I really feel like I should be more upset about the situation right now but I feel free and at peace. I'm now starting to think that this relationship was super messed up and I never admitted it to myself. Can anybody help me out with these feelings? Is this normal am I going to end up in a fetal position in a month or two is this part of the grieving process I'm just not sure what to think right now since I'm really not that upset and I feel like just hanging out with my well behaved kids and enjoying my nice clean house is something I haven't had the chance to do much of since she's been so angry for so long.
"I'm now starting to think that this relationship was super messed up and I never admitted it to myself."
That's perfectly natural. From the amount of negativity coming from the WAS, it's easy to doubt that what you thought was great was really bad. Don't believe it. We all have the same doubts going through this. Don't forget what your WAS has.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yesterday was our therapy session with the kids to talk about the change. At 2 and 3 yrs old, it kind of went over their heads for the most part. That only took a few minutes and then the therapist kind of probed into the relationship a little bit and suggested (at my request) co-parenting sessions on occasion. W agreed at that time but said she did NOT want to talk about the relationship. She was her now usual nasty self, being sarcastic, telling half truths during the session, etc.
Later in the evening, she told me that she changed her mind and didn't want to see that therapist because she felt like she was "too clinical" and didn't "honor her truth". This is jargon the W gets from her therapist, who is a total hippy dippy and anti-diagnosis and anti-medication. I feel like the W seeing this therapist make her more angry and self-centered in this whole thing. Of course, nothing I can do about that. She simply refuses to see another therapist than the one she is with now. I finally texted her in the evening and said she needed to be more civil with me...at least in front of the kids and that it isn't fair to them if one of us can't spend a holiday or bday with them just because we can't get along.
During therapy I was asked why I thought the kids being with me more was a good idea and I stupidly spouted off about how I think W is emotionally unstable and not thinking clearly at this time. Whoops. OH WELL.
Kids spent their first night at mommys house and it was very hard for me to hand them over and go home to an empty house. It is a nice break for a couple days but I still hate the fact that they are not sleeping in their beds and I miss them a lot.
I also paid the attorney yesterday and will be getting the separation agreement drafted shortly. After getting through the courts we are looking at about a month until it is finalized.
That is where I am at right now. Lots of mixed feelings - anger, sadness, hopelessness but happiness (that I don't have to deal with her immature emotional attitude throughout the day), worry that my kids will want to be with her more as they get older (probably unlikely but a HUGE FEAR of mine), uncertainty about the future. You see, being transgender, it is difficult to find a woman that shares my values that is also OK with being with a transman. I have fairly traditional values in some aspects - I am a die hard libertarian - I love my guns, prepping, homesteading, outdoor stuff, etc. Seems like a lot of the women out there that would consider me as a partner are more city girls with more progressive values like the W and don't have any interest in those things. Again, I am just worrying about the future for which I have know advance knowledge of. I don't HAVE to be with someone, but I like the idea of sharing a life with someone else. I thought that is what I had with W - but apparently not.
Anyway - just blabbering, journaling. I hope that in the future I can come back to all that I have written and get some perspective on things.
Picked up the kids this morning to go to soccer. They were so happy to see me! I was worried about that but all was well. Apparently W brought over the OM to meet them. That really boils my blood. Not even more than a week goes by and she's already introducing my children to this loser guy.
Well, the info for the attorney has been submitted. Now she will draft the agreement, W and I will sign, and then wait for the court to stamp it. Not much else to report at this time.
I guess I should add that she was insulting to me this morning when I texted to double check on the Wednesday pick up schedule. Told me that once again I wasn't paying attention. She also felt that when I mentioned I knew she introduced the OM to the kids it was insulting to her...
This is the second week that we are doing the new schedule with the kids. It is a nice break as I said before, but so hard for them to be away at night. Today I am getting started on building a goat pen for these jacka$$ goats and for the dairy girls that are coming in a couple months.
I have a ton of projects to work on and my ADD makes it overwhelming to think about...plus I get distracted.
She picked up the kids late last night on account of having to work overtime. Also, she didn't call once whent hey were away...she had been doing that before.
So new update. I'm still doing very well for myself in terms of emotional stability. Still not missing her.
Saturday morning I picked up the kids and they were like zombies. Especially my little girl. W said she thought maybe Madison was getting sick. I took them to soccer and then we went straight home where both kids took a 4 hour nap. My son doesn't even take naps anymore and he was out like a light. Prior to the nap I attempted to feed them lunch, but they were both so tired they were falling apart having meltdowns over nothing. I kept it chill for the rest of the day and they still both zonked out at bedtime. Yesterday morning they were happy as could be, no indication of illness, etc. My son told me that the OM had spent the night. This still makes me so angry I can't even begin to explain it. My guess is that W kept them up very late. She also didn't bathe them and I know she was out in Fernley on Friday (1 hr away) hanging out with this lesbian white trash chick that I suspected her of fooling around with a few months ago. I am angered by the company that my W is keeping around my kids. The OM is pretty White trash as well.
Then last night I get a message on facebook from a transguy acquaintance whom I have never met, just know on facebook because he is local and has kids too. Well, turns out he and my W were texting about 8 months ago after she answered his craigslist ad for NSA casual encounters. W had no idea that I knew him and she had told him we were in an open relationship at the time (which we were not) and that she wanted a friend to play with, so he didn't think anything of it. But he says nothing happened as he decided he didn't want to cheat on his wife. He apologized profusely - I told him no worries on his end, but thanks for letting me know.
At this time, I am asking the lawyer to make changes that instead of a separation, we go straight to divorce. I feel like this woman is broken and there is no way I am going to have any effect in fixing her. She doesn't realize that she is broken, nor does she want to.
I know that this is not the philosophy of this forum - but I need to do what is right for my kids and my own well-being. This pattern of behavior of hers will not change until she decides to change it and I can't sit around and wait while she has a little adventure, doesn't figure herself out, and then tries to come back and do the same thing.
I am not giving up - I am giving in. I am giving in to the self-destructive whirlwind she has created. I am letting go and moving on. I have to.
I will be back to update as I am using this as a journal that I can return to at times when I am down or angry.
