Last year my wife told me she wanted a divorce and I begged, pleaded with her to make it work. We ended up going to counseling for a few times and she said she loved me again and things were getting better. This was a lie. She kept it up for a year, and around the beginning of this month began a phone relationship with another man. She told me they were just friends, but it was still not right to do. She wanted to file for divorce that week, because she was not attracted to me and didn't want to spend any time with me any more.
Our original problems stemmed from me not making time for her, and not fufilling her emotional needs. I understand that, and I am willing to make myself a better person for myself so she sees that I am a person she could be attracted to.
She started talking to OM as friends and their relationship quickly became more, though she says they have not been physical, I suspect that is a lie but do not want to press the issue yet. The OM was a client of hers at a counseling agency she worked for, though he was in another house than hers. When her employer found out, she lost her job.
I moved out a week and a half ago, and at first she agreed to hold off on divorce and stop talking to OM so we could see about reconnection. We went on a date, and the next day I found out she rented a hotel room 200 miles away with OM and has essentially spent all of her money taking him out because he has no job and lives in a group home for mental issues(not knocking it just stating the fact). He is younger than her, and she has told him she loves him after 3 weeks of talking. She told me she doesn't really love him, but only said it so he would stop telling her so much.(This does seem like my wife, but she may have just been lying to me to let me down easier).
She wants the divorce and me not agreeing is causing her to resent me, she has blocked my phones(both work cell and personal) because of me calling her when I found out about the hotel trip.
I have agreed to go along with her plan for divorce, even though I want very much to save our relationship and marriage, even if it means divorcing to show that I am willing to put her happiness first.
In my personal opinion, she went to this guy because he showed her the attention that I did not and fulfilled that emotional need. I believe that after she loses the house, marriage, her animals(her parents said she could come live with them but not bring her cats). The fog will start to lift on this affair and she will realize he is not for her. She may decide to continue living the single life at this point, or she may begin to think if she really should have divorced me.
I'd like advice on what to do now, since I have already agreed to the divorce and she will not attend counseling or stop seeing OM, since she does not love me and says she is not attracted to me anymore because the love is gone.
Even if we divorce, once that relationship is over, is there any way I can win her back. I'm willing to date her again and truly build a relationship with her, and us trying to see if things would work would not mean we need to remarry right away, or move in right away. Just take things slow. She knows this because I told her when I agreed to the divorce.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks, but I'm afraid I don't have much time. She plans to file for D this week. I've read elsewhere that I must keep myself detached and focus on myself as a person. Eventually she will think about me, we did spend 7 years together and she admits she still cares about me, she is just not in love with me.
If I keep up the detachment process even during the D process and after it is finalized, can this strategy still work?
Is there anything I can do now to get her to start second guessing her decision even during the D process?
Hi aes! Sorry that you are in the place you find yourself in! You have come to a great place and there some great people who will go out of their way to help you.
Quote:
Even if we divorce, once that relationship is over, is there any way I can win her back. I'm willing to date her again and truly build a relationship with her, and us trying to see if things would work would not mean we need to remarry right away, or move in right away. Just take things slow. She knows this because I told her when I agreed to the divorce.
I'm sure you have read through this thread a bit and seen all sorts of great advice. What works for some doesn't work for others. Honestly, there isn't anything you can do to win her back. Until, and only until, she stops seeing the OM there isn't any room for you. That is one of the toughest pills to swallow - we must realize that they are on their own road and unfortunately that road doesn't have room for us...just them.
So, my friend, what you need to do is work on becoming the best aes that you can. Hobbies? Immerse yourself in them - find some that require your full attention so nothing else can enter your mind. GAL'ing works very, very well...and can be tough to do at the same time.
Most of us here have been in your place. I was. As were countless others. And we've all tried to win them back..we've all thought if I could just do this it would help. But there is nothing we can/could have done. Nothing. There are only two possible outcomes - either they come back or they don't. Not to be harsh, but I won't blow sunshine, either.
So, the question is, what can you do for yourself?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks, but I'm afraid I don't have much time. She plans to file for D this week. I've read elsewhere that I must keep myself detached and focus on myself as a person. Eventually she will think about me, we did spend 7 years together and she admits she still cares about me, she is just not in love with me.
If I keep up the detachment process even during the D process and after it is finalized, can this strategy still work?
Is there anything I can do now to get her to start second guessing her decision even during the D process?
Hello aes256,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It may seem like you don't have much time, but you do. Don't panic. Jeep74 is right, focus on yourself. Make sure you are not doing any of the heavy lifting regarding filing for divorce. Why did you move out if she is the one that wants out of the marriage?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I moved out because I had a place to go and my wife did not without having to give up our animals for adoption. Her parents said she could not bring them there because they already foster dogs and it would be too much. That combined with our house was rented from her parents, it made sense for me to be the one to move out.
Wife texted me today saying she found some more of my stuff as she was cleaning and asked if I wanted to come get it. On my way there, she asked me if I could help her move furniture so I replied I would.
When I got there, I told her that if she filed for divorce now, I would not sign. In the state of PA, if it is a contested divorce, she must wait 1 year after separation to file without my consent.
She argued that she could not afford the house on her own, and cannot find another place to live or get assistance because of my income. Mind you, she lost her job because her affair was with one of her clients. I have offered to continue paying for the house but she has refused. She is very angry right now that I will not sign, did I do the right thing?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Wife and I are separated for about 2 weeks now. Today she told me she does not even feel sad about the impending D. I know that as long as the OM is in the picture, she won't miss me, and I won't have a shot at winning her back with such limited contact.
Well, you probably already know you shouldn't have moved out, so I won't belabor that point.
However, you need to find a point of consistency - are you going to sign the divorce or not? Your WAS is following a pretty consistent path - find some OM that "needs" her, because he has no job, clearly mental issues, etc. I can tell you from experience that delusional state for your W can last for months, maybe more than a year, and on and on, who knows how long.
The real question here is - how are you making yourself better? "Winning her back" is completely wasted effort because you CAN'T do that. The only thing you can do is be the best person you can be - and perhaps, that's enough for her to want to be the best person she can be, and heal your marriage.
So your only focus should be on being the best you. Period.
