Have I been making mistakes too long part 9

[tkdmme]

old thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...007#Post2690007

[MoveFrwd]

If them coming home means I have to deal with the w then so be it I think.

I can understand this line of thinking. Of course, they should be the highest priority. A few things to think about:

1) which is more important for your kids: where they are living or their parents' wellbeing?

2) If you knew W was going to move back out in 6 months, would you still want her and the kids to move in?

3) You said this on 5/31: Im done enabling her in the hopes that she may eventually come out of the fog. Do you not see this as enabling her?

[tkdmme]

Darknes,

If I knew she was going to leave in 6 months I would not want her to come back. I don't want to put the kids through that again.
And yes, this would be enabling her. She said that she hasn't decided whether to move back in or not. My messed up thinking tells me that if we were under the same roof, things might begin to change. I know this is flawed thinking.

The fact that she is even thinking of coming back leads me to believe that she is re-thinking the D. Also when we had dinner Friday night she told me that she found a birthday card that was sent to me by another woman. This made her mad. It kind of made me mad as well. There were several cards from my last birthday in my dresser drawer. She would of had to been snooping to find them. Again, this is another reason I think she is reconsidering D. Why else would she be snooping in my stuff?

I know im rambling im just torn on the whole idea. I want my kids home for sure but the idea of having such a negative person around all the time scares me.

[roist]

w doesn't get to decide if she moves back in. You do.

What do you want?

Before answering that you need to decide if what you want NOW will bring you closer or further from your goal to reconcile. Each situation is different soyou need to determine the best scenario for ye.

If you cannot determine that, just answer what do you want to do.

You have had a long struggle.Dont get knocked by possible good signs. Keep doing what you are doing. Don't roll out a red carpet and definetely don't roll over.

You must be excited at the prospect of your kids moving hone. Keep your emotions in check and a level head. Best wishes

[MoveFrwd]

If I knew she was going to leave in 6 months I would not want her to come back. I don't want to put the kids through that again.

If she moves in, what would you say the likelihood of her staying is? 50/50? Are those odds that you want for your kids?

She said that she hasn't decided whether to move back in or not.

Why do you automatically say YES? Maybe I want to move in with you...do you get any say in that?

My messed up thinking tells me that if we were under the same roof, things might begin to change.

The fact that she is even thinking of coming back leads me to believe that she is re-thinking the D.

Again, this is another reason I think she is reconsidering D. Why else would she be snooping in my stuff?

This is complete mind reading on your part. There are many reasons she could be making these decisions. But I think assuming that if she moves back, she will want to work on M will get you into BIG trouble.



Serious question: what has really changed since she moved out?

[tkdmme]

Roist,

Yes, it is very exciting to think that the kids may move back in.

Im not sure whether it will bring me closer to my goal or not but I do think that having my kids at home full time will keep me focused on what I need to do. When they are around I stay very busy with them.

darknes,

nothing has change with her since she moved out. in fact she seems to be worse. I have gone through hell and back since she has been gone. I am finally where I need to be and thought that maybe she sees it. I was kind of thinking that was why she is considering coming home.

I did tell her that I was hesitant to have her come back. I told her that with all I have been through, it would be hard for me to go back.

[EDF]

To me, her saying she isn't trying to reconcile but "she is open to the possibility" sounds like major cake eating.

Like you're the geeky loner in junior high, and one of the jocks is telling you he doesn't want to be your friend, but if you buy him lunch every day he will be "open to the possibility". Perhaps not a great deal for the kid

I understand the temptation, but if your ultimate hope is to see positive change in her, I think letting her avoid the consequences of her actions with no effort required on her part, is not going to help.

[tkdmme]

Thanks for all of the feed back.

After thinking this through and reading all of the replies I have come to the conclusion that im not ready for her to come home if she is not willing to work on the R.

Cake eating is an understatement at this point. She is a full blown user and im tired of being used for nothing more than money.

She insinuated the other night that the kids are so well behaved and smart because of her mothering skills. Like I had nothing to do with raising them. Comments like this really upset me and ive been hearing it for years. Yes, she did the lions share of the parenting but I work long hours in a stressful environment in order to give my family the things I didn't have. I looked at my role in the M like a lot of other husbands do. I was and still am the provider and I have done a great job of it. Yes, I could have been a better husband and participated in more in the day to day raising of the kids. I guess I got complacent.

[Natus]

You didnt get complacent, you were doing what you needed to do to be a dad. Unless you were out hanging and prioritizing other stuff outside of working hours you have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact i'd stick up for that right.

[tkdmme]

Thanks for the reply Natus.

I was a go to work and come home type of guy. I still am really. Having said that, I did spend time after work indulging in hobbies and working in the garage. Nothing extreme though. I always ate dinner with the family and tucked the kids into bed every night. There were times that I didn't attend dinner at her family's house and there were times that I just didn't want to be around any one. I am have a loner type personality for the most part. Especially if something is bothering me. The nature of my job is very stressful and confrontational. The last thing I wanted to do when I got home was talk about my day. I kept a lot of things bottled up.

The W was the opposite. She wanted to tell me every little thing that happened throughout the day and how this one or that one had done her wrong in some way. I know I should have been more attentive and supportive when she told me these things but the stories would go on and on.

I haven't spoke to her in 3 days now and I am wondering hat she is thinking regarding her moving back in. im having a hard time resisting the urge to call her today.