New to the Boards. Marriage in Crisis.

[ngs]

Yes, it is a tough balance and I realize that while we share some of the same circumstances we are also in very different places in our relationships.

And I'm sorry that I implied about the what-ifs, not my intention and that does you no good. I've driven myself crazy in the past with what-ifs.

It's great that you're speaking up for yourself and keep up the good work.

[MoveFrwd]

Why do you consider asking her to wear her ring a "favor".

In my opinion, I wouldnt necessarily call it controlling, but I think it isnt really the core issue. The issue is that it bothers you that she isnt wearing her ring. So frame it around YOU and not on what you want HER to do.

It bothers ME when...
I get upset because...

Things like this she cant really argue with. You are expressing YOUR feelings and not just asking her to do an action.

Make sense?

[Chris73]

Why do you consider asking her to wear her ring a "favor".

In my opinion, I wouldnt necessarily call it controlling, but I think it isnt really the core issue. The issue is that it bothers you that she isnt wearing her ring. So frame it around YOU and not on what you want HER to do.

It bothers ME when...
I get upset because...

Things like this she cant really argue with. You are expressing YOUR feelings and not just asking her to do an action.

Make sense?

YES. Total sense. Thank you darkness (and ngs too!)

I will try using those phrases more often.

[Chris73]

Peaks and valleys...

Coming off the high I experienced on Tuesday after a good therapy session and some positive recognition from my W, today I'm feeling the lows. Our problems are still very real and I know that progress is measured over the long term, but I'm feeling discouraged today.

I wish I could look in to my W's head and understand what's going on with her. In the beginning I actually tried to do this by spying on her emails, txt messages, cell phone records, and reading her journal. Obviously these were all bad ideas and I never found anything out by spying that made me feel better. Most of the time it made me feel worse, or just more suspicious.

I've stopped all that now. Partially because my wife got fed up with my big brother routine and changed her pwds, but also because I've detached. I know I can't change how she feels or what she does, and I'm definitely happier now that I've switched the focus to me. But on days like this it's really hard. I miss my wife terribly (even tho I see her every day). I miss the closeness we used to have. The closeness that I took for granted...

Anyway, we have our 2nd MC session tomorrow night and then planned to out for a drink after. I plan to keep mood of the "drink after" very light. We'll probably go somewhere that offers a distraction (billiards, bowling, etc.) so that we can enjoy each other's company without the tension of conversation as the main focus. We'll see how it goes.

As for the MC session, I need some advice. How much of my hand should I be revealing in MC? I know the intention is to talk honestly, but how do I maintain the progress I've made detaching during the session? I'm certainly not going to try to control the discussion. I hope to spend more time listening than talking. But if the subject of the change in my behavior comes up I want to be able to have a good answer. Something like, "I realized 3 weeks ago that my mindset and my actions weren't helping our situation so I decided to make a change and focus more on improving myself and focusing on the positive aspects of my life. I want to make this marriage work, but if I can't I still need to fix my own problems so that I can be a better man and father."

Thoughts...?

[MoveFrwd]

if the subject of the change in my behavior comes up I want to be able to have a good answer. Something like, "I realized 3 weeks ago that my mindset and my actions weren't helping our situation so I decided to make a change and focus more on improving myself and focusing on the positive aspects of my life. I want to make this marriage work, but if I can't I still need to fix my own problems so that I can be a better man and father."

Whats wrong with just this?
The rest sounds like youre trying to sell her on you.

[msp710]

Being in a similar situation I can say that the best thing you can do is to listen. Just listen. Don't interrupt. If the MC asks you something, stop and think and give a measured answer. You're going to learn a lot more about what's going on in your wife's head by letting the MC guide the conversation and questions. And another word of advice: don't use the sessions as if this is a jury trial. It's not your job to sit there and refute things that your wife says. It'll just push her further away. Whatever is in your wife's head is real to her. Telling her she's wrong is just more of the same to her. Saying you're changing will not carry much weight. Your wife will have to see tangible changes in order for her to believe that things are really different.

Even though my wife and I are splitting, the MC sessions has given me a certain understanding and measure of comfort knowing how we arrived at this point. I came to realize that our marriage wasn't working for either of us even though I was willing to keep it going. Your original marriage is dead. Whatever comes out of situation, whether it's reconciliation or not, will have to be entirely new.

[Chris73]

Thanks you two. Great advice all around!

darknes, regarding my little "speech" above, you're totally right. It does sound a bit like a sales pitch. So let's say the subject comes up and I reply with your edited short version, and then either the MC or my wife says, "tell me more about this change..." How much should I elaborate?

Your original marriage is dead. Whatever comes out of situation, whether it's reconciliation or not, will have to be entirely new.

This statment is so harsh and yet so on point at the same time. I want my old marriage back, but that's impossible and regardless we both know that the old marraige didn't work so getting it back wouldn't help anyway. It's an opportunity for transformation.

Who moved my cheese?

[msp710]

Your original marriage is dead. Whatever comes out of your situation, whether it's reconciliation or not, will have to be entirely new.

This statment is so harsh and yet so on point at the same time. I want my old marriage back, but that's impossible and regardless we both know that the old marraige didn't work so getting it back wouldn't help anyway. It's an opportunity for transformation [/quote]

This was the hardest thing for me to accept because if the marriage is dead, then it might not come back. I think its part of grieving process.

[Chris73]

MC tonight.

I am ready. Going to sit and do a lot of listening. I have not mentioned the R to my W (other than our last MC session) since we discussed separation 3 weeks ago, so my hope is that some honesty comes out of this session (good or bad).

Depending on how things go, the plan is to go out for a drink after. I don't plan to continue the R conversation over drinks but will strive to keep things light and fun. It's been a while since we've had any fun together...

Wish me luck!

[doodler]

Good luck!