Continuing from my last post (I have a new tablet that is giving me a bit of problem typing, so bear with me).
Quote:
guess to narrow them down, into measurable goals, I would say my goals would be (and I would appreciate feedback:
I don't think we can set goals for another person. Let's take a look at what actions you want to see in her, and what you can do.
Quote:
Goals from her: She doesn't take phone calls outside. She offers me to look through her texts. She unfriends the guy on Facebook. She doesn't go out drinking every weekend (she told me two weeks ago that she was going to stop for a long time, but then yesterday she told me that she was going out tomorrow, so i guess a long time is two weeks to her).
These are her acts that come from her free will, and I don't see how you can change these to be your own goals. However, I clearly see where you need to set boundaries. Boundaries are designed to protect your feelings, safety, etc. For an example, (I will give several in one statement), "I will not engage in a marriage relationship where there is disrespect, suspicious actions, private/secret activity, inappropriate conduct/behavior, deceit, betrayal and lies." (Actually, disrespect covers it all). You aren't telling her that she cannot do these things. This is stating what you will do. She can choose to do whatever she wants. You have said what you will do if it happens. Do you see the difference? The other side of the boundary coin is you carrying through with the action. You have said you will not engage, so how will you demonstrate non-engagement? Of Course you can make a bolder boundary and say you will not be in a marriage that has all of those elements. But if you do, you had better be ready to pull out. What you don't want to do is tell her something and then not carry through with it. Too many H's make a bold bluff and then back down.
I think some newcomers don't fully get boundaries, and if that is the case, then start calling her out when she does these disrespectful acts and tell her it is rude, unattractive, suspicious, deceitful........Etc.
If she goes outside to take calls, you could tell her how it reflects secrecy and disrespect, especially considering the situation with texting OM. Don't just go off to lick your wounds.
If she can't talk without looking at her phone, immediately tell her don't want to waste your time with a rude woman, withdraw and leave her sitting there. Most her actions will need to be addressed as she does them, and immediately. Don't think having one long talk is going to make a difference.
Quote:
We begin to have emotional intimacy. She begins to place me over her friends.
This will not happen until she starts feeling respect for you. If she has done this for a long time and you did nothing.....Then she has developed very bad habits. You will have to call her out when she does need things. You cannot have emotional intimacy and allow her to put last on her priority list.
Goals for me: A goal for me is to stop looking at her Facebook, and what she does (I have done this for two days now). I get in the best shape I have ever been in which i am working on (she did make a comment that my close were getting too big) I get my emotions under control.
Break down the steps of action that actually gets you where you want to be. You have to have a workable plan.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Last night she came home grumpy, so i called her out on it. I said that I have not done anything to you, and will not tolerate you being grumpy with me. I told her that I am always tired and do not take it out on her, so she cannot take it out on me.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Last night I went out, as I was leaving she said I looked "cute", I didn't respond. She texted me a couple of times culminating in her asking me "how are you".
I only replied that I was having fun, and she said "good."
Being patient is driving me nuts.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
She asked me to go to a concert which I agreed to. I was having a good time, and where I sat to face the stage my back was to her most of the night.
Then she engaged me in a conversation, and she checked her iWatch...I asked her who she was texting, and she said he dad.
She then said see and pulled up her texts, and selected her dad's name who was three people down on the list. I asked her who was up top. She said that she wasn't going to do this right now (we were getting ready to leave) so I started walking out of the venue.
She walked up the stairs, the whole time on her phone. When we got to the concourse, she showed me her phone. Of course now her dad was the first text. She then went through her contacts and said see om's name still isn't in my phone.
I said you probably have it memorized, it has been a month and a half, and I told her that she had mine memorized in about 3 weeks.
Then we met her friend at a bar afterword, had a huge fight over what her texts said to the om. She of course accused me of not remembering. I told her she was gaslighting me.
I might of screwed it up big time, but at the same time I don't feel that bad, because it felt good to say some of the things that were said.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
I hate it. I absolutely hate that people are so addicted to their phones they can't sit through a concert, have a face to face conversation, or go to the bathroom without looking at their phone. It's ridiculous! Anyway.........
She is lying to you, and you know it. Don't play those games with her, b/c you stand a greater chance of looking weak and foolish. And ESPECIALLY don't get into it when she's around her enabling friend that's helping to break you apart.
If she told you she is not contacting OM and is pretending to have ending things with him, then wait for an opportunity to check her phone for yourself. You cannot just take her word b/c cheaters lie! Don't ask anything, don't say anything, just get the intel you need. Once you have it, decide how you want to handle it (and never, ever tell her how you got your intel). You may want to monitor her for a period of time, but I discourage any daily type of monitoring (without her knowledge) b/c it becomes more of a "spying" nature, and can become addictive & unhealthy for the LBH. The point is to know the truth and where you stand. If she's pretending to be transparent, but covering her tracks.....you'll know soon. Simply confronting her with what you know, will not change things. That is what you have to get through your head. Confrontation, alone, will do nothing. Just like you asking her who she was texting did nothing but give you more of her lies. It's just more words to her, that's all. Action is needed on your end. That's why boundaries are important, especially in a MR where there has been cheating behavior. I encourage you to read the link on setting boundaries.
She's either transparent or she's not. What you saw at the concert was not transparency. It was a coverup and she was gaslighting you. You may have felt better after the argument, but were your words, alone, effective. Usually, words are not enough to convince a WW to change.
Don't give up. It's tough, but you will be alright. Keep posting and reading, and you will have support from your DB community.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So I haven't had time to post until now, but this morning I went to work about my normal time. I was driving and jamming out to the radio. The song ended, and I heard a buzz. I moved my brief case and my phone was getting a call.
I was her, so I answered it. She was all frantic, she said that when I left I didn't say goodbye to her. I was like what? She goes I have tried to call you four times (which she did, but I didn't hear since my phone was on vibrate), and texted you three times.
I was like ok? She said that I didn't say goodbye to her in the morning. I told her that I hadn't done that for weeks, and where was this coming from.
She was in a panic, she was like I woke up at 6:50 (I usually leave about 6:40) and called for you and you didn't respond. I told her that yes I went to work, like always. Then I texted you and you didn't answer. I reminded her that I don't text and drive, no matter who texts. She then was like you didn't answer until the forth call. I told her that my phone was on vibrate, and I was jamming out. She said that she was so worried that I had left her and was mad.
I just kind of laughed. I explained that I went to work like I always do. It was pretty comical, and I am not reading anything into, I just thought that it was kind of funny that she didn't realize I haven't said goodbye to her
The funny thing was apparently she never noticed until today. Funny how the fog has her.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Yesterday, we were having a talk, and out of no where she said:
"I know I have really f*cked you over, and hurt you." While it wasn't an apology, or real full blown remorse, it felt like a little remorse.
While I know the battle is far from over, I did have the thought that maybe the fog is starting to thin in at least one spot. At least she (maybe) recognizes what she is doing is wrong...I am going to try real hard not to backslide, and keep working the program.
She will not be let off the hook until full transparency is achieved, no contact can be verified, and we go to counseling.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
