I genuinely love the way that you constantly challenge my thoughts Darkness - this is what this place is all about!
I guess I don't know if this is having any effect and I clearly am becoming impatient (and somewhat frustrated). I know its only been 9 weeks which doesn't seem like long, but to me it seems like a lifetime.
That's just it mate, I don't know what alternatives I have. It's just GAL and move forward, but I find myself consistently looking backwards.
I am beginning to miss the companionship and the marriage a little more than my W at the moment, but would still do ANYTHING to R.
I was in my garden the other night thinking to myself that "I'm done, this isn't going to change and I'm ready to accept this now - I don't want to go back".... I then saw a shooting star and IMMEDIATELY wished that she'd come home. What a contradiction eh?
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
I've had my son this weekend, but I think I've realised I find it just as tough when I have him as when I don't. When I do have him, I find that the things we do (and we always have action packed days), I alway feel that 'something is missing - 3 guesses who!
This feels like a big step backwards
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
I go through the same thing RBG, thinking I'm good, and think I'm getting over her, then I'll think of something, see something, and I'll immediately just want to be near her, hug her, kiss her, and I really hurt for her to come back.
It's just emotions, it's hard to control them all the time. I don't think it's a step backwards, it's part of the journey we're facing. Accept it and keeping moving forward.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
So received an email today from the W stating "this is just as hard for me you know I know you don’t think it is and I am all the c*nts under the sun".
My response was : "I don't think that of you Clare. I understand why you did what you did (I don't understand why we couldn't have fought for it, but I accept that that's your decision). With respect, whilst I suspect that this is difficult for you, you haven't missed me at all so this can't be as hard for you as it is for me, you've got what you wanted, I'm left in a situation that I don't want to be in - I spend my time thinking about what has been lost and struggle to look forward to a bleak future. Again, (I say this respectfully), you now have the future that you want. Whilst piecing back our marriage would be very hard and mean a rebirth of the relationship, this separation is NOT what I want! But I accept that this is what you want and therefore this is the way that it is. I'm trying to piece myself back together so that there is no animosity between us - I want to be as amicable as possible".
I then received : "And I appreciate that. I am not getting into this as there is no point and future that I want? Ok its more the future that I was pushed into Saturday night prime example, how many years would I ask you to go to bonfire or fireworks? Another memory that I have now lost out on".
I went back with : "No you're right, this shouldn't be an argument Clare - I don't want that.
I genuinely would have loved you to have been there on Saturday - I missed you terribly! There are some more photos but they are of me and Joe and I didn't think you'd want to see those. I'm sorry for my failings Clare, I truly am, there are many regrets that I have - that we didn't make more memories doing things together but I am grateful for those memories that we do have - it's a shame it has taken something like this to happen to make me realise this".
So thoughts on this - How many mistakes have I made here?...
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
So the bomb dropped and moving out was about 2 months ago and you are having relationship talks?
This is far from detaching. Telling her you miss her. Telling her how she feels ("you haven't missed me at all.."). Telling her what you are doing.
If you want to keep the peace you did a great job. If you want to shake things up and try something that may help, you have some work to do starting now!
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Re her missing me, this is something that she has told me, and I was referencing. The rest though, point taken.
Up until today, I had been detaching and going somewhat dark, but I'm struggling to know what to do as this doesn't seem to be having any effect (that I can see).
I've noted that she is missing the times that we would have had and that my GAL appears to be working - thought please guys...
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Re her missing me, this is something that she has told me, and I was referencing. The rest though, point taken.
Up until today, I had been detaching and going somewhat dark, but I'm struggling to know what to do as this doesn't seem to be having any effect (that I can see).
I've noted that she is missing the times that we would have had and that my GAL appears to be working - thought please guys...
I would have limited my response to "I don't think that of you. I believe you when you say it is hard."
And then nothing else.
Detachment is primarily for your own emotional health. It also happens to give your marriage the best shot, but here is no guarantee that detaching and GAL will bring your spouse back.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I've learned the hard way that "detaching" and any sort of effort looking to ascertain the "effect" it may be having on your spouse are two things that can't really exist at the same time. If you are detached, you won't be checking to see how it is impacting your spouse (which paradoxically gives it the best chance of impacting your spouse); if you are not detached, then you will be checking. It is the hardest part of all of this, IMO. The more you "try" to detach, the more it will elude you. There's an infuriating zen quality to it -- reach for it, and you can't grab it; don't seek it, and it will one day be there, like a protective piece of emotional armor you don't remember putting on.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
