ponderings

[JimFromBoston]

Hey LL,

My advice...go out w/GF and have fun. If your H has a trust problem don't make it your problem. Don't do anything simply to "keep the peace". The result is pent up doo-doo. I know...I was the world's worst offender w/my X. Then tomorrow (or VERY soon), do the quality time thing with your H.

I'll be out of the circuit for a while. See my thread in STBD!

Take care!

Jim

[poepad]

Gladius,

RIng thing, me thinks you are avoiding it for other reasons, the girls all agree you need to do something, and you keep putting it off.

Dating, just make plans and let H know that you and he are going out. Tell him just be ready at such and such time.

[lostlove]

RIng thing, me thinks you are avoiding it for other reasons, the girls all agree you need to do something, and you keep putting it off.

look I am obviously not happy enough in the r as it stands to simply put my rings back on myself and for whatever reason h isn't asking. so they stay off...sad because they truly are beautiful but right now they are simply meaningless pieces of jewelry...a waist of good money...they'll sit in the cabinet until such a time that h asks me to put them back on or until I pass them on to my dd. end of story.

Dating, just make plans and let H know that you and he are going out. Tell him just be ready at such and such time.

are you kidding me???!!! I can't even get him to come home at any specific time never mind say that we are going here and be ready. The only way that would be even remotely possible is if I purchased tickets to some event or if I made plans to do something with other people. Those are not the things I'm looking for.

heck all I'm looking for is at least one night a week where we spend time together and not just sitting on the couch...maybe play a game of cards and have a few drinks or play darts..or get a sitter and go out for dinner or to catch a movie or simply go do some errands or something.

h cannot commit to one night a week and even when I (as in last week) said let's do something saturday, the response I get is let's see what saturday brings...gee funny how h can easily make plans to go to a pre season game with his brother..I'm sure he'll be able to get himself out of work and dressed and ready to hit the road promptly but cannot make plans to do anything with his sad sorry ass pathetic wife who he ignored, emotionally neglected, had an affair on (oh exuse me it wasn't sexual), left, asked for a d, etc etc etc.

I'm tired of living h's life...I'm tired of h being able to come and go...call the shots...decide when we are physical, decide when we will socialize (and having the nerve to blame our lack of time together on my emt course, please as if..the class is two nights a week, I'm typically home by ten and how does that get him out of fri or sat night???? if anything those nights should be a luxury as he can go right to sleep and not feel like he has to entertain stupid me)

either h doesn't get it or I don't get it.
I'm getting really tired of feeling this way.

are things better than they were???? well sure they are better than they were a year ago...they are better than they were 2 years ago...but they sure aren't any better than they were 3 or 4 years ago..we've simply returned to the same old mundane, do nothing, go nowhere, let's sit and fall asleep on the couch life....

tonight I am so frustrated with h that I cannot even sleep in the bed with him...I had to get up and sleep on the couch (well made a stop here first)

does he not understand??

I ask for time...

he claims to have no time...

same story...

he makes time to attend his football games...

I am frustrated by the fact that he can make time for this but not for US?

I will be told..."I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything...this is all I do"

so I say nothing, but I can't hide my frustration.


I express to h that I would like to hear ily more often...

h hears my request...

still haven't heard it!!

I'm tired of making requests...I hope that I will not be one of the pathetic waw's who waits till they get involved with another man to leave.

I hope that either h starts to meet me in the middle or that I get so pathetic that this life of nothingness is enough for me.

what really pisses me off is that before h left...we were going out weekly! and h was requesting that we play cards and we were hanging out and enjoying eachothers company.

I am at a loss and frankly I'm too tired to care anymore...

I've been given hugs from you all, or pats on the back, or (hardly ever what are you all afraid of my rath?) whacks with the 2x4. at this point I doubt any of you will have any advice so I think it best that I just stop waisting time posting about myself...my h came home...end of story...I'll stop making it look so scary for those who still want their was to return.

LL

[shinybear]

Whoaa! LL! I was just about to sign off...you still out there? H sawing logs yet? Or have you torn a strip off of him????

I FEEL your boredom, agitation, frustration, anger, simmering rage

I get those feelings too sometimes. ...

It doesn't sound fair that H won't make specific plans with you, and yet does with others. What's the difference? He takes time with you for granted? Wants to keep his options "open"? (This is actually a personality trait ).

Does he just not GET how important your issues are? Does the fact that you are sometimes quite content throw him off? Give him a dumbass sense of security?

Could it be as KAW said earlier that he's just not ready to put your needs first? That he feels like it's obligatory or something? Is HE waiting for some flash of something from YOU before he asks about the rings??

Honestly, if he asked you right now...would you put them back on? Do you think he might sense (is it possible?) your ambivalence and not want to risk it???

Just some thoughts. Hope you work through some of this, even if it means you and H are arguing right now. You "sound" like like my thoughts when I've been "stuffing" my negative emotions too much.

Let it on out, you'll feel much better.

Shiny

[Kelli]

LL,
I can relate you what you're feeling. My H has always been the kind to put himself first, and then anyone else. There was a time when I even felt I had lost myself as an individual. I know my H just doesn't get it. When I told him I was used to being "second place", in his life, he truely didn't understand the feeling. H can drop everything for dinner with a client, but is always too tired to go to dinner with me (and never thinks to invite me along). When he's home, he's on his barstool unless I ask him to move. Like you, I read other posts on this board, and say H is home, what's my problem? This is extremely fustrating because a little attention and reinforcement of your place in his life is not alot to ask for, but asking just sets him off. I have no advice, because I don't know what to do either.

[lostlove]

hey shiny,

It doesn't sound fair that H won't make specific plans with you, and yet does with others. What's the difference? I would imagine the difference is that with others he does things that he enjoys...going to the football games. He takes time with you for granted? well after all why should he make plans with me, I'll still be here tommorow wont I? Wants to keep his options "open"? his reasoning while attempting to get him to "commit" to one night a week that we spend together be it out of the house or at home, was that he wasn't going to commit to it and then if he couldn't do it (because of work/being tired) have the fact that he made the "commitment" be held against him. so instead of setting the "schedule" and possibly occassionaly running into a problem with it, he chooses to plan nothing and wing it so that he cannot be held accountable for anything. (This is actually a personality trait ).

Does he just not GET how important your issues are? it would appear that he doesn't get it, wouldn't it? Does the fact that you are sometimes quite content throw him off? perhaps Give him a dumbass sense of security? probably, but then again he's probably always waiting for the other shoe to drop too

Could it be as KAW said earlier that he's just not ready to put your needs first? don't know, but I would imagine that h would not agree that he is not putting my needs first. That he feels like it's obligatory or something? he's not going to do what doesn't come naturally, perhaps that is why things are always so inconsitant. grrrrr! Is HE waiting for some flash of something from YOU before he asks about the rings?? I doubt it, I thinks it's more of a stubborn thing on both our parts.

Let it on out, you'll feel much better.

the fact is when I let it out to h, I don't feel better infact I end up feeling worse.

as I suspected, if I even mentioned anything about h not making the time for me, our little mini family vaca would be thrown at me as well as the fact that we are "planning" (uhm not really it's more of a hey LL your good with the puter see if you can find an exchange with the timeshare) but that might be another month away. I am expected to be satisfied with a few min here and there and an occasional vacation? there is no consistancy. when I mention consistancy to h, he responds with "I'm human" bla bla bla.

LL

[lostlove]

hi kelli,

This is extremely fustrating because a little attention and reinforcement of your place in his life is not alot to ask for, but asking just sets him off.

it certainly is frustrating, especially since the advice most people seem to want to offer is to get your own life, do your own thing, keep yourself busy with things that you want to do etc etc etc. so inother words forget about having a r? forget about sharing a life with someone and instead be happy that I share a house with them?????

what the people that give that advice don't realize is that it makes no difference what I'm doing. H seems happy and content if I'm otherwise entertained, months could go by (or more) without us going anywhere or doing anything other then typical daily living and he would not complain, he would not say "hey we haven't spent any time together lately, let's go out."

I'm tired of accomodating him.

when he came home there were some things I wanted and stated clearly...some have occured but the rest seem to have just gone over his head, been excused away.

I don't get it...I just don't get it.

LL

[KAW]

what really pisses me off is that before h left...we were going out weekly! and h was requesting that we play cards and we were hanging out and enjoying eachothers company.

I'm pretty certain of your response, but I gotta ask, "Have told him how much you enjoyed being with hime when you were doing these things. Do you tell him how much you miss it as it relates to these very activities? Have asked him why he stopped doing them? What were the reasons?

I will be told..."I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything...this is all I do"

... then my W adds how bored she is with her life! You could point out in a pleasant manner that he is is choosing this is all he does and ask "Down the road, will you be happy or regret this is all that you have done?" You may not hear the answer that you want, but at least know where he stands, then make the choice to lead a life closer to what you want and hope or share in his and wait and hope he wises up enough to change his ways.

..we've simply returned to the same old mundane, do nothing, go nowhere, let's sit and fall asleep on the couch life....

I do relate on how you feel. Every day, when I get home ... we have diner ... we wash the dishes, after which she goes to the bedroom ... sits on the bed and either reads a novel or watches TV. Two, three times a week, I would call her and ask her to meet me for diner out, but money been tight the last couple of months so we have to do that a lot less and she been declining when I ask. So there she sits. When I ask what she wants to do or make a suggestion, I get, "I don't feel like doing anything." LL, what I've been doing lately is getting out of the house with D9 more often. Play in the yard, take her to a movie, to the playground, the mall, etc... Then we come home and D9 tells Mom what a grand time she had. Just "dancing" on my own...

Does it suck that I'm doing these things without W. You bet! Would I rather be doing these things with her. Hell yea! but you know what, I'm not going to give them up because she wants to sit in bed and now with D9 saying what a good time she has do this or that with Dad, she starting to feel left out and has been sharing more in doing these things. Now that doesn't mean we're doing much as a couple these days (like the day we went to the fair and afterwards.), but the more we do as a family will lead to doing more as a couple. This weekend we saw a commercial for a movie coming out with Kevin Costner & Tommy Lee Jones (I think?) in a western. She said, "That looked interesting." I raised an eyebrow and said, "You don't like westerns." She replied that she likes those actors and would be interest in going to see the movie. So that could be the first of more oppurtunities...

You said it yourself, its better than it was for the last two years and yes, it is a lot of hard work to get there, but as the song goes ... Nobody guarantied you a rose garden ... you have to work at it to have the one you are happy about. So now, its time to make M better than it was three years ago ... then four ... five ...

It slow ... it frustrating ... to keep being the one to find ways to get you closer to your goals, when they don't even realize there are goals to be had out there (or in my case, her goals pull her away from me) ... but hopefully one day, we and our spouses can discover we do have goals we share and that it will be easier to obtain if we join in the effort.

LL, your posts are not futile. You have discovered some more of what worked for a while. Your H has made some efforts to change ... but for some of us, its not easy to find what keeps it going ... the solutions are not always easy to find, but I do believe they are out there ... even if its doing your own thing and let spouse figure it out on their own. The question then becomes, do you have the endurance to wait it out and to be the one to put forth the effort to break the cycles that don't work?

... but I guess that's exactly the question you are asking ... and only you can answer that one.

'til later,
KAW

[KAW]

it certainly is frustrating, especially since the advice most people seem to want to offer is to get your own life, do your own thing, keep yourself busy with things that you want to do etc etc etc. so inother words forget about having a r? forget about sharing a life with someone and instead be happy that I share a house with them?????

what the people that give that advice don't realize is that it makes no difference what I'm doing. H seems happy and content if I'm otherwise entertained, months could go by (or more) without us going anywhere or doing anything other then typical daily living and he would not complain, he would not say "hey we haven't spent any time together lately, let's go out."

Since I post from work, it can take a while to between job tasks for me to compile a rely, so I see you slipped in a couple more posts since and before you think I may be replying with more of the same, let me point out the sutle different I trying to make.

You should not lose out on the things you would like to do simply because your H doesn't want to do them. True some may need to be put on a back burner until your H want to participate, but do more of the family oriented stuff to start with. For instance, you're going to be able to get a bridge (or poker) game going the young ones, but playing a few hands of "Go fish" or "War" some evenings. Try to have a blast and it might impel H to want to join in ... and then it might lead to some "adult" games later.

Taking the kids out and leaving H home alone some evenings of the week only to have the kids and you come home so joviant from your activities, just might make feel left out and wanting to join in. The more he participates, the more he may want to share in more with just you.

'til later,
KAW

[lostlove]

Taking the kids out and leaving H home alone some evenings of the week only to have the kids and you come home so joviant from your activities, just might make feel left out and wanting to join in

KAW,

I always appreciate your posts. thing is my kiddos are little, 4 and two. I can barely get son (4) to play memory card games never mind go fish (he just doesn't have the patience yet for that kind of stuff, I've tried the frustration isn't worth it at this point) as far as taking the kids out and leaving h alone...well dd's bed time is 7pm and that is typically what time h gets home..son's bed time is 8pm. last week I did take son (while cousin 10 was visiting) to the drive in....son started to fall asleep before the movie was over.

it's not as if I'm sitting at home everynight waiting for h to "entertain" me. I've suggested we go to the drive in ourselves..but it won't happen (I'll bet I'll be there again at least once before he joins me, good thing I no longer have a problem going places alone). tues and thurs nights I am not home when h gets home I have already left for class and he is typically asleep by the time I get home. When friends invite me out I go. I keep busy with painting and other misc projects around the house after I put dd to bed.

it is not as if I am left thinking that h doesn't care about me or my well being at all. I know that he does...it is simply that I wish he would have more of a desire or drive to spend fun time with me.

before the disclosure of ea ow, I began to accept that h was simply a simple man, he worked, ate slept and watched football and had little desire to do much else. He was a good man, a working man, a man who enjoyed the simpleness of life...work hard and provide for your family and occassionally go watch a football game. It wasn't fun but I accepted it. Now after either realizing or fabricating in my mind that h does have the desire to enjoy life and the company of a woman I am left to wonder...why not me? why would he call this woman to go to lunch? why would he stop by this womans house to spend time with her and not give me the same?

when I express to him what it is that I want...using his own definition of "in love" "to want to be around that person, to want that person to be around you" his new response is "that wasn't real, you even said so yourself"

h does not claim to be unhappy, infact he seems very happy especially when I'm not complaining about anything being missing.

as you no doubt can tell, it takes very little to make me happy, the crumbs that h throws me occassionally make me smile...I would just like to smile more often.

I have something wrong with my eye...it's been bothering me for a week now...it has become red and swollen...I went to the er yesterday...they've called it a type of pink eye...and I have to follow up tommorow with an optomologist...h has called me already 3x today to see how I am doing, that tells me he does care.

when I "complain" about us not doing anything together (aside from family stuff) h often gives me the "what did you think it would be like" (in regards to having children) thing is I am willing to push myself to ensure that we have a quality relationship, I am not content to sit back and say...now is the time when we dedicate ourselves to work and family and there'll be time for "US" later on. I understand that if we do not give some time to "US" now, there may not be an "US" to dedicate time to later on as we will both have simply gotten so busy living our own lives fullfilling our own roles individually.

I am not saying that I am perfect or right and h is all wrong in our sit. I am simply saying that we need to do some more work to find a middle ground. I need to learn to not focus on the r so much and h needs to learn to focus a bit more on it.

LL