I've been reading over the forums, and this looks like a really good place to get help with my marriage. Long post below. Short story, wife wants separate, leading to D, isn't willing to work to save marriage with a 2 year old son. Long story below.
We've been married 11 years, have 1 son now 2 1/2 years old. We're both 40. I have a great job, and she's a stay at home mom.
2 weeks ago, my wife tells me she loves me but is not in love with me and she's very unhappy. I'm surprised, but maybe I shouldn't have been. She says she doesn't see how our marriage will ever work and she doesn't see any way she'll ever be able to fall back in love with me. I ask about MC, and she says it won't help, but maybe she'll go. I'll get to the WW/EA issues later.
Looking back on it, I guess I should've seen the signs and I should have tried to fix our marriage, but I was just blind I suppose.
The 2 biggest reasons were we didn't spend much time together. This is mostly true; after coming home from work, I play with my son, we eat dinner as a family, watch some cartoons, give him bath and put him to bed. Afterwards, occasionally my wife and I would watch a TV program or 2, then I'd go in the basement to my office and play games and she'd go to bed and watch more TV. However, we mostly stopped even watching program together, she'd always say she was tired or something.
2nd problem was no intimacy. While we would hug, and occasionally cuddle (almost all prompted by me), we didn't have sex since our son was born. The main reason I was/am addicted to porn. Awful, and I started researching the issues and solutions immediately and I've not looked or masturbated since. I wish I would've fixed it long ago and maybe none of this would've happened, but, it's definitely on me.
2 days later we talk again, and I'm had a chance to think about a lot of thing and I tell her my issues with porn (she was largely in the dark) and how I should've seen signs for this and done something. I told her I want to become a better husband to her and I'll work on it.
She says, there won't be a you and I, and she's still sure our marriage will be over. She isn't willing to fight for it. We go over all the difficulties she will have, getting a place to live, getting a job. But the biggest thing is the damage it will do to our son, and I tell her our son should be worth fighting for our marriage.
I talk to a MC, W agrees to go. At the MC we go over the same things, W still believes M is over, I discuss porn problems, she doesn't realize how long I had been doing it and that got her even more upset. Nothing real good came out of that 1st session.
2 days later, while talking about this, she gets very angry, says she didn't realize how long I'd been doing the porn, an that made her eve madder. She says she feels unattractive (she's not, she's very beautiful fwiw), and she's not going to any more MC sessions, she's telling her family the M is over as well (she did that yesterday).
The thing left out is there is definitely an EA, and there was probably a PA. She went to the beach with her girlfriends 2 days before she dropped the bomb. While there, she told me and old friend of her's (guy) was there same time, she was going to have lunch with him. I said no problem (there has never been any A issues between us in the past). Of course, she comes back, and then tells me marriage is over.
Being suspicious, I check her facebook, and she's been messaging this guy. I can also tell she's been deleting messages in the convo. A few days later I check it, and she's telling him how mad she is at me, and the guy had sent her a pic of him in his underwear. I check it later, and all that convo is gone.
This guy lives far away (days driving), is married, has 4 kids, and I've never met him (they were friends before we met). She probably had a PA while on vacation, and she's having an EA ongoing.
I haven't told her I know, I wasn't sure what the right thing to do is.
I need help. I want to save our marriage. I'm 100% working on making me a better husband/person, and I know I played a large role in us getting here. I'm great with our son, I provide well, we hardly fight, we got along great. She does have some anxiety issues (not the best life growing up), but I understand them and can spot when those things flair and I work with her.
I told her I'm going to fight for our marriage, and I won't give up until the D papers have been signed. While I have hope, I'll be honest, I don't have much. She's a very stubborn person, and once she decides something, that's it.
I did see the MC alone yesterday, and she is going to see him alone too (we had made the appt at the last MC, so she's obligated t go). She did ask me how the MC went, and I said really good (but that's not really true, it was just OK).
I appreciate any help I can get. I'm not quitting; I love her too much, and I want my family to stay together.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
First of all, I have to say, your username is awesome.
I'm sorry you're here. In my opinion, one of the very first things you should do is make sure you have control of all of your financial stuff; that includes bank accounts and credit cards and the like. Do that now so you can make sure you're financially secure.
Secondly, stop telling her you'll fight for the M.. She is going to draw out a D because she wants to keep you as a back up. You'll need to show her your happy on your own right, not tell her but show her, and ready to move on without her. Right now just keep the knowledge of the A to yourself, it isn't going to do any good to let her know you know unless your seriously ready to enforce some boundary because your not willing to be in an open R.
If she says again that M is over, just say I'm sorry you feel that way, but you should do what is best for you, I won't stand in your way.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks for the replies, and, doodler, this better not be a porn flick, or I've relapsed in my recovery!
I was wondering if I should tell her I knew about the EA. I was thinking about doing it tonight, but I guess I won't, not yet at least.
I've read a lot of stuff in here, so I've started trying to go down that path. I only broke down once and really cried in front of her, but I haven't done any begging or pleading.
I really want her to at least try and save our marriage, that's the thing that really bothers me. 11 years married, a son we both love dearly, and, she's not willing to try and save it. I don't know what she thinks will happen with this A, since he's so far away, and her family is here, but it definitely has me worried and hurts whenever I think about it.
She's a really nice and sweet person, always has been, and has tried to be nice to me through this, knowing how it hurts me. I know, sometime people change 180 when going through an A, and that might be her case, but I hope not.
You mentioned securing my financials; she doesn't have a job, but she does have her own CC in her name (although all money comes out of our bank account that my job deposits into). I'm not sure the right step there as I can't really cut her off completely.
It's really REALLY hard to work right now, hard to do anything, and I have to go home and act cool. I'll try, but I think I'll tell her how upset it makes me she isn't even willing to fight for our marriage any more.
Thanks.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
Secondly, stop telling her you'll fight for the M.. She is going to draw out a D because she wants to keep you as a back up.
I'm not 100% sure she wants to draw out the D. I think she wants it soon actually. We haven't really talked specific about that part yet, but it seems she wants it sooner rather than later.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
Nutts, Coconut and doodler; I hope this isn't a porn flick.
LOL. Love all your names too, but come on now, no more dirty names, it's time to get serious here! :-)
Nutts,
Sorry you are here and thanks for sharing. So I actually see a lot of hope in your sitch. Why? Well I am not exactly sure, but in my own shenanigans I have learned that there is much to be said about intuition. You seem level headed, willing to look at yourself and make changes, and you appear that you will be patient and not too reactive.
I would encourage you to read all the homework links, read/post here daily, keep in mind that this process can take a LONG time, less is more--say less, do less, wait before responding to her, and take our advice! We all have been there or are there right now and we only want the best for our fellow LBS!
This is going to be nutts, but you will get to the other side and be a better man!
Welcome.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I ordered the DR book (I actually ordered both of them, not realizing DR was really an updated DB until too late). I'll keep it hidden too.
And blu, thanks for the kind words, I am trying my best to follow the advice from here (and DR when i get it), and I'm starting with bettering myself. I've already lost weight (mostly from being sad and not hungry), and, while I worked out previously, I wasn't too serious about it. I'm going to try and get out more, and do things myself; I've got to do something to get her off my mind, for sure.
Again, thanks for the help everyone, it's very helpful. I'll continue to post updates as we move along. i understand this might be a long process, but our marriage is worth it to me.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
