My addiction, my mistakes, my life, learning grace

[trumpet]

I'm here! From the newcomers for the last 9 months or so.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2698866&page=1

Long time lurker here, first time poster... tee hee hee!

D was final in May. EX-WW's 'just a friend' turned into a boyfried after the first week of being divorced... that happens a lot it seems. Weekends without the kids seem to be spent in Chicago with OM or here in Madison... (yes, he's chained to kids and job in Chicago, she's in Madison, it won't ever work out, but that's what love does to you, right?)

I've continued working on forgiving her for her actions. I haven't told her that, but did let her know when OM is over, and I have the kids, to let me know, since we only live 2 blocks away, and she hasn't told the kids about him yet. I can't imagine them walking in on her and him...
She's recovering from Grave's disease, and I believe is having a MLC. The EA turned PA was to help cover the hurt from trauma when she was younger.

I was held to a perfection standard as a husband by her. When I let her down (every day, if perfection is the standard), I was disrespected and told that affection would be withheld. We were in a sex-starved marriage almost from the first month of marriage. She had an extreme low level of self-esteem, was bulimic, took SSRI's for depression, was overweight, had issues with her body, including hips/knees/pain, and was told by doctors she had a body of a 60 year old at 35. Addictions in alcohol took both her grandparents. She's had issues with using pain killers as well.

Ok, so where does that put me? On the road to healing and understanding my role in the demise of my M. I contributed. I became addicted to pornography during the M, as sex once a year or less put huge amounts of shame and anger into me. Angry that I wasn't good enough, angry at my EX-WW to withhold love and respect. Angry that I would go to porn to ease the pain, which made more shame.

As of Thursday, I'll be 300 days clean and sober. I NEVER want to go back to porn. Am I still craving sex? To look at the female form? Yes, I believe God put that desire within me. It's healthy. How I respond to that craving is how I worship God. Do I degrade myself and give in, or do I live a new life, knowing that I now respect myself more than I have in my entire life, and realizing it's a cheeseless tunnel of false gratification. I have found new hobbies - no more TV - I read. No more porn - I exercise. I'm trying to eat healthy - cut out soda, alcohol for the most part, fatty snacks. I do eat cheese, though - dude, I live in WI, it's almost a law around here.

I'm pretty open about the porn addiction on this board. I'm more careful around aquantances, but my inner circle of friends know the story. You have questions? Ask away.

In the midst of the D, I got a promotion from sales to management. I really like it. I've turned the dept. around, as we're selling more than we have in the past. I have the respect of the salespeople, and look forward to making the dept. even better in the future.

Keep rocking work. Lose another 30 lbs. Do 2 5K runs by the end of the year. Jump out of a plane. Stay debt-free except for the condo mortgage. Learn guitar. Those are my goals.

I have goals to continue to heal. To continue to make myself into a really good whole person, so that I'm ready to take the step into a relationship in the future. I know I'm not completely healed, and I did try to force the issue - I just know it was my hurting heart wanted companionship and a lean-to when I'm down. If I can stand on my own two feet all the time, I'll be ready to contribute to the next relationship, at the speed that God wants. I have to realize it won't happen if I force it, or wish for it to happen. When the time is right, someone will come into my life. For now, I need to embrace my singleness, enjoy what's ahead of me, take care of my 3 kids, and heal the heart. It will love another someday. And if it doesn't, that's ok, too.

Thanks for posting. I will post. Keep DB'ing, keep focused on what is the top priorities, and everything in moderation, including moderation.

Thanks.

[Underdog]

Trumpet,

Well, congratulations for having your own thread! It's good to see where you started and where you are now.

LOL, I have you beat from the time D was filed to D day... 91 days, which is the minimum allowed by my state. But, to be fair, we had already been separated for 2 years when that happened.

I don't need (or want) to go down the pornography route with you. I think it was a byproduct of being denied spousal intimacy and I can understand it. The addiction part, as you well know, is a slippery slope.

I personally think we all have addictions of sorts. Some of them are emotional and not physical. We're all just works in progress. You're awfully young and have a promising life ahead of you. Look at how far you've come!

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the honesty.

Betsey

[Rick1963]

What is wrong with liking sex? Sex addiction as you define yourself is very dufferent. Watching a lil porn is ok. Waki g to porn and not being able to function cause of porn everyday are different issues. Was that the issue?

[mustardseed]

Your list of goals is inspiring. It has been a while since I have sat down and reassessed my goals. Maybe close to a year. Thank you for reminding me that it is time to revisit and revise based on my new reality.

[trumpet]

Goals keep our feet to the fire. I don't want to disappoint myself!

Rick, I was addicted. Just like someone who likes alcohol too much. I can never go back. Just the way it is. The ex used my porn addiction as her biblical reasons to divorce me and start her affair. The affair started months before the bomb drop forced me to stop cold turkey. She knew the porn was in my life from the first few months of marriage, but used that excuse to start the affair and end the marriage. She's still hiding her OM from the kids and other people. Some know. I've blocked her entire family from facebook, so I have no clue what she posts anymore. Don't need to know. I have my own life now. I actually sat next to her today at our 2nd grader's pre-school conference. Felt nothing for her. When I think about her, and the addictions she has, I feel sad for her.

I keep moving in my new charted path. Time to go running! Take care folks. Hug your kids. Enjoy the sunset.

[Rick1963]

I'm not sure if you knoW that "sex addiction" is a hot topic among providers. Many say it doesn't exist. That,addiction is something you must ingest or alter your mood. I am not questioning your beliefs or challenging you as to what is healthy. If it keeps you feeling healthy and happy I will support 100%.

I just have issues when we label ourself or others with a diagnosis.

You are in a good path my friend.

[Rick1963]

And no. Sex addiction is not like alcoholism. Very different.

[trumpet]

Rick,

My path is set. I'm an addict. It's easier to acknowledge that, and to work at abstaining. I will always be an addict. I have a problem. I've worked the 12 steps just like AA and overeaters anonymous. SA support groups meet up with AA groups all the time. I'd have to disagree with you and say they're both addictions that need similar treatment. One will kill your liver, though, and the other will destroy any relationships you have. You get to pick what you want to destroy!

[Rick1963]

I agree they both destroy. Keep on your path my friend.