I've been coming to the forum for over 2 years since the first BD, have read DR, posted under another account, but alas, I'm here in the Surviving the Big D section.
The book and this site did help me become a different and better person. I'm also amazed by all the wonderful, insightful and giving people on this board.
For background, my XW and I are both 47 and were married for 20 years. There are 4 children, S 16, S 14, S12, and D 10. She left just before Thanksgiving last year (second time) and our D was finalized in August. The D wasn't necessarily amicable, but we worked out the details in 4 hours of mediation so it wasn't as contentious as some. Texting is our mode of communication as we've only had a handful of conversations in the past year.
While D wasn't what I wanted, I can say that I'm doing well and am happy with the person I am becoming. I'm also amazed by my children and how they are handling things.
The reason I am posting is to get feedback on a situation I can see coming and for which I want to be prepared. We alternate major holidays each year and this year I have the children from Dec 21 until Dec 28. Today, I received a text from XW "Are you planning to travel with kids over Christmas?" I believe she or her parents are going to ask if it would be possible for them to have the kids on Christmas eve to celebrate at her parents’ house.
I love my former in-laws and they love me. Christmas eve at their house was always a tradition. My family lives 2,000 miles away and I won't be able to spend Christmas with them nor will they be able to be here. It will be just the 5 of us for the entire Christmas break.
My question is if asked, do I agree? I sincerely want to do what is in the best interest of my children. The only reason I can think to say no is because it is a ramification of getting divorced and that seems selfish and only serves to hurt my former in-laws and my children.
I didn't get to see my children for Thanksgiving nor Christmas last year and won't see them for Thanksgiving this year. Part of the reason that I didn't see them last Thanksgiving was because the former in-laws funded her leaving the state as my parents were traveling here to see us. I must admit that saying no enters my mind so XW can see how difficult those times can be without the kids.
Your post has been moved to Newcomers so that more people will see it and be able to offer support.
Co-parenting is hard, especially around the holidays. Of course you want to do what is best for the kids, but you also need to think about yourself too. Yes, these are the consequences of your XW's decisions/choices.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It's not hurting your kids that they spend this Christmas with you. It sounds like you love them very much and will make a great Christmas for all of you. That's what is best for the kids. This is your Christmas with them. Divorces have consequences. One of them is that she doesn't get to spend every holiday with the kids. DO NOT let her cake eat or before you know it you'll never spend a holiday with them again. Kids are only young for such a short time. Don't deprive yourself of your rightful holiday with them. Politely tell her no and then plan the greatest Christmas you can for you and the kids. Make some great memories.
Can all of you have a pleasant Christmas Eve at your in-laws' house without too much awkwardness? Alternatively, you could go disguised as Santa Claus (kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire) and get your xW to sit in Santa's lap and reach in his pocket for a Christmas surprise. The fun you could have...
It's not hurting your kids that they spend this Christmas with you. It sounds like you love them very much and will make a great Christmas for all of you. That's what is best for the kids. This is your Christmas with them. Divorces have consequences. One of them is that she doesn't get to spend every holiday with the kids. DO NOT let her cake eat or before you know it you'll never spend a holiday with them again. Kids are only young for such a short time. Don't deprive yourself of your rightful holiday with them. Politely tell her no and then plan the greatest Christmas you can for you and the kids. Make some great memories.
Thanks for stopping by TxHubby. You are right that it won't hurt my kids to not go. Poor framing of the issue on my part.
This is good input. You've given me much to think about. Thanks.
Can all of you have a pleasant Christmas Eve at your in-laws' house without too much awkwardness? Alternatively, you could go disguised as Santa Claus (kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire) and get your xW to sit in Santa's lap and reach in his pocket for a Christmas surprise. The fun you could have...
I like your style doodler. I'm thinking the Claus outfit is the way to go. She just put her profile up on Match, so maybe she needs that Christmas surprise...
