How to rekindle love? (2)

[Rose888]

Not sure how to link to the first thread from my iPad, and I don't have access to my computer for a couple of days.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2669460#Post2669460

I still owe Andrew and EDF responses, but today is very busy.

ForGump--Keep in mind that people tend to over-report their own contributions and under-report their spouse's contributions, so my estimates could be off. And what I finally realized from reading MWD's SSM book (and others) is that it's not the # that's important. It's whether the spouse feels desired. H could tell that I was often having sex reluctantly, and that made him feel guilty.

Trust me, I was being selfish.

[Rose888]

Thanks for adding the link, Cadet!

On the previous thread, EDF said this:


At the base level, what I really desire is to know that my W wants to please me, and that she will continue to want to please me. Her having a raging libido would be one way to guarantee that, but I know she has the lower libido so relying on her being in the mood seems like a very shaky long-term proposition. So maybe don't worry too much over trying to convince your H that your libido or desire for sex has improved, but instead try to show him that your desire to do what it takes to please *him* has improved. I think the latter might be easier for H to trust.

Men, sexually, are pretty straight forward. It's like a button where a few minutes of effort can make the man feel incredible. From my personal male "all about me" perspective, why doesn't my wife want to push that button all the time? Even if my W isn't in the mood, or is busy, or whatever... there are a lot of creative ways to push the button. If my wife had a button like that, I would be pounding it constantly... just seems like a no-brainer.

So maybe show your husband that your libido/arousal isn't a limiting factor, you just really appreciate him and like pushing his button because of how it makes him feel.

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I hear what you are saying, but I think my H has a hard time believing that I will continue to want to push the button. Because, you see, he has 22 years of me not being willing to.

I think that trust will come with time, and it no longer feels like he is about to bolt, so I think he will see over time that I am valuing our sex life and continuing to prioritize it.

However, we all know stories here can turn on a dime, so I don't want to get cocky or complacent.

H suffers from depression that at times edges into MLC, so this could be a temporary lull.

[Rose888]

(Part of ) AndrewP's post on the previous thread:

How did I manage to retain my desire for W despite the lack of sexual gratification? I openly acknowledged to her that sex was a way of her "binding" me to her and we both knew that a couple of weeks without and I would be grumpy and less agreeable to her wishes. Scary to think that it's been 4 months now. I think a lot of it was her ability to be charming and loving in other ways. There were regular "I Love Yous", we would always walk hand in hand, hugs, casual kisses and touches as we passed by each other - I'm starting to cry now - sorry. I would also compensate through masturbation mid-week and on Saturday morning so that I wouldn't be too eager and have the job finished too quickly. I would sometimes use porn to assist me in getting interested in that.

One thing that was a major issue for me and may well be for your husband as well was my inability to bring my W to orgasm. Core to my belief in myself as a virile man was the need to sexually satisfy her and it always made me feel low that I couldn't. That might be part of the issue with you and your H. He perhaps doesn't feel that he's doing good enough or that you're not trying hard enough because you don't cross the finish line. My W was able to reassure me very early on that it wasn't a problem for her and that she just enjoyed being there for me. I always did keep trying though. Since W had a poor body image and was rather a prude she wasn't open to much if any experimenting. The fact that the positions that did work were painful for her made me reluctant to ask.

As a side note - on BD2 - not only did I lose my appetite (and a lot of weight) but I also became impotent. Both appetites have returned somewhat but it's still at a very low ebb - certainly an issue for the fragile male ego.

Anyway - just some things to think about from the other side of the fence from a man who was deeply in love with a woman who was poorly able to sexually satisfy him. You've mentioned being open to new ideas - most of which are around the sex act itself. Perhaps think of other ways to please him that don't involve you getting across the same finish line. I know that I could wear my "participation ribbon" with pride.

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Thanks for stopping in.

It hadn't occurred to me that H might feel bad if I don't cross the line. I used to get frustrated when I didn't, but now I place more value on the binding aspect, so I don't feel like it's all about the finish.

Besides, since we are having so much more sex than before, I still have many more finishes than I used to.

You mention getting grumpy after a few weeks without. H gets grumpy after about 3 days. Maybe his sex drive is higher than most men's? Neither of us have had any other partners, so we have nothing to compare each other to. Sometimes I think there are cons to that.

Anyway, it's a tricky subject to discuss, and my IRL discussions are always with women. I appreciate the male perspective!

[ForGump]

Besides, since we are having so much more sex than before, I still have many more finishes than I used to.

Braggart!!!

(So envious.)

[JRuss]

I can't say I really understand a H's frustration over his W's failure to "cross the finish line". He knows there are things HE can do that pretty much ensure it, every time, right?

[RSG]

From my own experience (while things were good), I remember W saying a few times "I'm not going to this time" and others where she was really excited just to get my rocks off. Yes, it felt good the times I did get her over the moon but it didn't hurt my feelings when she didn't.

That really shouldn't be the biggest part of it. It should be about making each other feel good (I assume it feels good even if you don't finish lol), being close, sharing each other, etc.

[ATPeace]

Just on a side note to all this I used to be very considerate when we ML and I took my time to ensure she was satisfied to the big "O". Now whe tells me that even this was controlling behaviour on my behalf

Just my 2 cent worth

Ghost

[JRuss]

ATPeace -- man, that's about the most ridiculous WW comment I think I've read here, and that's saying something.

[Altair]

Wow. that comment takes the cake!

[ATPeace]

Just saying that's my wife kinda makes you think I guess perhaps she was not fully in the mood for it but ml to keep this demanding man satisfied ...she could have said no ...perhaps she wanted to take the quick train to get it over and done with ...on hind site ...I should have seen this as a massive red flag that she was not happy

My fault for not being able to mind read

Ghost