NMC, as I see it, every argument between a couple can devolve into the specifics: I-did-this then you-did-this and then I-did-this and you-did-this.
It's hard for us to know how awful and crazy you were to each other during your bad times.
The thing that makes or breaks a marriage is your willingness to work on it unconditionally, to put your marriage above all else. If he is not willing to do that ... it's not going to work.
You can't change where he is right now. I would focus on yourself, and be the best person you can be. Be the person he would be crazy to walk away from. Admit to all your own failings, but hold on to your boundary, that you will not tolerate his relationship with his ex.
ForGump- This is how I ended the conversation yesterday. That I want to stop going in circles pointing out all this stuff we did that hurt each other in the past. I offered it would be more helpful if we make commitments to each other now about moving forward. I put all the things out there that I would work on, about myself and how I would prioritize the marriage. He didn't offer anything in return- he needs to think. I'm not stressing it or putting pressure. I take comfort in knowing I am doing my best.
I am definitely working on myself at this time. If he can't appreciate how serious I am to improve myself and to improve the marriage, there's nothing more I could do.
Yes. This is what he has been doing. So frustrating.
So maybe next time he starts disrespecting you, it might be a good idea to tell him that you won't be disrespected and talked to in that sort of way. Tell him that he is entitled to his view of things - and theirs can certainly vary wildly from the truth - but you will not allow him to belittle you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
If he can't appreciate how serious I am to improve myself and to improve the marriage, there's nothing more I could do.
You aren't making these improvements and changes for him, but for you. Remember that. Because if you are doing all this to try to win him back and it doesn't work, then you'll be left with a sh*tload of resentment.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Married less than a year? Run. Save yourself. This marriage started with a bad foundation. Fixable marriages start with a good foundation that goes bad. With yours he's been lying to you throughout. Again...run!
So maybe next time he starts disrespecting you, it might be a good idea to tell him that you won't be disrespected and talked to in that sort of way. Tell him that he is entitled to his view of things - and theirs can certainly vary wildly from the truth - but you will not allow him to belittle you.
I said this to him. He didn't apologize, but agreed with me in a roundabout way. He keeps score. He replies with that he knows what it feels like because I've done it to him- which is true- a long time ago and it's something we talked about in therapy. And yet here it is being thrown in my face again. It's difficult getting apologies out of him.
He said we should talk again today, and when I offered to go to his place (as he came by mine yesterday), he told me he needs to work late and so we can't meet.. I'm trying to figure out at what point just shut down communication with him altogether. Every time we talk it just turns him into blaming me and him being indecisive. I'm exhausted.
You aren't making these improvements and changes for him, but for you. Remember that. Because if you are doing all this to try to win him back and it doesn't work, then you'll be left with a sh*tload of resentment.
Married less than a year? Run. Save yourself. This marriage started with a bad foundation. Fixable marriages start with a good foundation that goes bad. With yours he's been lying to you throughout. Again...run!
TxHubby- I can't help but feel this way most of the time. How could starting off this way possibly get any better? Besides the lying, he just behaves like a man who doesn't care enough about me. All my efforts during therapy, and I stopped going because at the last session he announced to myself and the therapist I wasn't being sincere. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
I said this to him. He didn't apologize, but agreed with me in a roundabout way. He keeps score. He replies with that he knows what it feels like because I've done it to him- which is true- a long time ago and it's something we talked about in therapy. And yet here it is being thrown in my face again. It's difficult getting apologies out of him.
Keeping score and throwing it back in your face is not indicative of someone who has issues. Something just occurred to me - he seems a bit like those in my ex's family...does he have sociopathic/narcissistic tendencies?
I believe something somewhere on here that you shouldn't expect an apology. Hell, my ex never apologized. Learn to forgive people even when they don't apologize for things they have done. You are on a good path, my friend. Keep your head up.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
