My wife left me about a month ago. I don't know whether I should post a story here, first, but I have something I specifically want to talk about.
I don't know whether to pursue her or not. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision. My dad and step mom are saying to sweep her off her feet with romance. The advice at this website seems centered on pulling back from her. I don't know what to do. My mom says to work on me and try to make my wife jealous, by making myself more attractive, which is more in line with what this site says, I believe, which is to make myself a person only an idiot wouldn't want back. I have been trying to pack on the pounds with muscle and a little fat, and I have been doing a good job. My weight is now back up to where it was before she broke my heart in late November / early December, when she initially went cold on me and started building a wall. I've been very suspicious that she fell for someone at work, and that I have been replaced. She has loved me and loved me so, so very much. She has always been very needy of my attention. For her to just all of a sudden cut me off the way she has done, I have to think she is getting the attention she needs elsewhere, even if it's just emotional attention (which I believe it would be, but do think it's possible she could have become physical, at least by 'accident'). The last time she pulled away from me, the first year we were dating, another guy was involved. 9 years later, a similar thing is happening, but we are now married (for exactly 7 years, when she started going cold on me right after our anniversary, in late November). Because I believe she has replaced me, though I have little evidence of it, it seems so counter-intuitive to think that pulling away from her is going to do anything more than help her get over me and be more into this other guy she might be with.
What should I do? And why? Thank you very much for any advice.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I see that in the Going Dark thread, people say that if your spouse complained of you being aloof, then going dark could be seen as more of the same. The primary thing I'm guilty of that she has complained about a ton is neglecting her, forgetting that it's my job to impress her, not understanding that just because I'm happy, that doesn't mean she is, even if she acts like it 90% of the time (at least in my eyes). So, I'm afraid that not pursuing her is doing the opposite of what she needs. Unfortunately, she doesn't often act very receptive to my pursuits. She has rejected most of my requests to do things with her, things she used to love, like going on walks, hikes, and canoeing, even though when she left, she said I would be able to date her during this time. What are the situations in which pulling back from her are not a good idea? At some point, it's got to be bad, right? If someone else is working their way into my spot, isn't me going dark like the last thing in the world that would help my situation?
It seems that distance can do one of two things, make them miss you or make them get over you. It seems like such a bargain. I can't help but wonder if there are better solutions out there. Can you share with me the rationale behind detaching or going dark? When my wife rarely ever initiates communication, I don't know whether that is a sign that I should go dark, or if she is holding back, letting me be the pursuer and the one rejected for once. She's always been a "I'll show you how it feels" person. Yesterday we saw each other at the park, where I got to visit with our dog, too. She was about 10 minutes late. Lateness is something that I was always terrible about, and something that she's always been good about. So, I think it's possible that a whole lot of what she does is just trying to make me see how it feels.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
***My wife left me about a month ago. I don't know whether I should post a story here, first, but I have something I specifically want to talk about.***
Yes, please post your story/background here because it's hard to give any advice without knowing more about your situation.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
My dad and step mom are saying to sweep her off her feet with romance. The advice at this website seems centered on pulling back from her.
You are going to get varying opinions on this. Remember, only you know your wife and how she'll respond. What works for some definitely does not for others. Mine, for example, ran when I tried the DB techniques...but then again, her mind is much, much different than others.
Quote:
My mom says to work on me and try to make my wife jealous, by making myself more attractive, which is more in line with what this site says, I believe, which is to make myself a person only an idiot wouldn't want back.
Solid advice. However, it must come with a word of warning - DO NOT make any changes to yourself with the idea of winning your wife back. That isn't what working on yourself if all about. That's a very dangerous trap.
You make your changes for your own self, not in the hopes of her saying "look at what I'm missing." If you change for another and it doesn't work out, then you'll be left with much resentment - towards her and YOU. No other way around it.
As have been said many times on here - you are on your own path now. You can make sure it has room for her, but that's just it. You walk it yourself, and you must own it yourself. Unfortunately, your wife is on her own path - and like all of the rest of us, that path has room for them only.
I wish that you weren't here and going through this sucktastic thing. I truly do. No one deserves this unless they were a total sh*thead. This place is great. Vent all you need, sir.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
DO NOT make any changes to yourself with the idea of winning your wife back. That isn't what working on yourself if all about. That's a very dangerous trap.
You make your changes for your own self, not in the hopes of her saying "look at what I'm missing." If you change for another and it doesn't work out, then you'll be left with much resentment - towards her and YOU. No other way around it.
Not only this, but if you change 'for her', then it wont stick. Remember all of the times you fought with her and said "Ill do X better" and then 3 weeks later it was back to the same?
As for my opinion on your question I dont see how pursuing her will possibly work in your favor. You said youve already asked her out several times to no avail. Why would continuing to do the same thing yield different results?
My wife left me about a month ago. I don't know whether I should post a story here, first, but I have something I specifically want to talk about.
It's like asking for a prescription without you describing the symptoms. If we have some background information, it will help us know the best advice to give you.
What are the ages of you and wife? Has your W been in any previous long-term relationship, or are you the first one?
Did your W have a fairly normal/healthy childhood?
Quote:
My dad and step mom are saying to sweep her off her feet with romance.
If your W has some other guy in her head, then the advice to sweep her off her feet with romance will not work at all. In fact, it will make matters worse. You see, whenever a married woman opens her heart to some other man, she shuts downs her heart to her husband. It's not like it might have been when you were dating before marriage. Not if she has brought a third party into the MR (either emotionally, physically, or just her imagination). So, I think you can mark that particular advice off the list.
Quote:
My mom says to work on me and try to make my wife jealous, by making myself more attractive, which is more in line with what this site says, I believe, which is to make myself a person only an idiot wouldn't want back.
I mostly agree with your mom's advice. However, you realize that there are a lot of idiots in the world, right? Whenever a wife has another man in her head (or bed).....she pretty much resembles a fool/idiot. Her logic goes out the window, so can forget about trying to reason with her. This is not the same girl you married!
Quote:
but do think it's possible she could have become physical, at least by 'accident'
Would you explain what you mean by accident?
Quote:
Because I believe she has replaced me, though I have little evidence of it, it seems so counter-intuitive to think that pulling away from her is going to do anything more than help her get over me and be more into this other guy she might be with.
DBing is counterintuitive, period.
Quote:
The last time she pulled away from me, the first year we were dating, another guy was involved. 9 years later, a similar thing is happening, but we are now married (for exactly 7 years, when she started going cold on me right after our anniversary, in late November).
Briefly tell us about the other time. Why did she do it, and what caused her to change her mind and go back to you?
My advice is to forget about going dark. You need to read Divorce Remedy, first of all. The way I understand "going dark" is the absolutely last option, where you basically fall off the planet....for all your W knows. There are too many other things to do, other than going dark. But this is what happens when someone jumps into things before they understand what they are really doing.
Anyway, keep posting and reading the links Cadet sent you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for all of your responses. I have read each of them. I just got The Divorce Remedy in the mail yesterday. I am reading that. I am very interested in The Last Resort Technique - A Divorce Busting® Guide, but I want to know what exactly I am getting. Can I download any of the videos and immediately start watching or do I have to wait for all of it to get to me in a physical package? Thank you all for your help. I will get back to you on the things you brought up or asked me.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
