Married for 13 years, and on Friday the 13th, 2014 I learned that she had started to PA with the trainer she had met a month before at the gym we picked to work out together. Those 6 months were traumatizing.
I confronted her and she said they had just kissed. I told her if she didn't get her s@#$ together that her next step will be walking off a bridge. She ran to it and jumped and jumped and jumped. Right before our 13 year anniversary too. Long story short for now, how often and how she did it was horrible. I was in denial, shock, etc to do anything. Big wussy.
I am a Christian man and honor and trust come before wants, pain, etc. It was enormously hard but I let her stay when she "broke" it off. Well that was two years ago and it seems like I was the only one wanting to try. I kept observing that she was acting out of obligation, duty, etc but the spark was not there and I still didn't trust her. She does want to try and connect spiritual, mentally, socially, emotionally and physically I stopped since it just seemed like she was just there but not present. She didn't miss that either.
Then I found her watching movies the had relationships like theirs or an actor that looked like him, and pining for him. I was right. She then started to leave when she dropped off the kids at school and be out all day with her single friends, etc. Going to the gym where he works, etc. I finally confronted her again and said??? Lots of victim crap and I just don't have the sark, no flame, just don't want to try anymore, he is so nice, blah blah blah. Now she doesn't act at all like a mother and the children notice big and they say if she left they would miss her but it wouldn't be noticed. That is harsh and they haven't been told what went on.
I love her but what man wants a woman that is working hard to do the opposite of healing and building. Even with her kids? I have lost the try. I don't want her here. She asks fr a divorce but is using the money, my stability, etc. to build an exit. I don't want to loose the kids to just sit around and do nothing and watch her make all the choices for all of us.
I admit that the first experience killed all of my self esteem and confidence as a man, of which I was not in need of at all before, or at least had enough I thought. The last year I have been educating myself, exercising, working on me, but I feel its time to poop or get off the pot.
I don't want to make any stupid mistakes but I also don't want to be taken advantage of and watch my 5 kids get hurt, 3 from her.
My friend has been in here for months and has said it has saved his life when his wife just up and wanted out and left. We have helped each other but he says that I need to come here since our situations are different.
Please suggest. Thanks.
ME 47, WW 36 Kids B19, B17, G14, G12, B6 WWPA May 2014, EA revisited Oct 2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Jrny, you've come to the right place. We all know the kick in the gut you've experienced. It almost seems surreal. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but know that there are a multitude of folks living the same experience as you and you are not alone.
A few quick thoughts. Folks are going to want to know some more details about you and your W. The more you can post about you the more folks can help you.
Also, you mention you are no longer the confident man you once were. It sounds like you've been working to get back there, but haven't fully made it. What's holding you back? How have you been working on yourself? What were your W's complaints about you? What kind of man are you working towards becoming?
Again, sorry you find yourself here. Hang in there and know that we are all here to help and support.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
So sorry for you. You are not alone. You say you are a Christian man. Is your faith helping you? Do you have a support network? How do you know she broke it off? Are there other OMs? How are the kids? Do they know?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
So sorry about your serious situation. Affairs of any kind (even if the character is fictional) are very addictive. The chemicals that flood her brain is much like she experienced when she fell in love with you. It's that feel-good moment she craves. Even if she ended physical contact with the OM, she apparently keeps her feelings for him alive in her mind......thus preventing loving feelings for her H. Whenever she sees his photo or watches movies that remind her of him.....read his FB, see his friends or where he hangs out.......ect., it feeds her craving. Whatever ground she may have gained in withdrawing is lost and she has to start all over again. It is very difficult to get him out of her head, even if she is not intentionally feeding her cravings.
IMHO, it takes cooperation from the WW to do whatever is necessary to put a final end to her feelings for OM. If done properly, she will delete everything that reminds her of him. She will experience withdrawals, just like any other type of addition. If she agrees to transparency with her H, it helps her to stay on track while getting through the withdrawals. I won't go on and on about all of that, if you are convinced you no longer want her with you. However, if you are interested in my thoughts about the wayward mindset, you can read my threads on the subject. I think there may be about five or more. Here is the link to the first one:
If you are ready to separate or divorce, I plead with you to seek legal advice before saying anything to your WW. You need to know where you stand, your rights as a father, etc. Get a lawyer who will fight for those rights.
What are the ages of your children?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Your friend (as longood as I read his post correctly) mentioned you may join us here. You have been a long time struggling alone, here you will get wonderful feedback and support for your journey.
These particular kinds of OM are invidious because they enjoy the flattery and attention. I refer to Lady Caroline Lamb style who suffered from unrequited erotomania a fixation on Lord Byron. They encourage the wayward without wanting proper connection, sometimes and possibly even worse dangling consumation enticingly without meaning. Usually they are somantic and this particular one is a personal trainer.
It becomes a psychological addiction. There are others here who have this in their sitch and likely will offer mutual support.
This is very difficult as a sitch, and indeed there is mUchida work to be done.
Please tell your friend Vanilla says hi and has checked in on you.
It's going to be ok, and the difficult times alone struggling to think whilst not over are going to be eased.
Welcome to the board
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I feel like I can do anything, then I have those days that I feel like I am so nothing and that she is going to take it all from me and train our kids to do the same. Her family life was not very supportive and is very dysfunction now too. I was fortunate to have a great childhood and strong support from my family. I have read the divorce busting book several times. I can see her following the steps of regression line by line. It is text book actions and feelings and I feel so lost to know what her outcome is going to be and that I can do nothing to help her now. I feel all over the place and am seeking a start place to climb. It use to be to bring her away from the terrible influences and get her in an environment that she can recover. I did that but now she goes to those friends again and is pining for him again. She has filed for divorce and wants it over soon. But she wants to have all of the life she had, an opportunity for a new beginning ( I think with this OM) and me to just go away. I like my life other than what she is bringing to it. I dont want to leave it and would rather have her go find herself elsewhere. My support is here and the kids feel that she is gone to even though she sleeps here at night.
ME 47, WW 36 Kids B19, B17, G14, G12, B6 WWPA May 2014, EA revisited Oct 2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Well I have stayed in my faith and prayer, meditation and tapping have helped a lot in the moment and long term of the days. I see that she is like a single girl, advertising it and going out when she wants. But demands that I make the money and provide for the family. The kids know what is going on even though she thinks they are blind. They aren't being taken care of by her during the day etc. They see her leave, sleep on the couch, wear rings on other fingers other than her wedding ring and she has always been a stickler on that. I just am having a hard time living the role I need to, being a mom and dad, expecting some child support but then at the last minute having to help out with things she n]knew about but didn't handle. Then trying to not lie to the kids but not tell them the whole truth about what happened and is going on.
ME 47, WW 36 Kids B19, B17, G14, G12, B6 WWPA May 2014, EA revisited Oct 2016
