Alright after a week of reading the newcomer stuff i think im ready to post. Divorce Remedy is on its way.
Backstory- Met my future wife in highschool as a coworker @15. Took 18 months for us to begin dating. Great couple, 5 years in she has an EA with a coworker that strained our relationship until it died. We rekindled but i guess never tackled underlying issues, a year later our daughter is born, then marriage 2 yrs after that, then a son a year or so later. 12 yrs together, D6, married 5, S3.
End of 2015 W finds a job after 3yrs of in home childcare. She oddly spent first month of 2016 trying to meet my sexual needs. For which i didnt not give the responses she had hoped for, so that died down, things kinda go into a funk for next 6 months until i discover yet another EA with a coworker during a family trip. I have a blowup unsure if i could go through that again, even questioned a PA. She denied, few days later after she got fired, rumor gets to me about getting caught at work. I confront her she finally admits a PA of about 3 months. Next few days are spent blameshifting me, her not sure about us, me being an emotional blob, she then decides shes no longer in love with me, hangs around a few more weeks until moving into our camper at her mothers. I read about exposure and i did. She says she wants D but hasnt filed, wants us to figure it out before hand, i refuse to file or cooperate.
Wife has now been pushing OM onto her family and my kids now and hints to her unwilling parents about him staying their.
So now she quit our small talk if i wont discuss divorce. So i went dark 5 days ago. No more nice gestures toward her, no more good mornings/goodnights or ILY. No more texting her. As i went dark i started reading sandis threads. And here i am.. Looking for advice and willing to answer any questions about my stitch as you guys need.
Thank you guys
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So some quick questions while i read through those threads. #1- I am trying to stall as far as the whole divorce process. if she wants it im not doing her legwork, and she has yet to file. She has left me the counties DIY GUIDE TO DIVORCE laying around for me to fill out, but she hasnt mentioned directly to me, she is pushing to figure out our holidays with the kids, but feels like shes just after a fight. Her sister told me to get rid of the papers, so i did.
Even though it upsets her do i continue avoiding all divorce talk?
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
So some quick questions while i read through those threads. #1- I am trying to stall as far as the whole divorce process. if she wants it im not doing her legwork, and she has yet to file. She has left me the counties DIY GUIDE TO DIVORCE laying around for me to fill out, but she hasnt mentioned directly to me, she is pushing to figure out our holidays with the kids, but feels like shes just after a fight. Her sister told me to get rid of the papers, so i did.
Even though it upsets her do i continue avoiding all divorce talk?
Look into the thread on VALIDATION, yes you can avoid the talk however you could also just agree as that takes the wind out of her sails.
Validation does not mean you help her do the work. It just stops the arguing.
I validated her last text regarding the issue with 'im sorry you feel that im treating you like a child' in regards to me not respecting her decision (divorce/or quitting small talk im not certain which decision she was referring to).
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
I validated her last text regarding the issue with 'im sorry you feel that im treating you like a child' in regards to me not respecting her decision (divorce/or quitting small talk im not certain which decision she was referring to).
Nope. So after a day of waiting i went dark minus a breif request to see kids before they went trick or treating with her. She did curiously text me after the weekend that she put my daughters bedding in the wash, when day before she wouldnt text me regarding our kids transport.
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
Im really trying to stay positive while dimming, slowly im making it through the above suggested threads, and will spend the weekend out of town with my kids reading DR. Im very concerned my actions after BD have dug my hole too deep as i spent last three months trying to win her back.
I changed the deadbolt locks and will be locking everything before i leave. Im sure that will upset her as she treats the home she left as her own when shes there to get kids off to school. But i dont want her taking anymore stuff, or hiding out with him in my own home.
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
I read through DR. And pretty much got that i need to go LRT since my wife has moved out to persue her affair. And that i need to GAL. As thats what most my friends n family say as well, but getting a life feels like moving on which feels like giving up and closing the door. To me that would be starting new relationships or having my fun. Which feels like a violation of my marriage and caving to temptation. That nearly happened once already after she left and i feel if im to take that route, i might as well file for divorce myself...
BH:30 WW:30 T:12 M:5 D7 S4 BD 7-28-16 S 8-28-16 3-15-17 wife filed 3-17-17 OM joint files with his wife
Well I don't think you have to go out and sleep with someone....
IMO--I look at detaching, as saying I let you go to pursue your own choices as an individual --and of course I will as well is implied (do not have to say or it sounds like a threat or ultimatum)
If you can posture with great self confidence and no ill feelings just boundaries with the other person, I think it sends the message. IMO and others here are more experts than me.
Look, if she does not come back then it will not happen. And if she does come back it will be because you were able to truly detach.... and then she has to work to get back.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
