My husband and I have been together since I was 18, him 21. Now 24/27. Things have been rough since the beginning but were slowly starting to improve, until imploding. The only main issue is poor communication, and the fact that we've involved a lot of outside parties in the relationship during fights, including a time where he was arrested as a result.
He moved out a month ago and told me he wanted a divorce. I've ordered the DB book but I don't have a lot of hope left. I had to send him my notarized copy of the divorce agreement yesterday. I apologized yesterday for being so angry about his decision. Today he sent me this, and I have no idea how to respond. I think he's already gone.
"I'm sorry for everything and I wish very badly it went any other way, or that we actually paid attention and addressed it sooner. But it just got so far from what either of us wanted that we dragged so many people around us into it. On the bright side we are still both amazing people and nobody can take that from us and we definitely put in more effort than anyone our age that I've ever met. I will let you know what's going on with [filing for divorce] when the time comes."
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just to clarify, I've already been doing a 180 to the best of my ability with a couple of hiccups. I honestly have no idea how I'm supposed to respond to this message, if at all. I'd love to hear a DB perspective on this because I'm at a loss.
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
"I'm sorry for everything and I wish very badly it went any other way, or that we actually paid attention and addressed it sooner. But it just got so far from what either of us wanted that we dragged so many people around us into it. On the bright side we are still both amazing people and nobody can take that from us and we definitely put in more effort than anyone our age that I've ever met. I will let you know what's going on with [filing for divorce] when the time comes."
I dont think this requires any response. What do you want to say?
Write it out here and wait 48 hours before you send any communication.(to get some input)
"If you wish that it would go any other way, there's no reason it has to go in the direction of a divorce. We can pay attention to this now, we can address this now. We can continue with a separation to give each other time and space, we can go to counseling to work on making sure these reoccurring issues do not keep happening. Everyone who is currently way too involved in our lives will eventually either forget or no longer be a part of our lives, but what you are proposing to do is permanent and affects the rest of our daily lives."
The people he is referring to are friends, not even ones he stays in contact with much. Our relatives have unfortunately been involved as well, but my parents are more than willing to forgive and accept him and I know my in laws are fond of me. During our previous separation, my FIL was begging me to please take his son back, and what can he do to make that happen. The separation was my husband's choice, so I told FIL that I had no control over it but wanted things to work out.
That's what I want to say. But of course it goes entirely against doing the 180. The problem is that my H tends to make very rushed, very brash decisions without thinking too far in the future. I don't think he realizes this. He truly feels that we've tried everything because we went to two counseling sessions before he gave up (the counselor told us that we should remain in counseling for at least one year), and because we separated twice for honestly too short of periods for anything to change (3 months and 2 months respectively). We haven't tried being separated and doing counseling together, or even taking either of them seriously.
Unfortunately, I know I cannot force him to change his mind. I'm still very much dedicated to the marriage though, unfortunately that's been true from day one of the relationship and it's been pretty one-sided for the majority. I just don't know what else I can do or say.
The good news is, I know that it will take him months (if at all) to file the paperwork...he's not very proactive, if I'm being honest. The bad news is, he's not filing them because he doesn't want to divorce, he won't be filing them because it's inconvenient.
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
The good news is, I know that it will take him months (if at all) to file the paperwork...he's not very proactive, if I'm being honest. The bad news is, he's not filing them because he doesn't want to divorce, he won't be filing them because it's inconvenient.
I think going as dark as possible is the best way to delay or stop the divorce. I agree that you should not send that response. It will not accomplish what you are intending and is more pursuing, begging and pleading.
Just remember that sometimes doing NOTHING is really doing something.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi, sorry that you are here- but welcome. I guess some db-ers would say you don't need to respond to this message.
Thanks for the welcome! Sorry you're here as well, from your signature it seems like you've been on quite the rollercoaster Hoping things improve for you again though!
I'm guessing too that no response here will probably be the best. The thing is that, as people who are living separately and have no kids, I'm afraid the next communication will just be him alerting me that he's filing paperwork. He has no reason to reach out to me otherwise, and we've only spoke about the logistics of separation since this occurred.
I backslid majorly on Saturday by talking about reconciliation. He said that he didn't see any way that the marriage could possibly work. I told him that I had a suggestion, but didn't want to bother with discussing it because he seemed to already have made his decision. He eventually pried it out of me and I told him I thought it would be a good idea if we just stay separated for awhile and eventually go to counseling, while still living separately.
He told me that he thinks that would only get us to a point where we would be happy enough to get back together, and that everything would be the same afterwards and that he's afraid of being arrested again. I tried reasoning that the point of counseling was to work on fixing things before ever even thinking of reconciling, and that he didn't have anything to lose by going to counseling. However, he's deathly afraid of being arrested again.
I'll be honest when I say that I made the threat of this. I'm so remorseful for it. He said so many terrible things about me, attacks both on my body and my personality, and also said things that made no sense about him deserving alimony from me, and also said he was getting a lawyer after (per his request) we agreed to leave lawyers out of the equation. I foolishly reminded him that I could reopen the closed case at any point and threatened to get a lawyer of my own.
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
"I'm sorry for everything and I wish very badly it went any other way, or that we actually paid attention and addressed it sooner. But it just got so far from what either of us wanted that we dragged so many people around us into it. On the bright side we are still both amazing people and nobody can take that from us and we definitely put in more effort than anyone our age that I've ever met. I will let you know what's going on with [filing for divorce] when the time comes."
I dont think this requires any response. What do you want to say?
Write it out here and wait 48 hours before you send any communication.(to get some input)
Cadet, I think this is a great opportunity to respond in a validating way and make her position known to H.
J, I am sorry that you're here for horrible reasons, but you're among some really fine folks here who will provide you with tons of support, humor, and some whacks of 2 x 4. We will go easy on you as you are really hurting and finding your way around here.
I would encourage you to read Cadet's homework and visit other threads here for you will learn tons of really useful information.
Since you are not fully up to speed on DBing principles, I would suggest that you post here first before reacting to H's texts and emails for we can provide you with some feedback to ensure your responses are in alignment with DB. A lot of newbies want to explain (and sometimes over explain) their positions/view when actually pushes the WAS further away. We would not want that here, do we?
I would be more then happy to get you started in the right direction by posting here and you can change it to suit your style as I am not you:
Thank you for opening up to me...it cannot be easy for you at all and I appreciate this. I can see that we both made mistakes and probably didn't handle things very well. Sure, there are some things that I would do differently in my approach. Just to make you aware here--I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way. I agree that we are amazing people.
Then let it be. Don't try to chase H or engage in a drawn out text exchanges.
Keep coming here and post as often as you can. Be sure to visit other threads just to say "hi" to drive traffic back here.
Hoping things improve for you again though! 