New to the Boards. Marriage in Crisis.

[DonH]

Chris, I don't want to scare you but I do want to prepare you. This is exactly what happened to me and in many ways was one of the worst days of my life - June, 2005. Like you, at first I was excited we were going to counseling. Then a few hours prior it dawned on me that my W might use the safety and support of C to ask for D. She did. It was surreal. I'm a pilot and the C's office was near the airport where I kept my plane, yet I could not find my way out of the parking lot and to the Interstate! That's how incapacitated I was.

I don't want to go into any more about me. What I simply want to do is let you know to prepare just in case this happens. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. If it does, you'll handle it better. It also doesn't mean it's over. Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Just don't get blindsided. If you prepare this in your mind and plan your reaction you'll get through it much better than if it's a complete shock.

Let's hope we are both wrong. Either way, it really just is the start of all of this. If she says she wants to save the M or D it all can change the next day. Let us know how it goes and many here will listen and help.

[Chris73]

The first MC session went better than I had expected. My wife did not ask for a separation and agreed to attend more counseling. We have individual sessions next and then another group session next week.

My wife has a troubled background that has nothing to do with me. Her mother was an alcoholic and was married 5 times. My wife was constantly bearing the brunt of the emotional strain that her mother inflicted on her.

When we decided to get married, she was very committed to the idea and even told me many times in those tender moments late at night that, "You'll never get rid of me. You're stuck with me forever". And I believe she was genuine in those moments.

But after the death of her mom 3 years ago (refer to my initial post for details) I guess she had some sort of revelation. She finally felt free from the guilt and burden of the relationship with her mother and started to see the world with new eyes.

It was with these new eyes that she started to question if she REALLY married me for the right reasons and whether she would be able to live with being married to me over the long haul, after the kids moved out and we only had each other.

I bring this all up her because this is what she revealed in our first session. I can't say that all of this was news. We talked about it in various ways before. I mean it sounds like she's having an MLC brought on from some intensive individual therapy that forcing her to look inward.

I just wonder if anyone else on the boards has been through this. Have any of you been told, "I married you for the wrong reasons" only later to hear something like, "I realize now how much we have that's good and I just focused on the negative for too long." ?

Yes, this is me being hopeful, I don't want to think that my wife will never love me again. I want to support her as she goes through this and be there for her when she gets to the other side. I also understand now that the best thing I can do for her now is to get a life and give her space.

But just so I understand. Is this the time to "go dark" and/or use the LRT? Or are we not there yet? The MC advised us to "do nothing" with regard to making decisions about the relationship and that's fine. I'm certainly not going to initiate sex, but what about just having fun? I think our relationship could use a little fun, even if it's just a bottle of wine and a scrabble board. Or maybe even a night out to a movie?

What do you all think?

[doodler]

In the DR book, Michelle mentions that doing nothing is a viable, and sometimes, beneficial option. If MC is working and your MC asked you to do nothing, then I think doing nothing right now might be a good approach.

[Chris73]

I've just read the first two paragraphs of the DR book. They describe my wife's disposition so accurately it's scary. I know that the general advice on this forum is to keep the DB/DR books hidden and private, but what if I were to get the book for my wife and ask her to read it. Am I overstepping? I think she might get something out of it...

[Cadet]

what if I were to get the book for my wife and ask her to read it.

I guess you did not read my post above.

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

Bad idea to share it with her, IMHO.

If you were a football coach would you share your playbook with the other team?

[Rose888]

I would not go dark or use LRT.

I understand what you mean about needing fun in your relationship, but you need to tread very lightly. Very very lightly.

In my case, my H seemed to want to spend time with me, so I accepted those invitations.

I worked on GAL, and some times he asked if he could join me. I accepted his company.

And at the beginning, when we both knew R talks were bad but we had a hard time falling into them, I suggested we watch a new show together.

[Chris73]

Thanks Cadet and Rose. I will take your advice. I ordered the DR book and will keep it hidden. I will prioritize GAL activities but invite her to join me if she wants to. Already started doing this actually. With my schedule and parent responsibilities, my GAL activities mostly happen at home. An event that allows us to both go out requires planning.

It makes me so sad that the things I took for granted now require planning and strategy. We used to have such a fun life together. I miss her so much

[Chris73]

Last night was good. My wife worked late so by the time she came home, the kids were in bed and all the "end of day" chores were done. She came downstairs and sat with me for a while. We had a nice light conversation. It didn't feel forced.

Going to bed is the toughest part of the day for me. We still share the MBR but when we lay down next to each other there's a bit of tension. I want to get close to her but I know that she's not there. Typically we just kiss goodnight.

One of the things I've been doing in the morning for the past week is to ask her (or send her a text if she's still asleep) that simply says, "How can I make your day better?" So far she hasn't asked me to do anything, but I think she's starting to get more appreciative of my asking.

This morning I created a Facebook event called "The Season Finale of America" to take place at 9pm at our house with the simple message of "Join me on the couch downstairs while we sip Martinis and watch the end of America." She accepted the invite. I think the election coverage will be just enough of a distraction to keep things light but not as involved as a show where we don't talk at all. We'll see how it goes.

Question for the group...

When the subject of separation came up last week I spent a lot of time thinking about how that would actually work. I did some research and realized that I don't HAVE to leave my home if I don't want to. This realization empowered me a bit. If it actually comes down to my wife asking me to leave, I'll say no and give her the options of 1) we both keep working on a R, 2) we separate but I stay in the house, moving to a different room for sleeping if I have to, or 3) she moves out.

Clearly option 3 would be devistating for our kids, but it would be her choice, not mine. I really don't WANT to think about this but I have to be prepared for how to react if it gets to that point, right?

Have any other Hs out there gone through this? What did you do?

[JRuss]

Re option 2, don't move out of the MBR. She can do that if she needs to (mine did).

[MJTT]

I just wonder if anyone else on the boards has been through this. Have any of you been told, "I married you for the wrong reasons" only later to hear something like, "I realize now how much we have that's good and I just focused on the negative for too long." ?

Chris my W told me the same thing when I exposed her EA. She literally rewrote our entire history together (we should've never been together, we were incompatible, we shouldn't have been married, she was miserable etc....). After her EA ended she went from regretting the our time together of 11 years, to only our marriage and then recently to only regrets the failures of our marriage. I think with time and depending on how deep she was in the A she may start to see things differently soon. I know our situation is different though but hang in there.