I'm struggling to know if my W is a WAW or a MLC'er...
My W left 6 weeks ago and has very little communication with me since (just about our S). We've been together for 18 years (we were childhood sweethearts) and she has express (not to me but others) a desire to rekindle some of her lost youth. She went out with a mutual friend at the weekend and of course got very drunk. I'm told that she is very straight in her thoughts and has NO desire to reconcile or work at things. When asked if she's missed me she says "no" and she just wants good things for me - but that we are done.
She began drinking a lot more than than usual (a lot more regularly) about 9 months ago and spent most of her free time on her phone. I do KNOW that there is no-one else (she just wants to be on her own and focus on her).
Sh is of the impression that this will have no affect on our 3.5 yr old S. She appears angry with me regularly and seems so detached from the situation.
She has a history of severe depression however maintains on her medication. She suffered massive post natal depression also.
Her own parents broke up when she was 15 - and her Mom probably left 10 years later than she should have. I know that my W doesn't want to end up in the same position as her mom, however her mom was in an abusive relationship with a man who cheated on her numerous times. I have never done either!
I struggle to know whether I'm dealing with a MLC or WAW. Any advise or help would be gratefully appreciated.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
From what you've posted today, she sounds like she may be in crisis. I would suggest that you stop asking her if she misses you. How can she when you are in contact w/her? She can't. Sure she's done in her way of thinking.
The expression of rekindling her lost youth is definitely a red flag, as well as the drinking, on the phone, etc. Right now, she wants to be free of all responsibility and accountability. She thinks that you and the relationship are making her unhappy and yes, depression does play a main role in MLC. If she's on meds for depression, she shouldn't be mixing them w/alcohol or other drugs, but she's an adult and you have no control over her, her behavior or what she thinks. She'll have to learn the hard way about this.
Of course, she doesn't think that the situation will impact the child. None of them do. It's all about them and what they want and they think the children will be A-Okay.
Question for you...what happened in the last 18-24 months? Something triggered the crisis and it could be the post natal depression, but maybe something else happened in her life, i.e., death of friend, co-worker family member, new job, lost job, health issues, etc.
Whether she is a WAW or in MLC, you will do the same thing, give her plenty of time and space, no relationship talks unless she brings them up, do not bring up divorce (unless you want one) and keep the discussions on mutual things such as your child. Also, watch your assets, i.e., financial accounts and charge accounts. If she's "gone", she very well may begin spending to ease the inner pain that she is suffering from.
This is going to be a very difficult and trying time for you. Dig deep for patience and try to keep the focus on you and your child. Your child will need you now more than ever w/the mother on her trip to relive her past.
Read the homework, visit the other threads and use this forum as a place to come to talk, vent or blog. Choose a close friend to talk to, but try to refrain from talking to others about the situation. People who generally bring you info, will take info back as well and you do not want things to get back to your wife.
I'm really sorry you are here. One last thing...breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
