Your exit post makes plenty of sense. You've definitely got some points I will consider. I think of my best friend who left Alcoholics Anonymous after 7 years. He said there wasn't much room for interpreting how to deal with your own problem. The encouraged route from others who were more experienced was always just to stick to pre-approved actions & ideas.
I like the idea of being the Anchor instead of the Lighthouse. That approach probably applies to some people here.
I hope your marriage works out. Best of luck to you.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Best of luck 2Lady, I wish you well and you have spoken an awful lot of sense.
A lot of what you say has been at the back of my mind too. I am going very much with my instinct as it was that that told me things weren't right for the last couple of years.
a marriage is a partnership and we went into it to help one another.
So where your logic fails me is when one part of the partnership stops being a partner and instead is trying to destroy the partnership. And you can not control this partner only you can control yourself. This is where DB steps in. It likely is similar to AA and the idea is the LBS has been a codependent enabler just like in AA. The point is to learn how to stop this codependent behavior, IMHO.
Good luck 2lady, hope you find what you are looking for.
I have followed your sitch from post one .... as DB as this sounds I am sorry to hear that you feel this way but I am not really that surprised. In your situation you have a massive cake eater and you have armed yourself with a shovel thinking he will get fat and tired of it which is why you do not have a monster on your hands trying to escape. By 'helping and being there for him' you are actually just enabling him and in return you are not happy, you are not GALing or trying to grow so essentially you both will sadly be stuck for some time.
"it's a cop out to also say there is nothing we can do to help our spouses and we can only help ourselves."
Actually you are the one that came up with that conclusion. Neither the book or anyone here have told you that you can't help your spouse. The fact is that in pretty much all of the instances, the spouse doesn't want the LBS's help at all. And when you do try to help, it pushes them away. That's pretty much in all of the situations.
And DB is definitely not a marketing bait and switch. At it's core, its just doing what you did when you and your spouse first met. You didn't push, you didn't pry, you lived your life and was happy whether that person was in your life or not.
You say that you are not concerned about your M but are worried about how your H is going to handle having two wives. The bottom line is that you can be there for him and give him all the support you can, but it's up to him to decide on what to do. And you will be surprised at how much your H may not be telling you. I can guarantee you that everyone on here before the bomb drop would have told you that they knew their spouse very well and that they would NEVER have done the things that they did.
I get it that you're looking for understanding, which is great. But all of that understanding doesn't mean that you're going to be able to anticipate everything. It does sound like you're a fixer and on the controlling side. Which I don't mean in a bad way. But there are times when you sound like a parent to your H and I don't know how it would be if he actually started to take charge of things and not rely on your emotional strength. I don't know if you'd feel the same way if he started investing more attention to his new wife and started listening to her more than you. Just a thought. Good luck to you whatever you decide.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have followed your sitch from post one .... as DB as this sounds I am sorry to hear that you feel this way but I am not really that surprised. In your situation you have a massive cake eater and you have armed yourself with a shovel thinking he will get fat and tired of it which is why you do not have a monster on your hands trying to escape. By 'helping and being there for him' you are actually just enabling him and in return you are not happy, you are not GALing or trying to grow so essentially you both will sadly be stuck for some time.
I do wish you well on your journey
I came back just to see the responses here and as I expected my last post was deleted. But I could not stay quiet and have to defend my husband against this slander. I have not shared the core reason my husband got married with the forum but I can assure you that there was something we could not solve any other way under the laws of the country we live in other than for him to marry. Where you live, the laws are different. You have different options available. If you and your wife faced the same problem we did, you would not have to marry another woman, nor even have a relationship with another woman, nor even meet another woman, to solve the same problem. You'd be able to solve the problem as husband and wife alone. So instead of this being a case of "cake-eating," it's a man who is forced to take on extra responsibility for the rest of his life in order to solve a problem that the both of us faced. If I am enabling him, it is because he is doing this for US, believe it or not. He could have left me behind and solved the problem for himself without me, but he didn't. He did not want to abandon me. We have an excellent relationship with one another. Maybe you would consider it a big sweet and tasty cake to have two women, but that's because you aren't considering the implications of being a good husband to two. My husband is a good man at heart, trying to handle the circumstances God has given him and a situation that he simply has not thought through very well yet, but with time he will figure things out. I'm not sitting around waiting for things to change. I don't need to GAL as I already have one. I know that goes against DB theory because we are supposed to all be losers who don't have a life and that is why we are here, but we are all different and that is not necessarily true. I will love him and be happy with him whatever he chooses because the foundation of our relationship is solid. I will find a way to make the best out of the situation, for both our sakes, because we are good for eachother and want to be together. Simple as that.
DBing is not just to help save a marriage, but it's also a tool that anyone can use at any time. I use the tools in my life every day. In fact, there are many people out there that are DBing and aren't even members here. They learned many of the techniques in management classes, etc. In fact, that's where I learned some of the techniques that are recommended here, i.e., management classes.
However, I do want to know where you got the idea that we are supposed to be a bunch of losers? No one has said that about anyone here. I give a lot of credit to those who post here because it takes courage to come here and seek help, to admit if they have traits that need some work or the fact that they are willing to stand for their marriages. To me, no one is a loser unless they choose to make themselves one.
If what you are doing in your relationship w/your h is working, then continue to do it. We always say do what works and if something is not working, then stop it and try something else. Each and every person has free well and can make choices that suit their situation. If they ask questions, we try to assist them. If they don't like the advice, then toss it out. If they wish to seek assistance elsewhere, I say go for it. The more knowledge you have the better it is.
I'm sorry that we haven't been able to provide the solutions that you were looking for. I wish we could and if you decide to continue posting, we'll continue to make suggestions and what you do w/those suggestions is up to you. But know this, we do care about you and each and every poster that comes here.
I hope that you will decide to stick around. I have found some of your advice thought provoking and it's good to have someone new bringing something new to the table.
If you opt to leave, then I wish you well on your journey.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have followed your sitch from post one .... as DB as this sounds I am sorry to hear that you feel this way but I am not really that surprised. In your situation you have a massive cake eater and you have armed yourself with a shovel thinking he will get fat and tired of it which is why you do not have a monster on your hands trying to escape. By 'helping and being there for him' you are actually just enabling him and in return you are not happy, you are not GALing or trying to grow so essentially you both will sadly be stuck for some time.
I do wish you well on your journey
I came back just to see the responses here and as I expected my last post was deleted. But I could not stay quiet and have to defend my husband against this slander. I have not shared the core reason my husband got married with the forum but I can assure you that there was something we could not solve any other way under the laws of the country we live in other than for him to marry. Where you live, the laws are different. You have different options available. If you and your wife faced the same problem we did, you would not have to marry another woman, nor even have a relationship with another woman, nor even meet another woman, to solve the same problem. You'd be able to solve the problem as husband and wife alone. So instead of this being a case of "cake-eating," it's a man who is forced to take on extra responsibility for the rest of his life in order to solve a problem that the both of us faced. If I am enabling him, it is because he is doing this for US, believe it or not. He could have left me behind and solved the problem for himself without me, but he didn't. He did not want to abandon me. We have an excellent relationship with one another. Maybe you would consider it a big sweet and tasty cake to have two women, but that's because you aren't considering the implications of being a good husband to two. My husband is a good man at heart, trying to handle the circumstances God has given him and a situation that he simply has not thought through very well yet, but with time he will figure things out. I'm not sitting around waiting for things to change. I don't need to GAL as I already have one. I know that goes against DB theory because we are supposed to all be losers who don't have a life and that is why we are here, but we are all different and that is not necessarily true. I will love him and be happy with him whatever he chooses because the foundation of our relationship is solid. I will find a way to make the best out of the situation, for both our sakes, because we are good for eachother and want to be together. Simple as that.
I'm guessing you can't have children and live in a country that doesn't allow adoption, so your husband has to take another wife in order to have kids.
When you withhold key info, it's unfair to get angry with people for misunderstanding the situation.
You are also painting DB inaccurately. Have you ever actually read the book? Pretty ironic for someone accusing others of slander.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
If I offended my apologies as you had admitted in the past you do withhold a good deal of info so based on what you do share is the only way anyone here could possibly give you advice, sometimes there are little nuggets dropped along the way that changes the entire approach.
As far as the 'Loser' comment ..... I would not have put it that way, I think what happens is people find themselves in a very bad situation that seems to have come from nowhere, like they were in a boat and all the sudden they find themselves in treacherous waters and are desperate to save their family/spouse but what needs to happen is they must save themselves first. I do think many (myself included) are/were co-dependent but I never felt that way with you/your sitch I almost just feel like possibly you are in a situation where D is not an option but the 2nd was and you are not at all happy with that angle that you have to share any intimacy with another woman which is what makes your sitch so unique here as for many the A/OM is a serious issue but in your arena its accepted.
I will echo job and say I think you bring a new perspective that could be learned from and I do hope you stay if this place does help you, but you seem to not agree with the principles many of us have adopted and I can only speak for myself and say once I totally bought in I was a better person for it.
