I have been looking as the information and postings on this site for a few months. I have to say the postings whilst full of pain are a lot more positive than other forums I have looked at and full of recalling useful information.
My situation is as follows: BD and ILYBNILWY was May 2015 so not exactly a newbie it has been an incredible journey full of highs and lows. Initially contact was regular even though what I got was crumbs. Whilst I was always suspicious OW was not confirmed until June last year. Previously he always kept it hidden, I did not snoop but he was seen. Since he knows I know things have become worse, I have not seen or spoken to him since July last year, he has done some really awful things since then with the last being in October last year.
We had text that went backwards and forwards at that time but since then nothing, no contact at all. We are currently going through the process of divorce and financial settlement but he is stalling at every turn, probably because it is not in his best interests as I am currently paying everything with no contribution from him.
We do not have children but I want to at least know where I stand financially, my mum wants me to contact him to at least try and resolve the position. I have tried through the solicitor but no joy.
My problem is I really don't want to contact him and do not want to be seen as the pursuer, been there before.
The more I have NC with him the calmer I am, I just don't have the energy anymore to be caught up in his drama, the last 19 months have been like something from a soap opera.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I guess I am standing in the hope of our marriage being restored, my hope at this stage though is low. I am not sure I can forgive but I am working on this
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Read the book and follow the steps. Start with a beginner' mind to re assess your situation. Then set goals.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Me 56 H 52 together 12. Years married 8 years. I have DB book, I have set goals and I am getting by, like most good and bad days. You may have gathered from some of my terminology in my initial post based in the UK, have to survive due to not job which involves travel throughout the UK. Just don't know what to do in respect of contact which is where I need advice.
