The more history about the relationship you give us, the better we can see the overall picture.
Have either of you been in a long term relationship before this marriage? How long were you together before marrying her?
A little background. My W and I were together for 10 months before we both got married. Her longest relationship with anyone was 2 years before marriage. I was 26 and she was 38. There is a big age gap, and i didn't really see a problem with it.
Of course the first and second year are the romantic. We had fights about little things and who is texting who and a lot jealousy. I wanted to have children, and she tried and went to the doctor for a check up and then decided she didn't want burden herself with that. I became resentful and from what she has told me, she feels like i started to hate her. So we went on vacations, out of country and i thought she'd enjoy it, which she did, and we had little arguments then too. Nothing i wouldn't be worried about.
Well she bottled all of that up, and she's really not a great communicator. She loves to talk, and be friendly because she's a bartender. I Work on a ship with a 1 week on/off schedule. She loved when i was away and when i was home. She had always tried to do really nice things, that i overlooked, and expressed little emotion of. I was indifferent a lot of the time. When we had big fights, the yelling would start, id leave, she'd leave, we slept in different rooms. We of course had fights about money, and time and the M.
We bought properties together, because when were dating she told how much she would like to have rentals for income and we will be better off if we do. I have to hand it to her. She is really good with money. Well i always asked if i could access to the bank accounts for the rentals just to see. She said no, i became enraged, we yelled, left and slept in different rooms. I mean we slept in different rooms for 5 days at a time. So to be spiteful, i neglected to help her out with the work and maintenance of the property. Looking back, what a jerk i was.
I would complain she drinks too much, and she got arrested for a DUI. I wasn't mad i told her, just disappointed. I helped her the best i could, while she couldn't drive, then when she was able to, i let her be on her own with the classes she had to take and her work to do. She was stressed. I should have helped more and i would right now.
Its hard. She send me texts telling me to have a good day, talk issues she's having and thats about it. I can't take it. I just want to hold her and for her to believe me this time that i will change
It sounds as if the two of you were expressing love in different ways. I recommend the book about five love languages, to see how we all communicate our love....but not necessarily in the same way. I do caution you, however, b/c after reading it you will be eager to demonstrate speaking her LL.......which could be seen as pursuing.
About the age gap.......has she made recent references to her age? The closer she gets to her 40's, the more it may bother her that she is M to a much younger man. However, it is no guarantee. I have known a couple of women who were ten to fifteen years older than their H. In the beginning, it doesn't bother them, and it may even be an ego shot for their self esteem. The downside for them was the pressure to look as young as their H. Of course, the older they got, and the more people would ask about their ages.....the tougher it became to look and act 10-15 years younger. These women I knew were very jealous of any younger woman who showed attention to their H's, or vise-versa. So, it can be pressure for the older woman to "keep up" with her younger H. She would need to have a very healthy self esteem, IMHO.
How long had your W been out of her 2 year long-term R, before she met you and began dating? Was the other guy from her previous R younger, older, or close to her age? I hope she did not go with you as some sort of revenge tactic toward the previous man. I've known that to happen.....especially when it was the woman who got dumped for OW. What better way to hurt their previous man than to go with a guy almost half his age? Naturally, Not all women think this way.....but a few do.
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Well i always asked if i could access to the bank accounts for the rentals just to see. She said no,
Did she give a reason for saying "no"? If these are joint properties, you have the right to see, If you have joint accounts, you have the right to see it. Have you carelessly spent money in the past? It sounds as if she doesn't trust you......or that she is keenly planning for her future.
Perhaps both of you are controllers?
Back to the fights.....did you ever feel she was treating you more like her child than her H? This type of behavior can happen in any MR, and age is not a factor. Did you see her trying to manipulate you.....or were you upset b/c she would not cooperate in doing what you wanted? Both of you are stubborn, so how were the fights finally resolved or settled......or, were they?
Keep posting and telling us more.
BTW, has there been any inappropriate behavior with others, since the M?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
About the age gap.......has she made recent references to her age? The closer she gets to her 40's, the more it may bother her that she is M to a much younger man. However, it is no guarantee. I have known a couple of women who were ten to fifteen years older than their H. In the beginning, it doesn't bother them, and it may even be an ego shot for their self esteem. The downside for them was the pressure to look as young as their H. Of course, the older they got, and the more people would ask about their ages.....the tougher it became to look and act 10-15 years younger. These women I knew were very jealous of any younger woman who showed attention to their H's, or vise-versa. So, it can be pressure for the older woman to "keep up" with her younger H. She would need to have a very healthy self esteem, IMHO.
How long had your W been out of her 2 year long-term R, before she met you and began dating? Was the other guy from her previous R younger, older, or close to her age? I hope she did not go with you as some sort of revenge tactic toward the previous man. I've known that to happen.....especially when it was the woman who got dumped for OW. What better way to hurt their previous man than to go with a guy almost half his age? Naturally, Not all women think this way.....but a few do.
Quote:
Well i always asked if i could access to the bank accounts for the rentals just to see. She said no,
Did she give a reason for saying "no"? If these are joint properties, you have the right to see, If you have joint accounts, you have the right to see it. Have you carelessly spent money in the past? It sounds as if she doesn't trust you......or that she is keenly planning for her future.
Perhaps both of you are controllers?
Back to the fights.....did you ever feel she was treating you more like her child than her H? This type of behavior can happen in any MR, and age is not a factor. Did you see her trying to manipulate you.....or were you upset b/c she would not cooperate in doing what you wanted? Both of you are stubborn, so how were the fights finally resolved or settled......or, were they?
Keep posting and telling us more.
BTW, has there been any inappropriate behavior with others, since the M?
The age gap i didn't see as a barrier. The fights were kinda brushed under the rug or i attempted to compromise with her. The fights were kinda of ended but one of us would bring up the past or a previous fight and we are both so stubborn that we couldn't agree on anything during a fight. I just felt bad and apologized to her. She is now 43 and I'm 31. She could get a little jealous of me talking to the opposite sex, and i could too. She would talk about marital issues on social media, or when she's at work, which i saw a betrayal and always expressed to come to me. I can now see why she didn't. When she would do that, id shut off her phone and change the wifi passwords because i didn't like the feeling of her talking to others about our problems. Another big fight was about having a baby and traveling. I really wanted a child with her and she didn't. So i held resentment. She had been out of her 2yr R for a few years when i met her.
I have spent money carelessly and she has expressed to me before we got married to have rental properties so we can have a better future.
When she was talking to me about D, my W mentioned that she's too old to wait around and see if i change this time because i have said that in the past. She's never lied to me, even though i tried to catch her in a lie, she didn't. She is a very honest person. I felt like i couldn't trust her because of her bartending job, the social media cries, and her not letting me have access to rental accounts.
There has not been any inappropriate behavior on her part. Early on in the marriage, she saw i was texting a young female friend i knew which made it uncomfortable for her. She asked i stop, so i said i would. I changed her name in my phone, lied about the person and continued texting, and at the time i didn't see a problem because it wasn't sexual or i wanted to cheat on my W. So when she found out who this person was, she flipped a switch. We were married for about 2 months at this point. So to show my W how much i cared, i called the girl up, ended the friendship, and told her we can't be friends and talk ever again. I did this in front of my W. My W brings this up very often during fights. She also likes to fight about me not liking her friends, and says her friends are an extension of her. I didn't want her friends to come to the house, well certain ones, because i didn't like their values, sexual orientation, or the person for whatever reason i could come up with. That bothered her a lot. I have since apologized to her friends, sincerely and asked for forgiveness. Most of all of them accepted and i thought that would my W more appreciative.
I kinda felt like she treated me like a child, but looking at my past behavior i was acting petulant. I felt like when we fought, i was protected by the vows of marriage and she wouldn't leave. She try to control what i ate, or how i should dress, or bring me places i felt uncomfortable at.
The worst thing about this, is how adamant she is about D, and the longer i keep away from and not talk to her about anything, the more i feel like its going to make up her mind more. She explicitly expressed she doesn't love me, she doesn't want to be married anymore, she's checked out, she's done , there is nothing i can do to fix it, its too late for your change, "don't fight me on D like you have fought me on everything else"
My heart aches so much, i can't bear it, and i have seen my erroneous ways and i would like to compromise more with her and forgive and forget any resentment I have had. I know i haven't expressed the correct love toward her, or the love she expressed for me.
Advice i have gotten from others, and i came clean about everything, is to tell her i will do anything for her. Reassure her everyday ill support her and help her in anyway. I have went to the doctor to get pills to stop smoking, i haven't initiated any contact with her, even though she asks me if I'm staying on the ship. I just wish there was some magic words, and i am committed to change. I have started personal counseling by myself. She knows and tells me i can use it for my next relationship.
She texted me today to see how it was going and said "hope you have a good day" which i replied with the same. I told her I'm selling my truck, because i threw a lo of money into it, which was selfish on my part, and she didn't like it. She also expressed her discontent for fire arms, and i have 4, so I'm selling those too. Im just trying to change my approach, my way of thinking and hopefully she notices that. I would never sell anything, even if she asked because of my stubbornness. i feel like this a major step toward my change and show her i care about her and really do love her, because I'm listening and doing.
Well after W found out i was serious about selling the truck, she texted me:
W:Why are you doing that, do you want something different? Me: Im doing it because you didn't like the truck and the money i sank into it. You wanted a cheap one for using for the rentals. Also you don't like guns, and i realized i don't need them W: I wanted a truck that worked, that was usable W:That you didn't lord over me when i needed it W: you would say it was "my truck" etc. W: Do you need money for something fast Me: No I don't need money. I was arrogant and selfish and didn't take into consideration your feelings.I hear what your saying and thats not appreciative. Im sorry it wasn't available when you needed it. W: well don't change your life for me
IMHO she is looking at this as a tactic that you want to get her back by selling stuff you have had. It is sorta like the rule 8 but instead of you buying gifts you are selling stuff to try to keep her. It is about the day in day out actions you change in yourself. It is about the small stuff that you change over time. Unfortunately I have learned that it takes a lot of small actions over a very long time that make the biggest difference in stuff. This is probably a decision she made up way before you found out. There is no quick fix to getting them to stay. Trust me I tried a lot of them and it only pushed my W further away. You have to do this because it is what you want and not because you think that it will keep her there. Trust me they can read right through it.
Love is a decision. Genuine love is honor put into action, regardless of the cost.
Me:43 W:41 M:21 SS:25 S:19 D:18 BD1:3/16 BD2:10/16 W moves out 10/2/16
Really examine your motivation regarding selling your truck and your fire arms. It is ok to consider changing your approach, but you want to be very cautious.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Early on I sold my sports car at her "suggestion", quit drinking for a while and compromised some of my own internal values for W and it had very little effect on the R - she still moved out.
Stay true to yourself and change the things you want to change, not because your W wants you to change.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Okay, slow down about getting rid of the things you like. You need to just chill and don't anything but learn all you can about DB. At the moment, you are trying too hard to please her. She can see what you are doing, and that's not what she really wants you to do. You are bouncing from one wall to the other. Just get still and try to calm your mind.
Listen, when a person gets rid of things they cherish, stop doing the things they enjoy, trade in their old friends, change their faith, and begin adopting someone else's life for their own, in order to please another person.......then they give away themselves. You should be loyal to yourself, first of all. People can make some bad moves out of their emotional pain, and I think that is what you may be experiencing.
I do not agree with telling her you will do anything for her. I hope you will reconsider. If she wants you to be the man she fell in love with......then that's who you should be. If she fell in love with who she wanted you to become......then that is a big problem. Some women are guilty of thinking they will change him once they marry, however, the outcome is not what she had in mind.
If you want her to think of you as a man and not a child, then stop turning yourself inside out to please her. If you are a man who has integrity, values, morals, principles, standards, etc.........then live by what that says. If you learn something new or different from what you have previously believed....and you decide you were wrong and this (fill in the blank) is right, then make a change. But do it b/c you are learning and growing as a person, not b/c you are a pleaser. When one spouse is doing all the changing, and they're doing it to please the other spouse.....something seems very out balance, IMHO.
I think you should take time to decide what you are willing to compromise, and/or give up..... and what you won't. For example, you want children. She has firmly told you she does WANT kids. Take that as a warning. If you persuade her to get pregnant, then you are likely to have children with a negligent, cold, and distant mother. This would really mess with their heads. I don't think she will change her mind if she's 43 and still saying no kids. Motherhood is not for all women. This is a subject that too many couples do not take seriously enough before they get into a marriage, or they think they'll change the mind of the other spouse. You need to consider if you want to continue in a M without children.
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Im just trying to change my approach, my way of thinking and hopefully she notices that. I would never sell anything, even if she asked because of my stubbornness. i feel like this a major step toward my change and show her i care about her and really do love her, because I'm listening and doing.
She has said she wants a divorce, right? So, your approach is to show her how willing you are to become the man she wants? I just want to make sure I understand correctly.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I think i am thinking clearly, and selling my truck has crossed my mind before she dropped D. It was a hobby for me in my younger days, but it seems i have outgrown it. I have considered it to take too much time and too much money and I'm not into that. My thinking was to sell it, payoff debt, sell some guns because i have too many, and more of the same kind, store the rest away from the house.
A little back story. When she met me, and i proposed to her, i did have a lot of debt, but i had cool cars. I built a car from ground up since i was 18 and still had it when i met her but it didn't run. I loved that thing. When i met her, I kind of outgrew it, and i sold it to buy her the wedding ring she wanted. I didn't mind and never brought it up. She knew i liked it, how special it was to me, but i never drove it. It was my idea then to sell it even though she wanted me to keep it. I feel like i went down a selfish road with this truck to just be a jerk.
I don't feel like I'm turning myself inside out to please her, but merely acknowledging what she has said, and acknowledging my past behavior. I have given it thought. a lot. I haven't told her id do anything for her to her face, but in my internal mind, yes i would. I have detached from her since the last time i saw her, been staying on the boat i work on since friday, and she's been texting me telling me to have a good day.
I can't honestly tell you what kind of person i was when she fell in love with me. Maybe it was i was young (26), had my own house, friends, was nice to her, took her places, supported her, and didn't really sit around. I was way more active i guess. Im just trying to go back to being part of that person. With honor and loyalty.
So Im working on myself, getting out of debt, for myself, changing my outlook on a lot of things. Have more compassion for things i didn't use to.
In this M, and talking with a DB coach this morning, i can i am confident I'm making the right decision. I know she doesn't want kids, and part of me doesn't either. I think i was using it as a ploy for control, because maybe she definitely wouldn't leave? I feel i was never ready for it when i was asking her, and she probably saw that too.
I do want to be the man she wants. Im just growing out of my petulant phase of pleasing the wrong people, and not being caring and supportive, but being uncaring and selfish. Im just trying to show her that I'm growing up, and don't need nice things to be happy, don't want to be stressed. ( The truck really stressed me and her out).
The DB coach really brought a lot into perspective. She does know how to push my buttons, and I am not letting her do it. She wants to get a reaction out of me, and I'm not doing it. Instead I'm 180 with myself and i making my own decision about selling my stuff.
