Still Here

[trumpet]

Sounds like the perfect response. And the silence after is exactly what you should hear after a great response from a WAS.

[Elly4]

Why is the silence good, Trumpet?

[trumpet]

You've validated, but didn't engage. He didn't engage back. Some mistake the text or a phrase as the start of a conversation. You just told him you noticed the text, and that was it. Cute as a button. I like it.

[Elly4]

That makes sense. I go way too far into my head with him. I've been trying to detach for a long time, but I'm really bad at it.

[Sotto]

Hi Elly, I think your text response sounded fine. I became mistress of the brief responses to XH - always pleasant, but minimal - That's fine with me thanks. Great . All good thanks etc...

As for detaching....the lovely V once posted that it helps not to think about 'detaching from them' because that still becomes all about them. Try and think more about 'attaching to your own life' - ie: building up what you have going on in your life, so that you become more attached to other things and people. If you do this, and leave him to live his own life, that is the best way I think.

So, tell us more about how you are re-attaching to your life lovely Elly..... :)xx

[Coly23]

Hi Elly, definitely great response to his text! I used to try and string out text conversations with my H at the beginning but soon realised that it was not what he wanted when he would take hours to respond back to me. Now I just validate what he has said and don't ask any questions back. It means I am not waiting like a sad puppy for him to respond!

[Elly4]

So, my H brought my S to me for a quick visit today. We barely traded two words. Should I have said anything other than "Hi" and "What time are you coming back"?

When he came to pick up our S, we just listened to our S chatting until he got in the car and started crying for me. I kiss my boy goodbye and told him I would see him soon. Nothing to H that I can recall.

[Elly4]

Sotto, I've been doing some thinking about what to do for me. I've been so focused on working and doing what's best for our s.

So what am I doing to re attach me...

Well, I'm back on here. I'm making an effort to think about myself and my life instead of just surviving. It's a constant battle. It's much easier to retreat and "sleep" through my sitch. So I'm making myself come on here. I'm starting to participate in other's threads again as well.

Hmm...I gave myself permission to be lazy purposely today. And yet I also got more done around the house today than I normally do. Although, I can't remember who stated this on here, I still make my bed every day.

I'm not sure what else I'm doing. 9 months out and I still think of my H way too often. Living rurally is still difficult.

Oh, I did go out with friends the other night. That was fun!

[Sotto]

Hi Elly, I'm glad to see another post from you and thinking about yourself and your life going forwards is a good step. I think in this process we move from drowning to surviving and hopefully on to thriving....you're at the middle stage which is progress!!

Like you, I seem to get more done when I slow down Hmm. I can recall one day feeling pretty rough with a cold at work. I just made a list, plodded along and got way more done than I seem to do on a normal day.

I struggled a bit with the whole goals thing and being organised about goals. Some people really get into all of that, but I struggled until I found my own way with it. What I did was bought a pretty A5 notebook and whenever I would think of something I wanted to do, I would write down that heading on the top of a blank page. Then if I thought of another goal, I started a new blank page and so on. After a while (I mean weeks here) I had a dozen or so goals.

Some of these were big goals. I want to settle our finances this year. Others were GAL related. I want to learn to dance. Others were about relationships. I want to keep in touch with SS and continue a R with him.

Any time I thought of an early step I could take towards a goal, I'd pop a bullet point down on the page for that goal and when I achieved a step, I'd tick off that bullet point. If I achieved a full goal, that page got a big tick.

This has worked for me anyway as it's kind of organic and I did find it hard to sit down with a blank piece of paper. My goal setting comes and goes. But any time I feel myself getting drifty I grab the notebook and see where I'm up to.

Ciluzen posted a great post on Esame's thread in MLC, which you may also be interested in.

Keep posting and thinking about where you want to go here. What your H is saying or doing will become less prominent over time if you keep heading in the right direction with things....

Xx

[Elly4]

Sotto, I like the journal idea. I get very overwhelmed with sitting down and writing my goals, but I do think of them at other times. Doing it organically might really work for me.

One goal I know I have is to stay in the moment and letting myself enjoy, or not, that moment.