Hello all! I was lost when I was blindsided by all of this a few weeks ago until I stumbled on Michele's video, "Walk Away Wife Syndrome". My sanity and some clarity came back to me and I truly appreciate that. I have read the "DR" book but I have a question that I have not found a concrete answer on.
My story isn't uncommon as I read through these forums. In my eyes, up until 3-4 weeks ago, our relationship was ok, not perfect by any means, but definitely not on the brink of divorce. Then one day, she came home from work and told me, "This is not working, we need to D. I love you but I am not in love with you."
My heart dropped and was in shock. I think my first words were, "Are you serious? How did you decide overnight on this?" The day before, we were fine, we were even intimate the day before that and it was a genuine, emotional, "making love" not just sex. I was dumbfounded how this came to be in less than 48 hours.
She tells me it has been a build up over time, not just 1 thing in particular. I continue to question but she doesn't have any straight answers really. She goes upstairs and tells me that she needs her space and she is going to stay in the MBR with the door closed and if I need something, knock first or text her.
So I sat there, mind racing, trying to figure all this out. Was it an OM? EA? PA? I immediately researched phone calls/texts/social media...nothing out of the ordinary.
I then decided, well ok, time to figure this out and I will make it right. I then proceeded to do everything that you are not supposed to do according to the rules I now know. Persuing, pleading, begging, etc. And as we all know, didn't help or solve anything. Just made her more recluse and short tempered.
She stayed at a friend of the families house last weekend but came back on Wed due to her feeling super uncomfortable there. I agreed to stay in a separate bedroom to give her space. She had mentioned a week after the BD that I needed to go find somewhere to go. But here in lies the issue.
Last year I was laid off from my job due to the position being removed because the contract of my company not being renewed. We mutually decided that I would stay at home to take care of he kids to avoid daycare/finding people to watch them. She makes enough for us to get by but it was still tight. A few months ago she mentioned that she wanted me to start looking for a job. I said ok, but this is going to be a difficult transition. Not impossible but difficult. She said she felt like she was working too much and not able to spend time with the kids. So I looked for awhile and applied but nothing ever came through. Needless to say, I have no income and she wants me to move out! I have since applied, made it through the 1st interview and 2nd interview is on Monday. If I get this job, I will be able to deal with all of this a ton better.
She has been patient and understanding that I need a job before I can make progress. But now, she wants to have "the talk" with our 5D tomorrow. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage but they are with their mother atm.
I have made a lot of changes (for myself) already and I believe she has noticed them but I think she feels that the physical separation needs to occur in order for her to find herself. I too believe that it would help with her understanding the effects of my not being around as well. Like loneliness, missing me, etc.
My question is, as far as separation goes, what is the best way to break this to our 5D exactly? Are there any creative alternatives other than me moving out? Also, once I start working and get enough money to get an apartment, how should I approach my WAW with this? The last thing I want is to go and sign a lease, then a week later she decides to work on things. I may be thinking too far ahead but I like to be prepared with options.
I am an optimist and I do believe things can turn around but I know I can't sit and wait. I just don't want to do anything that would prevent us from me going back to the house.
Thank you for reading my post and I am excited to join this group. So much knowledge to absorb!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Unfortunately, my credit was bad when we bought it so it is only in her name. Also, due to not working, I currently have no way of paying for anything, let alone bills and mortgage. I dug myself in a hole when I decided to stay at home and now I am paying for it. Just never knew it would come to this.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have tried to explain I would separate myself inside the house but she says that it doesn't even feel like there is space or separation if we are in the same house. I also mentioned that hopefully I will get the job on Monday and I will be gone a lot on top of that. Still wants complete separation.
A long the way, she did downgrade from divorce to separation. If she was intent on divorce, then I think the talk with my 5D would be appropriate. But I feel like if she just needs some space and assuming DB works, then my 5D went thru this traumatic experience for nothing.
I have tried to explain I would separate myself inside the house but she says that it doesn't even feel like there is space or separation if we are in the same house. I also mentioned that hopefully I will get the job on Monday and I will be gone a lot on top of that. Still wants complete separation.
A long the way, she did downgrade from divorce to separation. If she was intent on divorce, then I think the talk with my 5D would be appropriate. But I feel like if she just needs some space and assuming DB works, then my 5D went thru this traumatic experience for nothing.
Dont assume that just because you separate "in-house" that it will be easier.
I liken it this way: imagine you mowed the lawn and watched it grow for 3 weeks. Would you notice any specific change over the course of that time? What if you mowed the lawn then went on vacation for 3 weeks? My point, is that sometimes, by being so close, you dont give any opportunity for your evolution to be felt by her. In fact, it may even stunt your growth.
I understand that. I am just wondering if there was an idea (I can't think of any) to propose to my W other than moving out, for the sake of my 5D. The main reason posting this is for her sake. My journey is just beginning but I would rather avoid my 5D to suffer because of her wishes for me to move out for separation purposes.
My W just says our 5D will be fine after some time. If it has to happen so be it. I will continue to work on the steps no matter what happens for myself and hopefully for our family as well. I can't predict what she will do (with our R) but I hope I become a success story someday and the work pays off.
Is she paying you to move out? Where are you going to live? If she makes more money than you then maybe she must pay you alimony. Don't cave in so fast.
