Have I been making mistakes too long part 9

[tkdmme]

I understand doodler but let me give you an example.

Me: Can the kids stay over tonight. I will have them at your house at 6 in the morning.

W: I don't think that's a good idea. So no.

What am I to say to that? She gives no reasons other than I don't think that's a good idea.

[doodler]

tkdmme,

I don't exactly what to tell you, so I'll tell you what worked for me.

My wife became a bad @ss bully during the slow slog toward separation and divorce. Of course, I was hoping that neither would happen and she used that for all it was worth (i.e. lots of cake eating). I didn't know how to set boundaries primarily because I didn't know how to create actionable consequences. Then I realized that my wife is the perfect example to follow. How did she handle consequences? She makes certain that if she doesn't like something she release a holy-h3ll of terror until things go in her favor.

So what did I do? I adopted her approach and juiced it full of steroids. Let's call it tough love. If she starts into her sh*t, then I hand it back tenfold and there's no question who's going to limp away. I have near zero tolerance for any WW bullsh*t. If I even feel like she's trying to give me a little push, I'm very quick to stifle the transgression. She's generally a timid puppy these days.

Is that DB? I don't know. Will that lead to reconciliation? I don't know. But, one thing I know with absolute certainty is that she'll never walk all over me ever again. I'm good with that.

[tkdmme]

Wow!!

That is awesome doodler. I heard the battle hymn of the republic in the background as I read your post. Im sick of being walked on and treated like I don't matter. I pay for everything and get treated as if I don't exist. She still has keys to my house and comes in when im not there. She has left all of her junk for me to clean up.

The crazy thing is, I don't put with BS at work or from anyone else involved in my life so why do I put up with it from her?

Thanks for the advice.

[roist]

I agree with doodler. Inform yourself on your rights. Knowledge is power.

Regardless of your rights, stand up and take charge of your life. Take no BS, especially from W.

Unless it suits you for some reason, tell W you want your keys back. I would keep that separate form kid chat. And it is v important to not be resentful or spiteful when doing so. They are YOUR keys for YOUR house and YOU want them back.

I can understand not wanting to make kids rise earlier, but if ye were divorced and custady legalised,

[roist]

I didn't press submit!!

Anyway if officialised, it would be like that anyway. Just how much earlier are you talking about?

If W says that it is not a good idea, say it is not only her opinion that counts.do a bat call for Wonka who is great at how to phrase stuff.

Best wishes

[sandi2]

So what did I do? I adopted her approach and juiced it full of steroids. Let's call it tough love. If she starts into her sh*t, then I hand it back tenfold and there's no question who's going to limp away. I have near zero tolerance for any WW bullsh*t. If I even feel like she's trying to give me a little push, I'm very quick to stifle the transgression. She's generally a timid puppy these days.

Is that DB? I don't know. Will that lead to reconciliation? I don't know. But, one thing I know with absolute certainty is that she'll never walk all over me ever again. I'm good with that.

[tkdmme]

roist,

When they stay with me they will have to get up at 5:30am. I take them back to W and they go back to sleep until 7:30. I did this growing up. My parents didn't divorce but I lived way out in the sticks. My mother would drop me off at my grandmother's to catch the bus. I don't see it as a problem and the kids are no trouble getting up. Well, my D13 is not a fan but the boys don't mind at all. It seems to me that the W is the one who doesn't want to wake up.

As far as keys, im not sure how to "bat call" but I don't want her in my house when I am not there. Not that I have anything to hide from her but she has no business there unless im home.

She keeps taking things too without asking. She took the lawn mower and my drill last week without saying anything to me. I had to go get the mower and when I got it home I found that she had left it in the rain and ruined the carb. It was an old mower but that's not the point. I have no problem with her borrowing things if she needs them but I would like to know.

We also still share the same bank account. I know this is not a good idea but I still take care of all the bills for both of us. The problem comes in when she over spends and doesn't check with me to make sure that there is money to cover the spending. A make about 3 times what she makes. So, truthfully after bills are paid, she has no money. I know this is not my problem and m being taken advantage of.

Although it would be extremely weird for her to come home now, I would be willing to try to work it out. She still wants nothing to do with it so its not worth even thinking about at this point.

[roist]

For now don't worry think about her coming back.nOW think about what is best for NOW in current circumstances.

Yes you are being used as a meal ticket. But I imagine the courts would oblige that anyway if ye divorce. I would separate the account though and pay your agreed amount into it. I don't like the way she overspends without mentioning it. Firstly it is selfish and lacks respect. Secondly she has no consequence financially for leaving you. Thirdly she is walking all over you.

If she decides she wants a rolls Royce or a world trip, she could.This is about protecting you and also about empowerment. You have enabled her control. Stop enabling it and take your power back. Be careful not to be over zealous.

The same for the keys, lawn mower etc. You stated it above.You don't want her in your house when you are not there. So why are you letting her?

I understand these are simple things for me to write and probably much harder to implement. Many of us here let our W's call the shots during the M. Look where that got us! This may be a big effort to change a long time habit, but you can do it.

If this is a big change for you, it will be HUGE for her. Expect her not to like it and to push back.Be prepared, be firm but stay calm. Maybe over time she will respect your actions, but this is first and foremost about YOU respecting YOU and ensuring others do likewise.

As for the bat call, go to a thread she is currently active on ( maybe coconuts), post in her validation thread, or simply start a new thread " bat call for Wonka".

Best wishes. I will add that many success stories here passed by this step and the WAS later admitted it contributed to changing their view of lbs.

[tkdmme]

So I had the kids last night for the first time since school started and it went great. Although they didn't stay over, we were able to have dinner and hang out for a while. I had them home at 8:45. W was not there. I tried to call her but no answer. I had to drop them off with her mother.

[tkdmme]

Another successful weekend!

not much happened this weekend and no news is good news these days. Had a discussion with the W about selling the house. She agrees to start moving her stuff out and agreed to splitting the finances.

Things are still no fun and life has never been worse but im working through it.