It seems you are somewhat obsessed about the sex. That is what you miss about your W, and it is distracting you to the point of redefining, and certainly misapplying, some of the DB techniques. You can call anything a 180, but that doesn't automatically mean it's okay to use that particular action. Some people misuse that term to justify doing what their emotions dictate. In your case, your sex drive is directing you........and you may make some bad decisions if you don't get control and start thinking with your brain.
You said something about acting separated. Exactly what is the marital status? If you are in-house S, then don't tell her to put on something sexy to wear to bed. Are you still sleeping in the bed together? IMHO, it is not a good idea to wait until you are ready to engage in sex and then ask her if she's been tested for STD.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We're in-house separated in separate bedrooms. So, I had to add "come into my bedroom" as I have the MBR, and she's in the guest room.
I might be little obsessed with having sex with her, somewhat agree with u. As I mentioned before, I'm not even sure if she's willing to do it with me, as she has said she doesn't want me to touch her ever again. But, it wasn't really a part of our marriage (even when we were trying to get pregnant for a year or so, while enjoyable, it was routine, and there was no variety, which I really want to do now). I'd like to see, if she ever agrees to it, if we can find real enjoyment from it, as we never really did in our marriage. If I can keep my emotions out of it (hard to do, I know), might it be beneficial?
And, I'm not harping on it, it's been rare that I make a comment on it, but, every once in I want to see what she's thinking. Other than those few comments, I've done fairly well detaching, not talking to her about almost anything outside of our S.
As always, I appreciate all comments, including 2x4's.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
Well, I don't know your W, of course. It just seems to me you are looking at sex as a way to connect.......which I believe is natural for men. However, for a woman, sex would be more like a response or the result of emotionally connecting. For her, making love not only fills some of her needs, it is kind of like celebrating something good......like being in love. Maybe that's why she needs foreplay, to get into the mood to celebrate. Seriously, I think that's why some women don't desire sex if they feel angry or distant with the H. He wants to have sex to make up. She wants to make up and then have sex.
Where you may see it as a way of mending the R, she may want the R mended......and then make love.
Anyway, just my thoughts. I hope you won't take chances with your health.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There is an old saying... Men use (or offer) love to get sex while women use (or offer) sex to get love.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
she believe the money she'll get from D will help her (I did a good job saving money, so she'll get a good bit, although a lot of it is in IRA and 401K).
Since you want to delay a real separation as long as you can and prevent the divorce you don't want her buying a house.
You can and must flat out refuse to allow her to use IRA and 401(k) money to buy a house. If she doesn't want to move twice then she should just stay living with you (and NOT dating others) until some eventual divorce is FINAL.
Once the divorce is final...a QDRO is processed and her share of any IRA/401(k) would then be transferred into her own IRA from which she can do whatever she chooses (and incur any penalties and tax burden herself) but until then, she can only cash them in early or utilize them with your consent and signature. Refuse to agree thereby not enabling her continued destruction of your family and foolish premature waste of money. There is absolutely no reason that you should ever consent to her robbing the families nest egg to buy her own home while she remains married to you. If she wants it that bad, make her carry the full burden and responsibility for initiating and pursuing a divorce to fulfill her selfish entitled desires. Play no part in her terroristic desires.
Also - since she hasn't filed yet I hope you're not still contributing to the 401(k) as once any divorce is filed, you usually won't be allowed to change anything. You might even take the opportunity to withdraw a little cash so you have a rainy day fund and/or move around and protect some funds for safety. For example, some couples have just a regular savings account for the kids college money. Entitled divorcing wives don't care much about their children and their children's futures so they don't mind splitting that money up in the divorce either and taking "their" half. If any such accounts exist, you might still have the time to unilaterally put the "college money" (or set up a college fund with other monies) into a UTMA, IRA or 529 account for the benefit of the children protecting the money before she gets the chance to abscond it in any divorce.
Hopefully it will never come to divorce but it doesn't take a lot of effort to protect yourself (and your family - including your wife) on the backside a little bit. Plus, the harder and more daunting the escape-from-your-marriage-ladder looks up front the longer she may delay undertaking or following through with it. Do realize that the road to recovery is bound to involve your wife initially feeling STUCK in your marriage, before she'll ever consider it recoverable. "Stuck" is ok. We can work with "stuck" and inch her along the rode to maybe and then "Ok, let's try" but "stuck" first, works even if she only gets to "stuck" kicking' and screaming and berating you. And don't you laugh when she yells at you how she'll stay stuck with you but remain miserable on the inside forever just because I warned you she'd say that. It's how she FEELS at that moment so laughing wouldn't be appropriate but just be content that you've made progress once you hear those words while letting her believe her hurtful words hit their mark. I know it's odd, but I hope your wife feels stuck with you real soon.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Went to visit a friend this weekend, and I had a great time Friday and Saturday night. The drive down and back Friday early and Sunday sucked (4 hours each way), but it was worth it. FWIW, I did talk to women both nights, but I didn't make any passes, kept it fun and friendly. It was good for my confidence as I got good reactions.
W went out with a girl friend Friday to a bar (she told me this, I didn't ask), and hung out at home Saturday. She did get a bunch of boxes, and she says it's for packing stuff up and moving to storage at some point. She moved her bathroom stuff out of the master bath, so she can get ready in the morning and night without going through the MBR. I think this is good TBH.
Still, didn't discuss R, only talked about S. She's leaving to visit a friend Thursday, so I'll have S to myself (with help from our parents). I'll probably be thinking she's doing the worst while there, but I'm hoping I don't think about her too much (I feel I'm making progress in detaching TBH).
Anyway, got a charity golf tourney tomorrow, so that should be fun too.
Just hanging on, GAL, 180, detaching, and I'll see what happens. My gut tells me the destination is D, but there's no reason for me to give up at this point.
Good luck to you all, and thanks.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
the W has left for her friends tonight, the S is with grandparents, and I'm alone with my thoughts.
the last few days have been uneventful, W and I have coexisted and been friendly, W cooked dinner for everyone last few nights. however, a few days ago she says, "what do u think about meeting with a lawyer together, see where that leads."
I say, ok, sure. it's obvious W believes our M is over, and that just might be the case. we've been in house separated for a month now, but very friendly.
while I'm pretty sure W hasn't been actively having an A, I feel she's been looking tho. nothing I can do about it, but she goes out to a great singles bar once a weekend, and I'm sure she'll be looking to hookup if she can while on vacation.
I'm not giving up yet, but it looks bleak. she's spurned any sexual advances I've given too, so I'm hard up, which [censored].
I'm just going to keep on keeping on, see if anything shakes out.
thanks, and good luck everyone.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
I'm confident there has not been another OM since I exposed the last one. We've been separated, her doing her thing, me doing my thing.
I don't ask what she's doing or with who, however, she's still asks me what I did or with who. I always give vague answers, "Just went out with some people." She'll still occasionally ask "who's that?" when I receive a text message, and I'll typically not say anything. She doesn't get mad when I do this.
She took a flight to visit her friend last weekend. On saturday, I get a text from her "I got you some goodies", I said, "oh what am i getting?" she says, "a new wallet and cologne." (I had mentioned I need a new wallet, and I had asked her in the past if she likes when guys wear cologne, and I only have 1 bottle of some really old stuff."
I didn't know what to think. I was glad she was thinking of me, but, I didn't want to take it the wrong way. How should I feel about ti? I replied STTE, I really appreciate it, but I am confused why, considering our separation. She said, oh, just being nice.
Oh the way home form work yesterday (W got back yesterday), I stopped by and got plain-jane potted flowers, 11 dollar kroger special, but with a thank you note just to show her I appreciate she got me those gifts. When I gave them to her, her face lit up with a huge smile and she looked up at me, but it quickly went to a normal, happy face. I could tell she really liked that I had done it, but then didn't want to show it. She said, "thanks, you didn't have to." I said, "I know, but you didn't have to get wallet or cologne either."
Other things, a month ago W said, emphatically, "I'm not going to your family's thanksgiving, I want to be gone before then!" Well, I talked to my mom, and my mom said W was planning on coming to thanksgiving and was going to fix the deviled eggs (I was on the hook for those, thinking she wasn't coming). I don't want to read anything into this.
Last night, we were talking, and I mentioned how I was on the hook for the eggs, and she said, oh I'm making them. I said, I thought you weren't coming, she replied, well, i haven't made up my mind yet.
However, with all that said, before she left we had a talk about getting lawyers to go over our sitch. She had contacted a lawyer and is going to see her today. Originally, she wanted both of us to see her, but that's not legal, she even offered I see the lawyer since I asked good questions, but I couldn't do that either since she had already contacted the lawyer.
We had a big discussion about this, as we want to be amicable and have an uncontested divorce. We're being nice about the discussions right now, just want a fair split, and joint custody. She's going to tell me what they talked about today, and go fomr there.
I too spoke to a lawyer, fwiw, and have one when needed.
I had asked, when do you want all this stuff to be done, she says, "oh, no hurry, sometime next year if you want."
I'm honestly trying not to read anything into this, but it's hard. Maybe she's just being super nice so I don't get over worried about everything; that's a distinct possibility and I'm going to keep it in my mind.
For now, I'm going to keep doing the same, but, when she had that big smile on her face, it did feel good for just a second there.
Good luck to all, and thanks.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
You are doing great. Went back and read your previous thread to remind myself of your timeline and you just exposed her and OM dumped her around Oct 10th so 4 weeks of expected withdrawal and already your wife (and her supposed stubbornness) is calming down.
She's gone from a crying mess removing light switch covers in anticipation of moving out within days or weeks (after buying a house, no less) and NOT going to thanksgiving dinner to putting off the separation/divorce until next year whenever YOU want.
This women is just waiting to be lead. This women is just waiting to be cherished.
She's still withdrawing and probably leaning a bit towards sticking to her stubbornness for the next week or so after seeing a lawyer; but you're chipping away at her resolve.
Stick to the 180 plan I set out for you.
Also, her reaction to the flowers is classic wayward thinking. Initially she perked up and loved the feeling that somebody loved her and cherished her. Wayward wives live on admiration. Then she checked herself because she's still hesitant and resistant to thinking she loves or could love you again. The reason MWD says not to buy her gifts and shower her with ILY's is because it reminds them of the fact that they don't feel the same about you and it's a little wimpy looking to be chasing "desperately" after a girl that doesn't feel that way about you. On the other hand, women (especially wayward thinking women) love romance and to be chased and cherished. They WANT love and think love just happens like something you trip over without reason or explanation. Walking that line is difficult but I think you handled it well with the flowers. She reacted excited, then checked herself and tried to ascertain your level of expectations and feeling behind it. Indicating it was because she was thoughtful about you is perfect.
A possible suggestion - ask her to teach you how to make her special recipe deviled eggs since you prefer them so much to other ones you've had (maybe they remind you of home) and you want/need to know how to do her recipe yourself (go as far as to write it down - because it's that important to you). Maybe you'll need to make them and bring them to Thanksgiving next year? If not the eggs, maybe some other recipe of hers (especially through the holidays) that you'll want to take with you and be able to make - 'just in case'. Maybe you'll just need it for a certain kid that will only eat mom's recipe and it's be easier for the kids if you can TRY to cook as good as her (notice the admiration love tank deposit). It also demonstrates a respect and acceptance of her stubborn (current but evolving) wish to separate and divorce while also indicating you will miss her (and her cooking) and want a piece of her (her recipe and the tastes/smells that food represent) with you. Plus it's a good non-clingy non-desperate appearing way to get her in the same room with you, goofing around, having fun, connecting without being all serious while working on a project TOGETHER.
Another bonus thought - I think her getting you cologne might have a little significance. When a wayward woman decides to stop loving her husband and to love another man she often forms a distaste or aversion for her husband's smell/scent. Throw away that old cologne and only wear the new one. Get and use strong fragranced shower gel too (like AXE for men). Associate this new, more fun, appreciative, kind you with a new manly scent. Avoid hanging around in your funk as she may have an aversion to it. If you normally work around the house, sweat it up and just not shower or shave because it's saturday and you don't have to - don't do that anymore. Shower in the morning and sometimes a night too if you've been sweating at all and use the cologne but NEVER mention it like you are doing it for her. Do it for you and if she notices so be it.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I haven't posted in a while, mainly because little has changed. I'm still doing the detached thing, and GAL'ing, and she's still in the other bedroom. I'm 100% positive she isn't in another A, so that's still the same. She isn't mean to me, but she isn't extra nice either. She's pleasant around me, but not much more. There have been no more gifts from her, and same for me (if you recall, she bought me cologne and wallet, and I thanked her with some flowers).
She did ask me if I've looked at our finances, basically, I have to pull up numbers as far as how much money I had before we got married, equity in the house, etc. I said no, then she asked me about getting an appraiser, I told her she can do that part. nothing else was said. There was no pressure to get it down, like, "well, you need to get those numbers soon" she just asked me about it.
I'm not sure she still fits the WW mold. I think she's more in a WAW mode now, and she just doesn't feel she can love me again.
Is there any advice for what I should do, or is it just more patience? I often wonder if I should try to get her to go out to dinner one night, or anything to actively spend time with her. I'm just concerned if I continue down this current road, nothing will change.
Thanks all, and good luck to everyone.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
