Hi. I am a mom of 4 kids ages 9,7, 5 and 5 (twins). 7 weeks ago after my hubby lost weight, bought a new wardrobe, changed his look etc. I got the bomb drop. A total surprise to me, because i was very happy in our marriage. And I actually believe he was too. My bomb drop is I love you, but I want to be in love, I deserve more in my life and I feel empty with you. He says, the rat race with the kids seems like a chore/job to him because our relationship is nothing. I spent the first few weeks begging and pleading which only infuriated him and made him stay away. He said he wants to work out and work on himself and doesn't have the energy or desire to give anything to me or anything else. He's been nothing but awful to live with since August.
In the past week I have taken advice from the board, stopped paying attention to him, doing my own thing, etc. and I am getting attention. He texts me, says I love you, hugs me, asks me to bear with him and not to shut him out, etc. Although he is doing these nice things, he is still very distant and I can tell he is very much in the MLC. I think he is nervous I am going to leave him, which I kind if indicated when I told him, I am now moving on.
My question is. . When he hugs me - should I hug back? When he texts me I love you - should I say it back? When he comes to talk to me - how much should I pay attention and how much should I shut him out? Where is the balance in keeping the door open to fix this, vs. the tactic of keeping lots of distance.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
I might have a different perspective on this that may well not match your reality.
Imagine if you will that your husband is setting off on a journey. You have been his life-partner all along. He's lost and confused and doesn't "really" know what he wants and where he's going. While he's told you with his words that "he feels empty" he is still reaching out to you in many ways.
He says he wants to "be in love", he's searching for fulfillment. It may be that you could join him on this journey. If you read the books, they refer to something called "doing a 180" which means taking a look at what doesn't seem to work in your relationship and changing those things. Do you have any thoughts on what you might be able to consider to be a companion on his journey?
On the other hand, if he doesn't want you on this journey with him, that's a whole other set of issues. But from what you wrote in your initial post, I'm not completely sure that's the case.
Get and read the books but keep them to yourself. People going through transition don't want to be told that you're trying to "fix" them. Think deep and hard and honestly about yourself and your marriage. Both the good and the bad.
And keep posting. The more we know about you and your story the more we can try to help. We're mostly people struggling ourselves and we don't have all the answers, heck sometimes I'm pretty sure I don't even know the questions but it's a caring community that wants to help.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi All - Thanks so much for the quick responses to my post. I have no idea why he changed his look, just that he said he felt like a slug and is trying to make him self better. He says no that he feels better about him self the only thing he can focus on is the emptiness inside him related to our relationship and it makes him angry.
Thanks Andrew P - I have asked him to see counseling, make changes in our relationship or life, just plain start having sex to rekindle things, go to dinner or do something once a week,etc. He says no no no no to all of it. Says he doesn't want to fake it and is happier doing things alone. Only since i told him I am moving on and stopped focusing my attention on him he has started doing a few little "connection things" like I mentioned above. When asked what he wants, he says, he wish he could just be left alone and stay her OR go away for awhile and come back. When asked what he envisions a perfect marriage 10 years in with 4 young kids he says "that's just the point, I don't know, and it 'effing [censored] that I am trapped for the rest of my life in this complacency".
I want more from my marriage too but I have never been unhappy raising my 4 kids and supporting my family. My husband has NEVER had restrictions from me. I do it all. He comes and goes as he chooses while I manage everything else. In his bomb drop he mentioned that I am like a cold robort or like his roomate Billy. He get's no sense of romance or fulfillment from me. When I tried to explain it's because I am left to do it all alone, he says "that may be true, but that is just the person you really are. You can't be the person I want". I have tried to be more needy, sweet, relaxed, etc and he calls me a "faker". In all honesty, I would DIE for him to take care of me, sweep me off the floor, help me or just ask how I am doing. So it is insane to me that he says this.
I need to add that he is definitely abusing alcohol for sometime now and in the last 6 weeks when I tried to "talk" to him there has been a little bit of physical abuse. That said, I knew I would prompt it, because I wouldn't stop following him around the house trying to talk with him. So I really intiated it. I am just saying this because if I am looking for real help here I figure I need to be honest.
So when he reaches out with hugs, affection, initiates conversations and texts - how much do I allow to show my true feelings of LOVE or do I just continue to be cold for awhile. And if the latter, how do I know when I can approach again?
One more question. How much "Reinventing myself" can I really do with 4 young kids at home? I have less than 1 hour of free time to myself everyday. I do go for a run, but that isn't really anything different. The only thing different I do is not talk to him and go to my room and lurk on this blog which basically makes me look like sad sack i think. What can i do in my home while he is sitting on the couch miserable, drinking and I look happy?
One final question. Is the fact he doesn't want to leave significant at all? It seems many MLC leave the house? Maybe he didn't get the courage yet? OR maybe , as my friend says "Why would he leave"? He told me wants to live in this house and be left alone AND that is exactly what I am doing now. So am I just giving a license for this to be my fate?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
