Maybe I am controlling at this point. She says she wants a strong, confident man that can take care of her. Maybe its me, or my upbringing, but I dont know many men that fit the description above that would be ok with their wife going out to a bar with single friends or alone 3 months after an affair.
I didnt care that she went out with friends prior to BD but now its every week. I guess that just isnt my definition of a good relationship, which we clearly dont have at this point.
I definitely played a role in our marital problems. I fight nasty. If you hurt me, I hurt you twice as much. Terrible quality that I have seriously worked on and changed.
I initially fell in love with her strength and personality. I still do believe I love her although I also believe a little bit more of that love dies daily. I think I also post here to vent too. The advice here is unbelievable, I truly value it. As I said before, I just have a little trouble implementing it.
I guess I am just truly to figure out what is left and what if any hope for rebuilding this marriage is possible. If I knew she was going to file in January, I would just let go.
As hard as this is, this is the time in life to course correct. You have things about yourself that you don't like, as we all do. Now is the time to look at those and truly work on them. Become the person you want to be. Make your changes genuine for you, not to woo her back. It's hard to do and it takes time and perseverance.
As for the r? From what I hear what you're doing currently, is not bringing you the results/kind of relationship you want. Doing the same things will bring the same (bad) results. So, it's best to refrain from reasoning with her, talking about the r, guilting her into being a proper mother, talking about her going out, etc. Changing this about yourself will change the dynamic. If we know we fight dirty we have to retrain ourselves to walk away before it ever comes to that.
In my opinion? I think you need some time and space away from her, too. Overall, this sounds like an exhausting situation for you. You are so enmeshed in the current patterns you have no idea that you're in this loop. For example, the pattern is: when you go out you end up fighting and she flirts in front of you. That sounds like an awful way to spend the night. Is it better to have an awful night but be "with her" or is it better to go to a movie or a nice dinner by yourself and have a peaceful night?
Try to let go a bit. The more you hold on to her the more she will rebel. Take this time to figure yourself out.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
one thing to remember and this is difficult is we really can't control anything except our reactions..and then sometimes not even that we can't control people -places -things or outcomes --ever I have to admit -I still try
She is going to do whatever she thinks is best for her You will only know as time goes on control is an illusion
You have choices
she may be attracted to you more as you continue on your journey and change
and I know it is hard: You can stand for a while and try to live with her for as long as she stays-on her terms work on yourself, create a new life for you, allow her space, watch at a far distance they say that if the spouse stays in the home , the chances are better for full reconciliation ..but I have no experience with this -maybe Job would know the odds- this is the path many of us choose here at the start because it gives us time to really see which way the MLCer will go and at the same time, we can begin the grief process and make changes as needed to better ourselves..It is our journey too
the MLCer may choose to play instead of growing up many LBS choose to grow up and evolve..the payoff for this I believe for us is priceless so its not only about getting w back..Its about your future no matter where the M lands
other choice: you can ask her to leave..and she probably will.. and she will probably file and move on
each of us has to choose what is best I waited the first 2 years I tried, I watched, I grieved, I changed ,I raised my kids I learn new business skills, I went to therapy every week This time gave me time to process the split , and learn my new responsibilities and take charge of my new life alone- It also gave me time to be with my xh and see what the future would bring In my case my XH chose to marry the OW and they are still M I also moved on after the 2 years-
if its MLC it may take a while you can take your time and see what is best
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you both for the advice. I am starting to realize that I do try to control most situations. It is something I really need to work on changing.
I was also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder a few years ago. I really get stuck on something and cant let it go. It plays constantly in mind. I am going to counseling and take an sri med.
My mom found a marriage retreat close to us in February, She texted my wife to see if she would like to go. She said she would go. Not going to try to read to much into it but its a glimpse of hope. She also got up this morning and put on her wedding rings. Not something she normally does during the week. She says they hurt her hands when she works out.
I am sure your mom means well .... this is not her marriage. In order for a retreat to work out both parties have to be committed to the M and your W may just agree to go to get her MIL off her back. Keep the 'no expectations' mindset as you progress through this. I know you are relatively new but I just want to get you to pump the brakes a bit as she may just agree to go (half halfheartedly) in order to say to you and her self that she did all she can do and it continue her plan.
You need to continue to learn and apply the DB principles here, understand and get to the point that you realize its more for you which will have an impact on your M.
