I'm just not sure when to talk to a lawyer. At what point do I actually move forward to divorce? It's so hard to know...
Recognizing that your marriage is already dead in many (all?) ways may help you decide on your next step.
Divorce laws/procedures vary quite a bit by state, so I suggest you simply educate yourself on how it would work if you were to go through with it. Search online. Some lawyers will do an initial consultation for free or for a minimal fee, just so you can learn how it works, and ask questions. Some states let you file yourself (i.e., "do-it-yourself"), depending on your situation/spouse.
As for contact w/ your H ... my recommendation would be to not initiate any contact. If he contacts you, respond in a kind tone, but don't cling, gush or nag. Let him know through your disposition that you are not going to let him make you feel awful any more. You are moving forward with your life. Marriage is a huge part of our lives, but you can still have a fulfilling day.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
NMC needs to make a list to talk into the consultation. A list of all things that she needs answers to. When I consulted mine, one of the first things my lawyer asked was "What do you want?" Meaning, what path did I want to take in the divorce? That needs to be figured out first. Mine was more complex due to children. Also, she needs to have all of her ducks in a row. I went in will all the affair information printed out, texts from the ex, financial, everything. Saves time and money. I recommend against "doing it yourself," which may be fine after the consultation - but no way in hell should it any sort of proceedings be done otherwise. I say this because even the "friendliest" of spouses take the gloves off and get nasty. Take mine for example, her and her sister staged pictures of the house to make it look almost unlivable so as to better her chances with the kids.
Forearmed is forewarned.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
NMC, two very basic issues that you want to figure out is (and you may already know) ... are you in a no-fault divorce state? Are you in a state that requires a period of separation before a divorce?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
NMC, two very basic issues that you want to figure out is (and you may already know) ... are you in a no-fault divorce state? Are you in a state that requires a period of separation before a divorce?
True. I am in a no-fault state, but the affair stuff and other info was still used against her. In some states (mine), the period of separation is defined as marital relations being stopped - no sex, etc - for a certain period...in ours, there is no separation agreement sort of thing.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Divorce laws/procedures vary quite a bit by state, so I suggest you simply educate yourself on how it would work if you were to go through with it. Search online. Some lawyers will do an initial consultation for free or for a minimal fee, just so you can learn how it works, and ask questions. Some states let you file yourself (i.e., "do-it-yourself"), depending on your situation/spouse.
I don't know the first thing about divorce. I will have to start educating myself and what the laws in my state are.
Originally Posted By: ForGump
As for contact w/ your H ... my recommendation would be to not initiate any contact. If he contacts you, respond in a kind tone, but don't cling, gush or nag. Let him know through your disposition that you are not going to let him make you feel awful any more. You are moving forward with your life. Marriage is a huge part of our lives, but you can still have a fulfilling day.
Yes, I think this makes a lot of sense. I've not contacted him today and will just keep it up. I'm thinking of ways to fill my time now. I started over the weekend and it has already made me feel a tiny bit better.
NMC needs to make a list to talk into the consultation. A list of all things that she needs answers to. When I consulted mine, one of the first things my lawyer asked was "What do you want?" Meaning, what path did I want to take in the divorce? That needs to be figured out first. Mine was more complex due to children. Also, she needs to have all of her ducks in a row. I went in will all the affair information printed out, texts from the ex, financial, everything. Saves time and money. I recommend against "doing it yourself," which may be fine after the consultation - but no way in hell should it any sort of proceedings be done otherwise. I say this because even the "friendliest" of spouses take the gloves off and get nasty. Take mine for example, her and her sister staged pictures of the house to make it look almost unlivable so as to better her chances with the kids.
Forearmed is forewarned.
Very helpful advice, thanks. We don't have children and there isn't any evidence of a physical affair, so not sure how things would go. I'll think of my questions, do some reading, and reach out to a lawyer.
NMC, two very basic issues that you want to figure out is (and you may already know) ... are you in a no-fault divorce state? Are you in a state that requires a period of separation before a divorce?
I checked and I do live in a no-fault state. I could file for irreconcilable differences. No separation period is needed. I guess this means things could begin pretty quickly.
Well, now you know roughly how it'd work. If you have big assets (house, bank account, cars), you could wind up fighting over it. So you might think about that. These are things you can talk to a lawyer about in the initial consultation.
But most importantly, take a deep breath. Figure out what it is that you want for yourself, what kind of a partner you want. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how it is that I got into the marriage I did, how did I pick the kind of person I did, what were my shortcomings in the marriage, how will I do things differently going forward.
You want to take your next step with eyes wide open and with some sense of peace. Don't feel cornered.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Very helpful advice, thanks. We don't have children and there isn't any evidence of a physical affair, so not sure how things would go. I'll think of my questions, do some reading, and reach out to a lawyer.
One of the things that I recommend, if you are able to do this, is to go into a "business mode" and try to keep personal feelings out of it. Because, really, that's what it's about to become. Prepare for the worst and tell your lawyer everything...anything that your H may be able to use against you, because believe me, he will.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
But most importantly, take a deep breath. Figure out what it is that you want for yourself, what kind of a partner you want. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how it is that I got into the marriage I did, how did I pick the kind of person I did, what were my shortcomings in the marriage, how will I do things differently going forward.
Allow me to step in here, NMC. I like this. I like it a lot. I think maybe its time that I started doing a bit of this. Thank you, Gump.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
