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[Moose42]

hi Gordie. we did grieve but would have like to gotten professional help for the family. I hid in the alcohol more than the wife did. M started to get strained about that time. we went through a lot with D before she passed.

[Cristy]

Experienced the nice and friendly one day cold and distant the next.
Just like you read on here seemed like someone other than my wife.
I started to back off a little and then just last week I found she is back to texting again.
This time with a guy she knew from childhood.
I have been using the LRT since then. dont know if is too late for marriage being I waited so long to implement any technique.

Trying to detach,GAL and work on some personal growth and goals now. We are both in IC and I am attending A.A.
12 step.
Love the boards and all the good people here.
Peace.

Hello Moose42,

I'm so sorry for the passing of your daughter and for the situation you are in currently.

Kudos to you for getting sober and working the 12 step program, keep it up!

Are you sure the LRT is the best course of action right now? It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Moose42]

Experienced the nice and friendly one day cold and distant the next.
Just like you read on here seemed like someone other than my wife.
I started to back off a little and then just last week I found she is back to texting again.
This time with a guy she knew from childhood.
I have been using the LRT since then. dont know if is too late for marriage being I waited so long to implement any technique.

Trying to detach,GAL and work on some personal growth and goals now. We are both in IC and I am attending A.A.
12 step.
Love the boards and all the good people here.
Peace.

Hello Moose42,

I'm so sorry for the passing of your daughter and for the situation you are in currently.

Kudos to you for getting sober and working the 12 step program, keep it up!

Are you sure the LRT is the best course of action right now? It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Hi Cristy. Thank you for the kind words. I really wish I could afford the coaching services. Flat broke at this time.
I am not really sure what is the best right now. So far in the couple weeks of LRT she has initiated contact a couple times. Something she has not done since S in Oct.
Seemed as if we were going along good for a while but after holidays she has been back to the cold, distant and EA that she denies. I guess I am just going by DR which mentioned LRT if separated. Also per Sandys rules.
Looking for all the advise I can get at this time. Thank you.
Moose.

[Moose42]

Bump. Any advise?

[010207]

Being new here myself, Moose, I'm just going to repeat what I've read.
Do not initiate contact unless absolutely necessary.
Be business like but nice in any contact you do have.
Do your 180's and figure out how to be the best Moose you can be.

I guess what I've been doing is thinking, IF I actually lose my H and have to get on with my life, how do I want that life to look? If I have to put myself into the dating scene, what would I change about myself to attract attention? Over the years I've become complacent and stopped worrying about attracting WH's attention. That's something I need to change. Maybe it will work, maybe not. But it's going to make me better. Be the man you've always wanted to be.

[Gordie]

Advice?

I'm going to say re-read the book and start following the steps...

1 Start with a beginner's mind...look at your M and R with a new set of eyes...what was good about it? what wasn't good about it? what complaints did your W had that had merit? what complaints did you have? what responsibility do you take?

2. Set goals...what are the big goals? but what are the smaller, achievable goals...that you could actually achieve in the next couple of weeks

3. Communicate your goals...does your W know what you want? if so, then you can skip this step...

4. Stop going down cheeseless tunnels...what do you know isn't working? can you stop doing those things?

5. Experiment and monitor results...sounds like you are starting to do that...remember to do what works...what are your 180s? how are you GAL? if LRT is working, keep doing it...if it isn't working, try something else...

[sandi2]

I had a lot to do with the way the M went. Not long after our D past in 2010 the intimacy slowed down. We started drinking heavy,got us into financial trouble. I just let myself go to hell.
My biggest regret is that I didn't get the family into grief counseling.

So sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter about 13 months ago, and there have been many days I had no desire to get out of bed, eat, dress, or anything. I don't think it is too late for grief counseling, if you could influence your family to attend. We all deal with grief in our private ways, and some people don't emotionally deal at all.....b/c you are never ready for something so devastating as losing your child, no matter their age.

When you describe your W, it sounds as if you are describing me. Only, it was me almost ten years ago. I was reading the romance books, and playing the games.....in an EA, the whole bit. I was in such a depressed state. I remember how I desperately wanted to run away and escape my reality. In a sense, I suppose that is what I was doing. If my D had passed previous to that period, it might have made more sense as to why I seemed to have lost my way.

Many things will test the strength of a marriage, but I think there are two things that top the list. One is infidelity and the other is the death of a child. The first one is obvious to understand how it could break up a MR. However, the second one may not be understood as well. Unfortunately, I have seen young couples suffer the loss of their child.....and could not heal together and would eventually separate. I find it so tragic, but I think I can understand just a little bit. Emotional pain can be so personal and private. When relief seems to never come, we begin looking for something to ease the pain.

I can identify with your W "shutting down". The disinterest in her previous activities, and then she starts becoming more isolated with people IRL (so to speak). It is easier to have contact with strangers online, and lose herself in fantasy of romantic books. She may, or may not, look or act depressed outwardly, but I dare say this stems from her grief. If there were other issues in the past, then the grief may compound it all.

Can you tell us more about the MR before 2010?

[TxHubby]

What is your part in financing this fantasy life of hers? Is she paying 100% of her rent and expenses?

[Moose42]

Hi Sandi. Thanks for the reply.
We met in 96 married in 99. Her second marriage, my first.
All 3 kids are hers biologically. I adopted them in mid 2000's.
Marriage was pretty good up until then. Got out every other weekend or so. Bowling leagues,concerts,dinner. We started having trouble with D19 the year before she passed. Caused some tension between us.
After that we got ourselves into financial trouble. walked away from a mortgage after the housing mkt crashed.
We started to file for bankruptcy in 2011 but never carried through. We have been in major debt since then. My way of dealing with it all was to bury my feelings with liquor.W did the same for about 5 years then started "shutting down".
It seems for the last 3 years or so that all she did was read and play games. Looking back now that would have been a great time to sit and talk with her and try to figure things out. Hindsight. Thanks again everyone. Peace.

[sandi2]

Sounds as if the rug was pulled out for you two. Were there ever any texting or online gaming in the past?

We went to 2 couples sessions and she stopped going. Says she don't think she wants a divorce yet. Says we both have to work on ourselves.
Whenever I have brought up anything about the progress about the M or starting to work on R all I got from her is "I don't know".

I interpret this a little differently than the guys. IMHO, whenever a woman is saying this, she really means that she doesn't want to work as a "couple". In other words, she does not want to work on the MR, at the current time. When pushed, she said she didn't know.....but sometimes women will say that, rather than giving a clear & direct answer. However, I do agree that her saying she doesn't want a divorce could be seen as somewhat hopeful.....if you are willing to wait.

The fact that she did not want to continue with the MC, tells me she does not want to deal with a marriage relationship at this time.....b/c MR's have problems....and a past with memories. When it is taking all of her emotional energy to inhale & exhale, dealing with the realities of a MR could be seen as too much to undertake. It is easier and feels better to get lost in a fantasy relationship.

Let me ask a few questions about your MR before she started texting and gaming with OM. Which one of you were the main caretaker of the relationship? Who had the final say whenever a decision was made? Would you say she respected you as a man and as her H? By that, I mean whenever in front of friends/family, or out in public......did she ever speak a little disrespectful, make fun of you, put you down, roll her eyes, give heavy sighs, speak unkindly about you, fuss at you, etc? Was she used to having her way, throw fits, give the silent treatment.....and things along that line? Did you feel that you were trying to make her happy, in order to have peace? (I am trying to get a better picture of her, before she started this EA).

What were you like in the relationship with her? Are you the quiet, laid-back, nice guy that everyone likes? Did you enjoy spoiling her, or was it a chore to adjust around her mood swings? Did either of you use bullying type behavior? Would you yell, curse, or threaten her? What would she say about how you acted during one of the fights? What would she say is the worst side of you, and would she be correct?

Lots of questions, and maybe you don't see the point of answering them.....and that's okay. However, it would help us have a bigger view into the relationship.

Keep posting and stick with us.