Hello. I’ve been diligently reading this forum for about a week and trying to get tips. advice and attempt to get a better grasp about my current state of affairs with my M and Wife.
First, a little bit about me. Background: 49 yrs old, love wife and kids, dedicated father, good provider, loyal husband (never thought of cheating), no addictions (don’t drink nor smoke) and when I need too can be engaging. Bad Stuff: Rage/anger issues, verbally abusive at anger triggers (maybe once a quarter), stressed about work and at times family life, natural lean towards being a homebody/introverted with my family.
My wife: Background: 40 yrs old, dedicated mother, no addictions (social drinker), great personality…just naturally friendly, and naturally outgoing personality Bad stuff: Not much, just the infrequent nagging ever so often and has a feisty/bull-headed personality, but who doesn’t
Our M: M for 12 yrs T for 13 yrs. D10 and S8. W was a stay at home wife, but was never happy about that, because she felt her potential was being wasted. This past April got a part time job that converted to a full time job this June
What I Did: Within my marriage I verbally abused/raged on wife. It may have been sporadic, but after awhile, she just expected it. I was very controlling as to what I expected our home life and marriage should look like. Part of my abuse is that I would after anger outburst just ignore my wife for days, weeks and sometimes months. Many times, I was not supportive for her in her desire to have a life outside of her friends. I was not supportive with her relationship with her father, based on resentment to my FIL and thinking he was a burden, I did not appreciate my wife and there were rare personal relationship time (after kids) between the two of us, because I refused to get a babysitter. I had a thought of only trusting family, and we have no family around us. The very worst thing: one rage episode I escalated an physically harmed my wife (not that it makes any difference but it was to scare her as she was hitting me…I am much larger than my wife; so, again absolutely no excuses on my part). My wife warned me over the years on my behavior that she was going to leave. I was prideful, selfish, and just didn’t care because I really didn’t think there were any real consequences to my my destructive and damaging behavior.
Bomb: In I got into a rageful argument with my wife. Said some nasty and hurtful things to her. Did not apologize and just ignored her for a long period of time. Within this two month period, unbeknownst to me, my wife was breaking down emotionally and physically (she lost 15 pounds, which is drastic for a small woman). She called a D Lawyer and understood her options. She Bomb Dropped on me in early June that she wanted a D and that she stopped loving me and was not attracted to me anymore. In her words, she switched it off, because of all the pain I caused her and did not know if it will ever return.
My immediate reaction was the obvious: 1) I refused to accept what she was saying 2) tried to convince her I made a mistake and wouldn’t do it again 3)got angry she wouldn’t change her mind, but still refused to got to IC or MC. It quickly progressed to completely an emotional breakdown crying, begging, emotionally suffocating her, pestering her to change her mind, telling her all the time how much I lover her, and trying to guilt her because of all our time and kids. I even started to go to IC for anger issues, sincerely admitted to everything on the damage I’ve done. I now begged her to go to MC, but she refused. Within this 3 week period repeatedly told me she did not love me anymore.
Before reading DG/DR I was trying to do nice things by contributing more to the household, taking care of the kids now that she had a full time job, we even had a short family vacation for the 4th, but within all this time I continued to suffocate her with my presence. My wife is a very caring and nice person, and she was trying to attempt to put a nice family picture for the kid’s sake, but deep down she didn’t want anything to do with me. She asked if we can have a hybrid-S. Where she leaves for the weekend (to her friend’s empty room/studio apartment). She would come in the morning to make the kids lunch and some evening for the kid’s dinner. I refused and she being a nice person did not push for it. After the 4th, I kept doing the same thing, asking her to change her mind pleading her that I made changes (she has agreed in the past 2 months I have made changes); however, my behavior was attempting again to control her by asking/guilting her to give me another chance. The worst part is that I would have these conversations with her at night when she wanted to go to sleep and refused to stop, because it made me feel better to talk to her.
After one of these, pleading, guilting, night time talks she agreed to go to MC for me not necessarily for her or the M. When we were at MC she and the therapist agreed that a S was the healthiest thing we could do that she takes this break from me, because otherwise we were heading to a D. My wife stated she wants space to process the hurt. She also stated she’s also scared about our future together and all the implications that come with it. She also stated I still don’t love you, but in her heart maybe with this space she could find a spark to try for our marriage, but made it clear she didn’t think there was one.
This was when I found DB/DR. I started to put into practice the 180 and not pursue (as much as I could). I started to GAL and focus all my free time with the kids (I have them on weekends and many nights). I stopped emailing and for the most part try not to text her unless she text first. It’s only been 3 weeks, but my heart is broken, I’m an emotional wreck (I don’t show it for W and kids), and I have anxieties she will find someone else (she’s beautiful, stop wearing her rings, and now obsessed with her looks).
There’s more I can share both good and bad, but what I really need is a support group like this forum. The bottom line: I CREATED THIS. I HAD WHAT I CONSIDERED A PICTURE PERFECT LIFE AND INCREDIBLE LOVING WIFE. THROUGH MY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR I DAMAGED MY MARRIAGE AND MY FAMILY. I am doing everything possible to change as a person for me; so, that I can be a better father and ultimately a better husband.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It’s only been 3 weeks, but my heart is broken, I’m an emotional wreck (I don’t show it for W and kids), and I have anxieties she will find someone else (she’s beautiful, stop wearing her rings, and now obsessed with her looks).
This is how I feel. My guts feel hollowed out and I feel dead, a zombie. I'm still fully infatuated with my W's beauty, and that makes me feel jealous for whoever is/will be with her.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I do want to mention, over the past couple of weeks with not pursuing and attempting to detach as well as focusing with GAL especially with my kids. The W is now initiating texts not in any way like it use to be, but politely letting me know to enjoy the weekend with the kids. She also stating 'Thanks" and "Thank you" for things I do to make her/the household life easier. However, my wife, is naturally a kind person and I of course think this is my wife being nice and friendly, rather than have any thought to R.
One question I have: It was recently my wife's birthday and i gave her a sizable gift. First, because I normally do this, second, it's a milestone birthday, and third I already bought the gift much earlier. In the early period of this sitch, my W made it very clear she did not want any gifts from whatsover, and was not thrilled when i got a utility replacement for her and something she needed. Fast forward 5 weeks, I ask if she's willing to accept a gift from me for her birthday and she states yes, with some reservations. I ask her at this point to just accept it and if she doesn't like it, she can give it back to me. She did in fact accept it and thank me for it, but also stated I could return it If I wanted too. This is not a bribe and i'm not looking for conditions, but I got to think this is also not a bad sign. My W is not materialistic and understands our currently sitch.
ForGump - Yes, agree with you 100%. I know I have to detach and can;t control her. I also believe there is no one else, but the paranoia/anxieties kill me.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
My W is not materialistic and understands our currently sitch.
Yes but I am not sure you understand it.
Do your understand your sitch? How about do you understand it from her point of view?
Originally Posted By: your wife
she also stated I still don’t love you, but in her heart maybe with this space she could find a spark to try for our marriage, but made it clear she didn’t think there was one.
Can you explain WHY she doesnt love you?
You think it is all about your anger issues and rage? I am not saying those are good traits and that you should not FIX them, BUT is it the REAL reason?
