Hello, I've been so thankful for all of the guidance I've gotten out of this site, as I am working through this issue with my WS. My WS and I are doing a trial separation starting Dec 1st, as soon as her apartment is available. My sitch is textbook...married 17 years, we are both 52, we are in great financial shape, physical shape, nice social network, pretty solid relationship...its our 2nd marriage. We had our share of stress.....raised my son from 1st marriage, which caused issues that she hasn't let go. She's been unhappy in some areas, but we always got along so well, I didn't think she have an affair.
She and I have been in counseling for a month of so now and everything is on the table. She is so deep in the fog on this that she is living with him while she waits for her place to come open. She is an accountant by trade and thinks she met her soulmate (typical)....he has 2 children from his first marriage, no retirement savings, he's introverted, has few friends....he's my exact opposite. Our counselor has us doing a trial separation with NC for 30 days while we attend counseling separately...then we will meet and see what's up and then another 30 days. This is hard to do, but there is no other way to have her experience D and her no life.
I am almost done reading DR and the Last Resort tactic seems to be bringing better results. Love to hear from anyone on what you think of my sitch.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/13/1610:21 AM.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
I reallly appreciate this site and al of the great information on these boards. My sitch...WS and are 52, 17 years M with no children, very sound financial and physical shape, We have our share of stress, raised my son from my first M...2nd M for both. She has a history of child abuse in her life and depression. We are going to counseling for a little over a month now and she thinks she met her soulmate and refuses to leave that R. He's my exact opposite...no retirement savings, 2 kids, introverted, few friends..etc. I know that throughout our counseling we have discovered some of our gaps and I am encouraged that shes going to continue going. We start a trial separation on Dec 1st with NC..we will go to counseling separately and then meet at the end. Our plan is 2 30 day segments and see where we are at. She is getting her own place on the 1st. Everyone we know is shocked by this and shes not sure why??? So I know the fog is thick, but I also know that I am getting stronger everyday and I am reading,working out, working through my stuff so that I can make my choice when the time comes. I woul love to hear any feedback and thank you for all that you have written here, this place is priceless!
Last edited by Cadet; 11/13/1610:24 AM. Reason: threads merged
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome to our community. I believe you will find supporters here. Sunday's are slow, but by tomorrow morning, things will start jumping again. I hope you will stick with us and post often. Also, when you finish reading the links on the Cadet's post (we call it the homework), start reading other threads and see how they deal with their problems.
You said your W suffered abuse when she was a child. What type of abuse, and who abused her? Did she ever receive therapy?
You also mentioned some resentment she had about raising your son. Can you expound a little about it?
Do the two of you have children together? Did she have children from her first M? Is anyone living in the house with you now?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, Thank you for responding. My wife was molested by her father for years and is now getting therapy for many things including this. She suffers from depression and always feels unworthy of her success in life and has had much to feel good about. She and my son never got along and we never had kids, so she felt like an outsider when spent so much time with him when he played organized sports. She was never able to be who's step mom like she wanted and they never got along. I am living alone now, we never had kids and my son moved out of state for a job after college.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks Cadet...As I said in my opening. I have been reading DR and practicing it...still in counseling with her and now we are headed to a 30 NC Trial Separation managed by our counselor. So I am headed in the right direction, As far as her, she finally told a couple that we know and they are blown away by her...they said that she seemed to think this was all Ok. The wife of this couple was LBS in her first marriage and she contacted me to tell me how angry she is at my WS. She is going to tell her what she thinks when they see her again soon. My WS is acting like this is normal and has shown no emotion. Even our counselor commented that this seems unhealthy. She almost has a split personality.....so the road is a long one. I am in for some of it, but see that as I am GAL, I may not have the patience needed to go more than 60 days.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
She likely does have a split personality as this is part of the script.
Yes, she almost certainly has dissociative identity disorder (DID), particularly if the abuse started at a relatively young age. People who suffer from childhood sexual abuse generally have poor boundaries and are very susceptible to advances from not-so-good people.
If she is diagnosed with DID, the healing process can take many years and can be very erratic.
Great feedback...60 days gives me some boundary...I am not sure what I really want, but at least I can have some measurement by then to measure for any progress.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
