How to piece?

[inpain]

I'm hoping someone who has begun piecing or has successfully pieced can help me.

My H left in over 8 months ago after telling me 2 months before that that he no longer loved me. It isn't the first time he's gone, he left for 4 months 9 years ago.

A couple of weekends ago he said he wants to "work it out" and get back together because, "after all this time he still cares about me, hates to see me cry and likes the family feel when we all go out (with our 2 children).

The trouble is I am now not sure that I want him back. He has put me through so much pain and I had finally started to feel at peace with living just me and my two children. When he comes round I just feel irritated and annoyed by him and with him. I don't know if this is how everyone feels. When he came back before I didn't feel like this, I was desperate to have him back, this time I'm not.

He wants us to go on holiday as a family and "take it from there". At the moment he comes round, sits in his armchair, tells S11 off constantly for silly little niggles (one of the reasons we argued so much before he left) and then announces he's going to bed (at his Dad's house down the road).

I am now back to not sleeping at night because I feel that I don't want this but I know that the children would love him to come home and so now I feel like the bad one for being unsure. Help!

[EDF]

Hi IP,
A couple quick points I took away from other people's stories while trying to navigate my own sitch:

- A transition to piecing doesn't need to be instantaneous like flipping a light switch. Take it as slow as needed to see if the intent from your spouse is real and their actions match.
- I've also seen a number of recommendations to specifically not let the WS (once gone) back into the house and/or MBR immediately even if you decide you are "piecing". It's fine to continue to live separate for a stretch while slowly trying out increased activities together to see how things go.

[inpain]

Hi EDF, thank you so much for your reply. The points you mention are very helpful, especially the one about not letting them move back in - I didn't want to do that and was worried it wasn't the right thing to do. Right now I can't imagine ever wanting my WAH to sleep next to me - I guess there's a long, long, long way to go. I just don't see how I can trust him ever again.

[Cadet]

I just don't see how I can trust him ever again.

He needs to prove it by consistent ACTIONS, not words.

You may need counseling more than ever if this is going to work.
How do you know that you aren't just plan B or OW #2 right now?

I think you should take your time, there is no hurry, IMHO.

[srt]

sorry for thread hijack, but when do you switch from full on DB mode (going dark) to letting them see more of your light if they are showing signs of wanting to piece?

My W is "dating" but still says she wants to see how it goes, and I want to ensure none of the DB actions come across as negative behaviours.

Any advice?

[MrBond]

What has he been DOING to re-establish your trust in him? A vacation is fine but it's just a temporary band-aid. Also, ongoing MC is a MUST. I don't think I've seen any M in Piecing that survived unless there was counseling.

[Rouky]

Has your H have any intention to seek counselling for trying to work out his issues? I'm not piercing but if H was to want to R one of the thing I'd like him to do is to seek IC to deal with his issues that led him to do what he did.

Take care of yourself and take it slowly xx

[Rouky]

Hello IP, how are you doing? Hope life is treating you and your kids well x

[WillDo]

Rouky, inpain I just wanted to say HI. I had followed your stiches. All the best

[GH31]

I'm hoping someone who has begun piecing or has successfully pieced can help me.

My H left in over 8 months ago after telling me 2 months before that that he no longer loved me. It isn't the first time he's gone, he left for 4 months 9 years ago.

A couple of weekends ago he said he wants to "work it out" and get back together because, "after all this time he still cares about me, hates to see me cry and likes the family feel when we all go out (with our 2 children).

And what about everything else? Is that all a marriage is to him? All of the benefits and none of the responsibility?

The trouble is I am now not sure that I want him back.

No surprises there.

I don't know if this is how everyone feels. When he came back before I didn't feel like this, I was desperate to have him back, this time I'm not.

You don't have to take him back if you don't want to.

He wants us to go on holiday as a family and "take it from there".

Sounds like typical wayward spouse selfish babble to me.

I am now back to not sleeping at night because I feel that I don't want this but I know that the children would love him to come home and so now I feel like the bad one for being unsure. Help!

Piecing, should you choose that path, is for you alone. Not for your kids, not your husband, not anyone else but you. Take it extremely slowly, for a period of weeks or months, before you decide that piecing is viable. Cadet is right - if it's going to work you and hubby are going to need some brand new information - i.e. counselling.