I was thinking that more than the sadness of losing my significant other - at this point I am mourning the loss of an idealized childhood that I wanted for my kids that is just gone now. Dad will not be there all of the time and mom will struggle and there will be step parents along the line to confuse everything even further. What makes it even more gut wrenching for me is how cheerful and loving they still are around me (bless their heart), despite all of these changes happening all around us.
Don't give up, don't put those sad images in your mind, the best of your relationship is still to come. You will reconcile and your relationship will be stronger than ever. Keep smiling my friend, your response to the situation and more importantly your thoughts are directly influencing the outcome. Your thoughts are real, your wife and your kids can feel them. Change your thoughts and your life will change. What is the most positive and plausible outcome that you can think of?
Last edited by Cadet; 09/13/1606:11 AM. Reason: fix quote
What is the most positive and plausible outcome that you can think of?
So the best possible outcome would be that she somehow changes her mind at this late stage in the game. Somehow, even after she has moved with the kids out of the house, split our bank accounts and finances, started taken out regular child support and maintenance from my paychecks, told all of her friends and family what a horrible person I am and how she has to leave me - even after all of this, she somehow decides that she may have made a mistake and wants to reconcile.
This really seems highly improbable, it seems like something that would happen in a movie. If it does happen, I'd be really surprised but also skeptical and also relieved and grateful. We'd have to sit down and have a serious talk and we'd also have a long road of reconciliation to deal with. But yeah I'd deal with that if it happens.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
As you said, this is highly improbable right now, maybe it will happen in the future in a few years. What if she just becomes your friend after the divorce is finalized, you start doing things together like taking the children to the park or eating all together occasionally? And she allows the children to call/skype with you whenever they want? Do you think that this goal is much more plausible and obtainable? If the answer is yes, I would definitely focus on that for now. Little by little....
Your posting to qt is a very good one. qt, your relationship w/your wife began as a friendship that blossomed into love and marriage. When things settle down and she feels comfortable in actually warming up again towards you, maybe the two of you can become friends again and go from there. Now, this may not happen today, tomorrow or next week...but it is something to think about.
Right now, both of you are looking to co-parent w/the children and to me, that can lead to leaving the door ajar for friendship down the road.
It's one step at a time, one day at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I moved back to my old house yesterday, which ends my 4 month chapter of sleeping on my relatives couch. The place is totally empty, my wife and kids have moved out. I’ve moved in temporarily, we’ve listed the place for sale and plan to split the equity. I haven’t seen my kids in more than a week, since things got messed up last week due to their moving schedules and their new school schedules. My brother helped me move back in, and he stayed for a while and gave me the old ‘it’ll get better bro, give it time’. That’s all he can do for me, other than just be there. God bless him.
But now I’m alone again in this house we used to live in. The place is now cleaned out, and ready to be listed for sale. The place feels haunted, after four months away I feel like I’m visiting another lifetime. This may be the saddest I’ve ever felt in my life - to think, a family once lived here, but now they’re broken, and the house is for sale. And it was my fault. I’m struggling to live with that guilt. We live in a hi rise condo - every time I hear people walking outside in the hallway, I think it’s my wife and kids about to come home. It’s like I’m living in a bad dream I can’t wake up from. Doctor says I can’t exercise yet. I’ve been spending most of my time working on this latest iPhone app, because it takes my mind off my troubles. I called a friend, he tried to cheer me up. It didn’t work, but I thanked him and told him I’d call him later.
We had our first mediation session today. That was just another fun experience. I dreaded it for a week, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought - about comparable to getting a root canal. A lady I didn’t know sat there and took notes and basically forced us to agree on which holidays the kids get to spend with which parent, how to divide up time over Christmas break, summer break etc. This is our future now. I sat there and cried and my wife also cried. Afterwards, we walked together for a while and had a fairly long and fairly friendly (!) conversation about the temporary childcare schedule during this interim period while we’re going through mediation. I told her ‘I don’t want to be one of those dads who only sees their kids two weekends a month. I want them to spend half their lives with me.’ I was surprised at how friendly and cooperative we were acted towards each other.
It was all I could do to keep up a casual friendly attitude and not beg her to ‘give us another chance’. If I was still doing the ‘180’ I would have thought that I had ‘made some progress’ in melting some of the ice. But too much has happened, I don’t have hope at this point of reconciliation. I walked home amid all the people on Michigan Ave. and tried to distract my nervous brain from worrying over what is going to become of me now that everything’s changed.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Do you think that this goal is much more plausible and obtainable?
I don't know is it? Half of the married population gets divorced, out of those millions of divorced people (tens or hundreds of millions?) - how many actually reconcile with their ex spouse? Less than a percent probably. Those are close to the odds of winning the lottery. I know you are just trying to cheer me up, and thanks cld - you have always been there for me on ths board. But probably a more realistic plan for me is just to try to get better and be a decent fellow and take care of my kids, and whatever happens happens - but to live my life waiting to win the lottery essentially. I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough for that.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I am sorry to hear the emotional pain that you are in. The future is up to you and what becomes of you is whatever you choose it to be.
Swing by BluWaves thread. I believe you could benefit from the conversation we are having as it relates to emotions and feelings. There is much that with knowledge that one can do to control the emotional duress....
I can honestly say I know the pain you feel based on my own firsthand experiences. I can also honestly say that with time it can get better..... But that will be up to you and how much work you decide to put into it. If I can do it brother..... Then I know you can as well.....
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I look at it this way. The divorce is not the problem, the marriage was!! Why? Because the marriage is a legal, financial and religious contract meant to trap a spouse which has nothing to do with love!!! The divorce is the solution to this problem! Now you are free to love each other without feeling trapped! Now the only thing that can and will hold you together is your love and your kids, and yes, believe me, she still loves you! She probably will love you after the divorce more than she is loving you now! So why give up? She doesn't have another man! You and I are lucky! Most men here have to deal with cheating wifes and OM problems, we don't! If you look at it that way, things will get better and you will be thankful to your wife for getting divorced! Don't look for another girl, that will only create a lot of problems! Your wife is an attractive and intelligent woman who cares about you and the kids. She will become very friendly after the divorce, believe me! Hugs
Now you are free to love each other without feeling trapped!
Perhaps. But I think the idea of the divorce for her - was that she would be free to love other people without feeling trapped.
Quote:
Now the only thing that can and will hold you together is your love and your kids, and yes, believe me, she still loves you! She probably will love you after the divorce more than she is loving you now!
How can you say this with such certainty?
I've also looked into 'MGTOW'. A lot of what it says about divorce for men seems absolutely true to me. I never would have given that type of philosophy much thought before I went through D - but it all makes sense now.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
