to be
and yes we find happiness again whether they return or not
I remember MY XH told me I wanted this also and I would meet someone I would be happier with
I didn't want my D and would have done anything to bring him back
but now I am grateful he has left
I have a great kind and available BF for many years and my kids are both doing well

[Brubeck]

Kind of OCD type of fixes? I think my W is stuck on her fitness and her youthful appearance.

SBJ -

What I'm seeing is OCD / ADD type fixes! My W gets heavily fixated on one thing for a couple of months and then moves on to something else. Perhaps this is just my sitch.

All her fixes are related to improving her appearance or her social life (Girls nights, cardio workouts, painting class, jogging, alumni reunions, wonder diets, etc.). Right now she is obsessed with keeping her legs hairless. She plucks at her bikini area with tweezers almost every night. A couple of weeks ago she locked herself in our attic for over a half-hour with her depilatory razor buzzing the entire time, well after midnight.

Like many MLCers, my W is clutching her cell phone all day long. Now, alongside any activity she does, she is also playing music or on a phone call. It's like she has to be doing 2 things at once whenever she can.

[Bird]

Karen, our stories and timelines are so similar! Your H's answers are very similar to mine.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem so intelligent and strong ! You'll get through this!

Thank you Marye - and yes, they sure are! I've been reading your thread as well. They really mean it when they say to buckle up, don't they?

[Bird]

HaWho, SBJ, NLW, Brubeck and Peacetoday... thank you all for your kind welcomes and insight. I'm hoping to continue to learn how to apply this wisdom effectively in the coming months. It's been what... 10 months since BD and I still feel like I got the wind knocked out of me.

I'm having a tough week. I feel like I get to a point where I'm gathering steam and moving along nicely, and then something knocks me off my horse, you know? I've been running 3x a week and signed up last week for my first 5k. But also last week I got off my running game due to some busy evenings and no time to run.

Then my birthday was Saturday, which friends and family made extra special for me, but still it was tough. H had the girls - D12 had the stomach bug and was in bed but D10 and I got together so I could take her to breakfast on Saturday. It was just a weird day and not one I'd like to repeat. Still, I turned 42 and since it's the answer to everything in the Universe, I'm hoping that things start to make sense for me this year.

Then, last night we had a huge snowstorm. The news had been hyping it all weekend and it started yesterday afternoon. By the time we woke up today there was a good 12 or more inches in my driveway and a solid 2-1/2 feet at the end where the plows had snowed us in. Part of the agreement with H moving out was that he would still keep up the house as though he was here, be it snow removal or mowing. He was not to be seen this morning so I texted him. Waited 45 mins (late to work now) and no reply, so I called a plow guy and ordered a plow. Then H finally texts me back and says he'd turn around from his commute to work. I texted back (which I should not have done) and said I wasn't sure why when he had to shovel himself out why he wouldn't think the driveway would be done, but then I'm trying to temper my expectations...(I was an hour late for work at this point and was hopping mad) He texts back and says he has turned around and is coming over. I told him not to bother, that plow guy already answered. I got a contrite apology and he said he'd stop over tonight in case it needed it again. Plow guy didn't show up until noon so I ended up having to take a vacation day. H comes by around 6 and snowblows the turnaround that the plow guy plowed in (we have a 200' driveway and a two lane spot by the garage to turn around in). Which then made me feel bad for being snotty this morning, even though he is the one who failed to keep up his end of the deal. I texted him to say thank you for blowing out the turnaround, he texted back and said he was sorry again about this morning.

I just feel crappy now. I'm upset that he didn't do the driveway, upset that I lost my temper, upset that he apologized 3 times and fixed it, upset that he isn't here. It just [censored]. And tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and for the first time in 20 years, I hate it. I did do something special for the girls for when they wake up, and I'm taking them to dinner tomorrow (they refused to leave me to spend Valentine's with their dad). I told him he could come by after we get home from dinner so that he can give them their valentines from him.

Ugh. I was just feeling so good until the end of last week and now I feel like a hot mess all over again. I thought it was the MLCrs who were supposed to cycle? I find myself wondering if he got OW a valentine. I need to climb out of my black hole again.

[Gordie]

Great job re the running. And happy birthday! I'm glad you were able to spend it with people who love you and the girls, even with the sickness.

Re the driveway. That's a tough one as he didn't do what he said he was going to do and it just reminds you that he wasn't thinking of you. These little things are like daggers to the heart. I think this is why the vets tell us to keep our expectations at zero. When they are above zero, your H has the opportunity to affect how you are feeling and you need to free yourself from that--take that power away from him.

Happy Valentine's Day--hope you can make it positive for your girls and yourself.