Lost in the MLC Desert

[bttrfly]

well then there's a whole lot of us who are also pathetic who have been at this longer than you have ... truth is, we are not pathetic. we are people who love our families and spouses. we are people caught in the crossfire of the communicable disease known as divorce. we are people who love flawed individuals who are having melt downs of epic proportions at a time and place in history that i call the remote control society - you don't like something, change the channel. bored? change the channel. have to work on this and don't feel up to the task? nextttttt ...

full moon this week two days ago + the most nostalgic time of the year = a lot of emotions roiling about for most people.

try to get as much rest as you can. all you have to do right now is breathe. that's your job: focusing on the next breath.

[Cristy]

Hello d_rose,

Thank you for your service!

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is going to sound like an echo around here. I have to agree that your husband is eating cake. He has OW and he has you watching out for the family and business. He is temp checking you when he comes to pick up S15. He wants to be sure you are still available as Plan B. Is he coming to the family home to see everyone during the holidays?

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[bttrfly]

Merry Christmas d_Rose xoxoxoxoxo

[d_Rose]

Hi All,

Merry Late Christmas to you all. With all of the emotions and goings on of Christmas, I have been away from the boards. I found it was easier to just try and ignore my situation and feelings, as focusing on them was too overwhelming. Back to reality.

My Christmas week was nice. I was surrounded by my kids and parents - so much love. My son and his wife were here for a week, so we all kept busy with shopping, movies, and "Christmas" activities. While it was weird without H being there, it was bearable for the most part. I did have a few tearful breakdowns, but recovered quickly and did not wallow in it. It was good for me to have to play mom and holiday cruise director - sometimes putting on an act for the kids has the benefit of actually making it ok for me too for awhile.

There was daily texting from H while S24 was here - asking what we had planned each day and seeing if we were "ok." Both S24 and D19 agreed to a family dinner with H at a restaurant the Wednesday before Christmas. S15 was really looking forward to it. I was on the fence about joining them, but in the end went. I think my D19 would not have gone if I did't go. Despite my always encouraging her to have a relationship with H, she is still very mad and disillusioned with his choices. That two hour dinner was the only time S24 saw H the entire week. I don't know if he communicated with him via text, etc. as I do not ask. The whole thing was sad. How our family has changed in the past 6 months. Dinner was fine, no drama. So familiar and easy, but also so distant. Bizarre.

H got me a very nice and expensive Christmas gift. I had gotten him one as well (as I knew from charges he had gotten me something large). I also helped S15 and S24 get small gifts for him as well. I brought all the gifts, and some candy/nuts to him at dinner on Wednesday. And that was it. He texted several times on Christmas Day. I hope he felt the emotional weight of his entire family being together for the day and he was not part of it. He needs to know that is part of what he is giving up. He did not ask to come over on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning and I did not offer.

Christmas dinner was awesome if I do say so. I made 14 pound prime rib roast, mashed potatoes, etc. It is our traditional Christmas meal. I am by no means a good cook, so was proud I pulled it off by myself. Again, a few tearful breakdowns about having to do it without my H, but I got through it.

And now all the festivities are over. S24 has gone home. The distraction of Christmas is done. Back to the realities of life without H and facing my emotions. I have been lazy with GAL the last month or so due to Christmas prep, but need to get back to it. S15 is with H this coming weekend for New Years, and my 2-3 go-to friends all have other plans. I'm already feeling sorry for myself. Time to snap out of it and make a plan. There's always laundry and taking down holiday decorations

[SBJ]

d_Rose...caught up on your sitch a bit...just know that you aren't alone in all of this. We are all lost in the same MLC Desert. We have similar BD dates...yours is June and mine July. Glad you made it thru Christmas. I hope New Years goes just as smoothly for you.

My go-to friends all have plans as well, but I also have my two youngest for the weekend (14 & 10). My oldest has college kid plans. Sounds like a good night to pile up on the couch. After 25 years together she and I have gotten used to staying home or being with other family for most holidays...maybe GAL'ing needs to change that.

Stay well...

[d_Rose]

Hi SBJ,

Thanks for stopping by. I read your sitch today as well. Lots of similarities in terms of length of marriage, etc. It is all I have known my adult life. Add to that our lives revolving around raising kids as well - time to discover a new part of ourselves. I was happy with what I had, never wanted anything different or "better." I know we need to focus on ourselves and things that will bring us joy and meaning - I just have to figure out what those things are. Definitely some introspection, trial and error, and flat out fake it til you make it needed on my part. I could have never even imagined being in this situation a year ago. I hope to make a few goals for myself over this weekend. I am such a long term planner, the struggle is to not think too far into the future and just focus on personal things I can do a month or so at a time.

Happy New Year! May 2017 bring a bit of piece to us all and move us further along in this journey.

[d_Rose]

A small victory I forgot to report. I had a last minute happy hour invitation for tonight that I accepted with friends. Conveniently timed for the same time H was picking up S15 for the weekend. Nice not to be here when he came by. It is always sad for me when S15 leaves with H and I am left alone. Nice to be out with friends and not have the anxiety about him coming by.

[Coly23]

Hey Rose, thanks for your comments on my thread. You really understand how I am feeling at the moment.

I am glad you have last minute NY plans. Although I would rather spend it on my own but I think the distraction of my four year old twin nephew and niece will help me tonight!

Have a lovely time tonight and I wish you lots of love and happiness in 2017!

[AndrewP]

d_Rose - Thank you for the kind comments over on my thread. Unfortunately I finished off the last of the Jelly Beans or I would indeed offer you some.

I wanted to pop over though and follow up on your comment about fear. Buried waaay back in my threads I had a very good conversation with eric about my own fear. He made me stare right at it and know it.

I am honestly too consumed with fear to take those steps. Not fear that I will not survive without H and my M, I will. But fear that I will push H further away. To give the impression that I am anxious to have a final decision that I may not be happy with.

This is something that I think all of us struggle with. I know that I certainly did. I think for me the turning point was the realization that there was indeed nothing that my W could do any more that was worse than what she had already done and the assumption that she and OM would make a go of it. I'm not sure what's going on there.

I presume you've read the homework on pursuit / distancing? Fascinating stuff. There is so much contradictory advice and information out there though as I'm sure you realize. "Be the lighthouse" sounds great however in some ways it is in it's own fashion a form of pursuit.

So - accept that you have fear. Understand it and then it will no longer have power over you even though it still is there. One of the key messages that I've learned here is that the only person you can control or have power over is yourself. Knowledge of yourself, loving yourself is key to being yourself.

[d_Rose]

Happy Late New Year to all.

Still lost in the desert. Trying to plot my survival strategy for the year ahead, one month at a time. I just can't think much further out than that with all the unknowns...

AP, thanks for the comments above. Yes, have read much on Pursuit/Distance. As I look back we have been doing that dance well before BD as he distanced himself. I am no longer pursuing in any way, but agree that even my openly admitting I am waiting and still here for him could constitute pursuit or pressure in his eyes.

I let H know that I would be dropping off S15 on Wednesdays instead of him coming to get him (and coming inside to socialize). We've only had 1 so far, and H was at the curb waiting for us when we arrived. I chatted for a minute or two without getting out of the car, then I drove away. Cried the whole time driving home, but at least I did it. I have to take the small victories when I get them. Next time I will try to get there a little earlier and maybe H will not be home yet. I will text before I go each time, as I don't want S15 to accidentally walk in and OW is there or her stuff is laying around.

H went on trip with OW last week. It was for business, and should have just been 1 night, but he obviously stayed two. Charges from the second night from a bar and gas on the way home on our joint account. Ughh. Nothing new, but still frustrating that they get to go do things in their fantasy world while we are left taking care of kids, running the household, dealing with everyday life things. I should be used to it by now. He then left the next day for a week long business trip. So... it will be at least 10 days without seeing him. He is texting 1x/day, but very distant. It is odd that while he is out of town I am less stressed. I know he is not with OW, and somehow that makes it easier to deal with. Childish I know, as it doesn't change the situation.

I had a dream last night that myself, S15, D19, H and OW were all together at church, and then staying overnight somewhere together in a house. So odd. I very rarely remember my dreams, and really try to not even think about the OW. This was a first. Up until now I have faced H leaving and adjusted (kinda) to my new normal, but it just involved him rejecting me - I never really go to the place that he is with her daily and choosing her. Obviously I know he is, but maybe it was a defense mechanism on my part to put it out of my mind. Seems like part of me is ready to start dealing with that part of the reality on another level.

So - back to my short term goal for the next month:

1. Daily time with God/meditation/prayer for 30 minutes EACH day

2. Attend at least 2 activities during the month with a new group of people to expand my social network(pickle ball, hiking group, new friend, etc.)

3. Go to library and figure out how to order/hold a few books from our MLC/DB reading list.

4. Read at least 1 of the above books per month

5. Sign up for new women's small group at church or a Divorce Care group.

There it is in writing. Time to hold myself accountable!