Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 6)

[JRuss]

FG -- I too struggle with seeing how this could ever be a positive improvement in my kids' lives.

All I can ever come up with is that I should be able to be a lot more present at all times than I have been the last 20 months. There have been times when, despite my best efforts, I've been completely lost in my own head worrying and fretting and stressing about the sitch, and I'll suddenly realize I haven't been listening to D, or S wants to show me something, and I'm not awake for him. And maybe removing me from the picture will make W happier and also a better parent.

So 50% less time with each parent, but better time in both instances with a fully engaged parent is the argument. I don't know if it's a good one, but when I'm trying to cope with all of the guilt I feel at not being able to salvage this situation for them, it sometimes helps somewhat.

lt -- I've noticed that anger, especially, is closely related to my then-level of emotional fatigue. It's under there lurking all the time, but it only ever seems to come out at all when I'm tired and feeling overwhelmed.

[ForGump]

The only times I've felt like a divorce could be good for the kids is when my W has gotten extremely angry at them a few times.

I know exactly how it feels to not have the kids 50% of the time -- that happens when I go away for work and it totally s[u]cks. Talking to them on the phone is not even close to just being in the same house with them, and having normal interactions. No two ways about it -- divorce s[u]cks.

JR -- I remember you being totally bummed that your W failed to do anything about your anniversary. What did *you* do about the anniversary yourself? Did you say anything? Get a card?

[JRuss]

I took my kids out to a restaurant for brunch, then drove out into the country by myself and took a bunch of pictures (a new GAL passion). I didn't get a card, and I didn't say anything to her. I fretted about it quite a bit, and I wanted to do something, but in the end, it felt like it would be (more) pursuit where I knew she wasn't going to do anything (and was right). It sucked a lot.

[JRuss]

Our third session of MC is today. Despite the fact that we share the same parking garage at our respective places of work, she told me she again wants to drive separately the 2.5 miles to the MCs office. I find that sad and ridiculous, but I didn't say anything about it.

I'm not optimistic of any sort of improvement with MC since W told me she's really only going to improve communication, smooth the interactions until we split, etc. I'm not sure I see the value proposition in paying $150/session for that, frankly. I'm going to try to take a wait and see approach, but I think I'll pull the plug sooner rather than later if that's really all we're there for in W's view.

I certainly would have loved it if we could have been there with a shared purpose. I don't guess I'll ever have closure around why she never once for even a moment entertained the idea that working on our R was worthwhile or something you'd try really hard at before pulling the plug. I'll never understand how a mind can work like that where kids are involved -- I wouldn't be able to look at them if I didn't try to keep their family together.

[j20a00g]

Tread very carefully going to basic MC sessions if she wants out. It could just make things far worse and advance the timeline tremendously.

[msp710]

I've seen both side of the MC debate. It has helped me see what my wife has become frustrated with and how she arrived at her decision to ask for a divorce. My wife left me out of the decision making process of the divorce so this was helpful. However, the amount of revisionist history she spews is nauseating.

God bless the woman MC we're going to. She's trying desperately to keep us together but my wife ain't having it.

[JRuss]

j20a00g -- other than accelerating W's timing for blowing up the family, I'm not sure what "far worse" would entail. I'm not sure that advancing that timing -- if she's really uninterested in working on the R -- wouldn't be an improvement from my perspective. I'm still working through that, which would be a big change for me.

msp710 -- my W was really engaged the first two times we went, which got me thinking and hoping maybe she was, finally, trying to work on our R. She told me a week ago Sunday, however, that that's not the case, so I'm pretty sure this is a waste of my time and our still-shared resources. We'll see, but I go into the meeting with no expectations or hopes at all at this point.

[msp710]

Me too. I could tell from the first 5 minutes that she was only there to pacify me. My wife was talking to her IC for a year about our problems and never came to me with her concerns. By the time she she came to me with the divorce, she was gone. In her mind, the moment she told me she wanted a divorce, she was already divorced. Tonight she's going out with a bunch of 20-somethings. She's on her own planet.

One thing the MC said that really got me was that she thought that our communication was so bad that we would have a difficult time co-parenting. Forget about being in working marriage.

[ForGump]

My two cents: getting someone to think rationally and reasonably is a long, patchy, and uncertain road. I don't make a lot of money but I would not hesitate to pay $150 to have my W talk to a good counselor for an hour, even if it seems like it's just her venting. I think on a subconscious level, her talking about it is helpful by making it cathartic rather than pent-up, and could pave the way for a healthier view of marriage. But there are no guarantees. So, from the position of I-have-nothing-to-lose, I think MC is good. If you are looking at MC to save your marriage... then ... the choice is much more fraught.

I imagine that in the big financial picture, though ... $150 is a drop in the bucket. You could look at it this way: even if doesn't change her mind, it could help her be more at peace, and that's priceless in a D process. You could burn through hell of a lot more than $150 if your D was contentious.

[JRuss]

Well, Round 3 is in the book.

I think we're probably not going back. The MC essentially called BS on my W's view of what MC is, at least as practiced in her office. Said it's not something you do just so you can make your spouse not hurt as badly; they are going to be hurt (especially where there hasn't been any attempt at R), and you need to own that as the natural, entirely predictable outcome of what you've set in motion. Which she's allowed to have set into motion if that's what she has determined is the best thing. She basically put the ball in my W's court: come back and work on it with me and your H trying to salvage the R or do what you're going to do separation- and/or divorce-wise. She told my W, "you're an adult, you can do what you want to do".

My W doesn't want to R and never has, apparently, so that probably ends our brief MC experience. At least I didn't have to be the bad guy saying it's a waste of time and money.

For now, I'm just going to put my head down, smile, be a good Dad, keep doing what I've been doing GAL-wise and get through the holidays and reassess what I want to do in early 2017. I don't see another 18 months of this being something that interests me, but I want to tread warily, keep the kids and their needs in mind and just see what's up in the New Year. It makes a lot of sense to me now when I see that stat that says January is the biggest month for D filings.