Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #4]

[Cessna]

Awesome ct1118!!!!

[ForGump]

Big development tonight.

I'd been talking to FIL about my MLC-BPD-WW about my situation. He slipped in her presence, and W confronted me. At first I lied but felt terrible. I made an emergency call to my IC, and she encouraged me to come clean but stop beating myself up. So I fessed up. W is extremely angry. I feel like we've turned a corner and are now headed straight and clearly for a divorce. I feel a weight has been lifted.

I am still very sad for my kids.

[albac]

Sorry I haven't been around much Gump,

I've been trying to clear my head of all this. Try not to think about it much. I have realized in the light of basically what was my entire life falling part around me that things that seem big and significant with time will be not so important. I know easier said then done but we are in the same boat my friend.

In my W's mind we are divorced without doing the paperwork. She is in a relationship with another man. It hurts. You will feel enormous pain for yourself and your children. But we can NOT change it. No matter what we do.

So as hard as it is and believe me I know. Try to keep yourself healthy. Mind-body-spirit. It's all we have!

[JRuss]

I think I went around the same corner this weekend, ForGump, albeit under different circumstances.

I know DB doctrine says no talks with relatives, but what was your sin, really -- caring and talking with someone who also cares deeply about her? She's going to twist it around because she has to keep making you out to be the problem and the reason for all of her unhappiness, but it's bull$Hit, man. Try not to let it impact how you feel about yourself. You're a good man trying very hard to stand for your kids and your marriage under essentially impossible conditions. That is good and noble. If it wasn't this, it would have been something else. Keep your head up.

[ForGump]

Albac/JR-- thanks for your words of encouragement. It helps.

I'm going to try to work w/ my W on the DIY divorce papers. I no longer have the will to stay in our current situation, in in-house separation.

I don't know what to call it, but I need to separate and get to a healthier place for me.

I am still sad for my kids, but I believe the environment in our house is getting darker as time passes, and I have to choose the better of two bad choices.

[CT1118]

ForGump - very sorry to read about this. I would suggest, via your own words, if going to S will get you to a healthier place, how could that be one of two bad choices?

Key word is choice - sound like you are facing having to make the one that is right for you, but your write sometimes like you have no choice.

I wish you piece tonight my friend.

[CT1118]

sorry, should say I wish you peace. Man...auto spell checks really try don't they.

[PsySara]

Remember, you cannot control your W's response, you can only control your reaction to her. So you slipped up and broke a DBing rule. Frankly it shouldn't be the end of the line for you. Keep doing the process and make yourself strong and confident. When she rages just stay cool and detached, validate but don't agree.

Wait a week and stay away from W as much as possible. Give yourself time and headspace. Go do some serious GALing and revisit your feelings and thoughts after 7 days.

[ForGump]

CT-- it's a good choice for me I suppose, but a bad choice (direction) for my kids.

PsySara-- thanks for your thoughts & reminders. I'm guessing you're a psychiatrist, and are familiar w/ BPD. I think if my W did not have something as serious as BPD, I may not have done what I'd done. I just felt w/ BPD ... it just did not seem like anything would get better unless BPD was addressed. I'd appreciate your thoughts on this.

I'm going to look for a BPD specific forum.

[ForGump]

Journaling:

A handful of email exchanged w/ W about R, she spewing, me pointing out her delusions.

At 4:30 I get a message, "Any ideas for dinner?" I make friendly suggestions for what I can cook, and she picks one.

I p/u groceries, p/u son @ soccer, make dinner, then clean up. W watches videos on laptop.

Is it DB? Dunno. Does it matter? Not really, at this point. All a storm in a teacup. All is just little picture. D will happen and W will see the big picture, then... who knows.