This message should be under Success Stories, but I was having trouble posting there. I hope someone copies my story to that topic.
I never in a million years thought I would be posting my own story on this topic, but I am so joyous and privileged to be here.
H and I have been married 16 years, together 23 years, with 12-year-old daughter of our own (and three children between us when we married from our previous marriages). H is now 54, I am 46. We separated 20 months ago and I was served divorce papers a few months later. These divorce papers went unanswered by me and eventually went into the fireplace.
The devastation that it took on me was indescribable -- didnt go to work a lot, went on Xanax, wanted to take my own life -- and probably would have if it were not for my precious 12-year old daughter! Six months after he left, H moved in with co-worker who was 24 years younger!
Reasons why H left: never got over an emotional affair I had 14 years ago, which basically consisted of telephone calls to another state, but a true deception all the same. To all married persons: please think about the ramifications of your actions and any deception you may be tempted into, because trust is so very hard to reclaim. This breaking of my marriage vow led itself to assumptions on my husband's part which were never true.
Then, more recently, there were problems with my older, 23- year old daughter from my previous marriage where I went against him in decisions, and put her first(hate this mentality). All things I should have handled differently, but alas, did not. H did not leave for another woman, but eventually found one.
After initial 9 months of separation, H started showing a lot of interest (I guess the bloom was off the rose of his new live-in relationship). I know you have heard it again and again on this message board, but it truly was only when I let go and started trying to live my own life, did he finally realize what he was giving up and feared losing me. We were dating/having serious heart-to-heart conversations for one year prior to his leaving his situation, who was apparently just a band-aid for his pain; he never claimed he loved her, but she was a diversion. All through this time, we sought our own individual therapies. I did give husband both Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy when I felt he would open his heart to read it and he did. We even discussed various chapters in the book. I also was so bold as to print out all the stories under the Success Stories section and advised that "this could be us too"! Once again, I only did this when I knew he was confused/re-thinking his decision to leave and did admit to still loving me. Earlier on, I think the books and printouts would have ended up in the garbage, as did most of my earlier, pleading letters.
I am thrilled and amazed to say that just last week, husband surprised me with a trip to Las Vegas where he arranged to have us renew our vows in a small, romantic wedding chapel. We had tears in our eyes as we renewed the vows we should have never broken. I am so, so grateful to God for allowing us to set things right and have the marriage we should have always had. H has never treated me so well and I truly feel that, as painful as our separation was, our marriage is better than it ever was. I don't believe we will ever take each other for granted and have learned so much to appreciate the great love we still held through all his anger. It is sad that many couples don't realize what they have until it is gone. H cannot do enough to make me happy, feels humble and appreciative that I was willing to reconcile and is totally the loving husband and family man I always dreamed of. He is remorseful for having another relationship while we were separated, and is afraid that I will resent him for it. I had no relationship for the almost two years and he knew I was amenable to a reconciliation and would forgive him. As hard as it is, I am letting his other relationship go because I have to for the sake of the marriage and he has made me feel better about what it was and what it was not. At this point, I do not bring the situation up at all which is what I have to do, though it does haunt me. The end result is well worth starting anew, with a clean slate.
I am eternally grateful for Michelle, Vernetta (who I had one telephone conversation with) and most of all, all the wonderful people who have shared their stories and gave me the strength to hope, but to go on anyway if things weren't meant to be. The words of wisdom made me stronger as I read the heartache and successes (successes both with their spouses or without!). The invaluable tools (stopping the chase, act as if, do 180's, express unconditional love, listen like you never listened before to OR talks, apologize about the things I was wrong about, etc.) helped me proactively feel that I was doing something towards a possible goal (with or without him) and not feeling that I have no control over the situation, which as you know, is a very, very scary feeling.
Again, thank you, thank you, thank you to Michelle and everyone for your support and your assistance in this fantastic result!
Excellent news Lori! I got chills and watery eyes reading your post, as it pretty much mirrors where my W and I have been as well as where we are today.
Best of luck to you, your H, and your family in the future.
- Mark
What goes around, comes around.
My sitch: "Third time's a charm?"
Sparkie, I really appreciate your beautiful words which in turn brought tears to my eyes because I understand so well the pain and longing you are going through. I truly hope things will turn around for you and you find the happiness you deserve. Almost two years was a long time for me - but if it is meant to be, it will be! Good Luck.
It was imperative to share my success because everyone here helped me survive and gave me so much hope through their stories. Thanks for your good wishes. I hope all good things for you too!!!
I also hope that you'll link this thread over in the Newcomers section if you haven't done so already. Your story will give a lot of us a much needed shot in the arm. It just reinforces my feeling that what I'm going through with my W now will eventally be worth it when we have a much stronger M.
Thanks so much for writing. Daily visits to this message board helped me get through the day. Please advise how to link to Newcomers -- and don't give up!! Time is a great healer and my marriage, truly, has never been better.
Lori - probably the easiest way for me to do it is to right click with your mouse and Copy Shortcut this link. Start a new thread in Newcomers. Under the Instant UBB Code box is one for URL. Click on that and a pop-up window will show up. Paste the shortcut there. Once you click on OK, another box will appear so that you can enter the title of this thread. Click on OK and then finish posting as normal.
That should take care of it. If not, we'll figure something out...
Thank you JamesJohn for fixing my link and for putting me under Success Stories -- and of course, for all your wise words of wisdom which helped me get where I am. You are great!
If not, we'll figure something out... 
