Betterm. Amazing. I'd say intuitive but it's obvious that human behaviour patterns are the same and you have experienced your W do the same things (exactly). It feels good to know you and others have been there and when ether wheels come off you all help to put them back on.
How do I do detaching. By not contacting her and 'acting as if' we were always just caring guardians of two beautiful children, then simply working on being happy.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Surfer - I don't have much time so I will provide more depth later in regards to my 'detachment', but for now, I just want to say that you're not alone, we've all been through a sh1tstorm and while none of it makes any damn sense to us, there does seem to be a significant amount of similarities in our WAS with each of our "different" situations...
As far as "doing detachment"... I think that is very misunderstood term/process around here on the forums, and I'll elaborate on this later, but for now... think about what provides joy in your life today? What makes you excited and enthusiatic? What makes you feel alive? Have you done much self-discovery lately? These are the things that matter right now... they matter today. This is where you will find your "detachment"... not from "doing things (no contact, ignoring, acting "as if", etc)... the real detachment comes from within yourself, not from "ideas".
I think it was wise V who once said detaching is more about re-attaching to your own life. I think this perspective helps because if we are always thinking - I need to detach from them - it all remains about them. Whereas if we re-attach to our own life, friends, interests, passions and so on - without reference to the WAS and regardless of what they may be up to - it is all about us...
Hope this helps a little
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My W is perhaps a typical WW who is frustrated. I am typical LBH trying to hear but just hearing shouting and frustration as it becomes directd at me in anger.
We are discussing the school holidays and who has the kids, when et . I feel I am being played, but am taking some good advice to stop second guessing what she is up to (detach) and just take the kids and have fun.
However my WW gets frustrated when I don't give her answers now or how she wants me to answer in terms of when I can have the kids - starting up a new business so I am probably coming accross as indecisive or cagey but I have explained I am not trying to be difficult I am just trying to take this into account also. Regardless, in a normal situation this is no big deal. However, this is not normal and my WW typically gets very frustrated - a lot, over simple things.
She did on the puns just now and started escalating raising her voice, talking down, being a way that she would not get away with, with others. I need to come up with a better way of handling this. Today I got to a point and said "sorry your style of communicating right now isn't working for me and put the phone down - I did this pretty calmly - no drama." Then got texted and returned with "Sorry but this isn't working for me now. Let's talk later". I need something that I stick to. Any thoughts on how to handle this as I am sick to death of feeling like a doormat whilst my WW escalates a typically civil discussion in to global thermo-neuclear meltdown firing 'weapons hot' as I take it. B@lls to that. I need some help with this boundary please. Something based on experience that worked.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
I have a lil experience with the W going to "global thermo-nuclear meltdown firing 'weapons hot'" department over things that can and should be handled civilly.
My suggestions are first, Focus on your feelings when she does this. Identify that the feelings you sense are your instincts and a lifetime of habitual reactions to such a thing. This is important because as you identify your internal instinct, then you can take the steps to control your reactions. Second, Come up with a short list of statements and ways to react calmly and maturely so that you know what you will do when she goes thermal nuclear. Be sure some of the reactions you will have are general and can apply to almost any blow up. This is important because you will be caught off guard on occasion in ways you never could even have imagined. Third Remain calm no matter what your reaction is. Even if you stumble , if you do so calmly you will be better for it. And finally, you will remove yourself from the situation until she can conduct herself in a calm mature manner.
Your reaction in your post is a good one. Similar to one I have used several times. She will start to get it, even if it enfuriates her at first.
I hope this helps. The fury of a scorned woman is a scary thing for a LBH. But in time you will gain confidence with taking this approach. I have and now the explosions are getting smaller and further away, because she knows I will not stand and listen to it, nor does she get anything out of it. Basically like a child throwing a tantrum. State the boundary, walk away, let it run its course and then rinse and repeat.
Good luck brother. You are taking the right approach IMHO.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
She did on the puns just now and started escalating raising her voice, talking down, being a way that she would not get away with, with others. I need to come up with a better way of handling this. Today I got to a point and said "sorry your style of communicating right now isn't working for me and put the phone down - I did this pretty calmly - no drama."
and again, amazing the similarities between our W's actions...
Often towards the beginning of my DB'ing, my lack of argument, disagreement, defensiveness, and choice to just listen, validate, and empathize with her, CONFUSED THE LIVING SH1T OUT OF HER, which sometimes resulting in a calming attitude, but more often than not, her confusion of my change in actions would make her angry because she didn't understand why things were not going as expected (defensive, arguing, fighting, etc)... It's hard for them, because it's just "different", and people are afraid of things that do not make sense to them, fear leads to uncontrollable emotions and actions...
Shortly after that, she got to the point where validating was not even something I could do with the nonsense that was coming out of her mouth. Screaming, Yelling, Cussing, Insults, you name it, I stood there at took it all like a dummy, thinking "how can I validate this?"... The truth is YOU CANT. Once it gets to that point, it's time to lay down the boundary. It took me about 3 instances of my W "laying into me" before I realized something was really wrong. The first time I stuck to my boundary of not participating in conversations involving her lude actions, I "walked away"... it was met with more anger ("oh sure, walk away, that's what you always do"), etc.
The second time, same thing, more yelling, cussing, etc. The third time... I received a text from her stating, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to say hateful things but I just get so angry and emotional. I will try to control myself around you from now on."
There's been a few instances of raised voices and cussing, but she knows that I won't put up with anything I see as "over the line".
You're doing the right thing in stating your boundary, and then sticking to it. Don't let her lay into you with rage for no good reason other than she's lost control of herself.
I told you I'd comment back on the detachment thing, and how I think people on these forums have the process all wrong, but I'm about to head to IC right now and I'll post when I get back. There are a few people that understand it on here, and unfortunately, I think it's one of those things that is almost unexplainable in nature, like, you won't know it, until you've reach it, and until you reach it, there is no defined path on how to get there...
Sotto makes the good point up there, and it really isn't about "detaching from someone"... it's about "re-attaching to yourself, that's a great way to put it, so thanks to Sotto for pointing that out, and thanks to Vanilla as well, a much simpler version of what I was conjuring up. But I've done a lot of reading and writing on the topic, so I'll post my own thoughts when I get back from IC.
Also SuperHawk makes a good point that I left out about dealing with boundaries: Second, [quote=SH_Come up with a short list of statements [/quote] and just to add on this a bit, PRACTICE THEM. This may sound silly, but I can remember a couple instances where I knew "how" to remain calm and say what I had wrote down I wanted to say, but choked under the pressure. When someone's pushing all your buttons to make you go mad, it's hard to stick to plan. Come up with statements for different scenarios, and practice them, once you figure it out, it becomes second nature and you can deal with the fluxuations.
