I'm feeling very lonely and confused with all I am reading and thinking about. I'm 5 weeks post BD2 when I saw messages to another different woman from his AA group. He'd had her and other a over to our place for a bonfire just two weeks prior so I do know her a bit.
I confronted him right away and he was not forthcoming when given the chance. I told him the facts as I knew them and he agreed and spoke of knowing it was a temporary feel good just like the booze and food used to do for him. We talked about it as another form of addiction. I was calm and took days before I cried with my C. He said he would end it but last Saturday I heard from someone who saw them together in the restaurant my D16 works in! I was mad. I have said nothing about this as I felt like he's just got home after the "lovely" time with her and if I laid into him, it would only prove home was not a great place to be. A week prior to this past Saturday we had a huge fight when he got home from "work"... I told him I was struggling with my emotional and needed to know if he was still seeing her. He blew up in a rage I have not seen in years. I stood my ground but could not stop myself from commenting and defending myself. Example. He.. I'm not leaving this time. You can leave! Me.. I'm not leaving. If u have someone else, go be with her. And He.. you are always too emotional and I've been sick of it for years and years. Me.. that's hardly fair to not communicate all this to me when I asked about or connection or other specific issues. Have you not noticed the changes in me over the last year? He.. well I don't trust it. We just don't trust each other any more. I finally walked away cos there was no true solution or ending. He was very angry and very short with me, when he did talk to me for two days. I had started 180 a few days before and went further in from that fight on. I did not do things for him, no beg plead etc, I went in others rooms of the house and stayed busy. I spoke very pleasantly when he asked a question or spoke first, I kept it short. When he softened his tone and words I responded with pma and attention. I acknowledged his good deeds like bringing me morning coffee one day when I had an early morning and he did not have to get up. We have been in separate bed since the day of the fight. He's been more helpful, had to do his own laundry and even came to my room one evening and said, oh, I just wanted to see where you were. Positive I know but I'm not getting my hopes up too soon, like before. Whats hard and confusing for me is that line between staying in 180 and a good relationship building connection. I caved yesterday and said to him in the morning, that I was missing our touches and kissing hi and bye each day. I asked if we could do that again and he said," yes,we can do that." He has made an effort to do this as I have not sought him out. He came into my room this morning to chat and say good bye and kiss prior to work. We've had a great deal of stress in recent years with his weight loss surgery, transfer addiction to alcohol affair #1 that lasted two years then two more as EA, then alcohol treatment after almost losing his job and us. We separated after his suicide attempt as he was still drinking and I did not want the kids exposed to the addictions further. After eight months we reunited after his completion of rehab. During his time in rehab I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery two weeks after his return. Last August there was chemo and then December was radiation so many trips to the city for treatments. January to March things seemed good with us. Sex was lacking but I was still exhausted and didn't think of it much. April he started EA and went PA in May.
Sorry so long. These are the highlights. The fight was a turning point for me and GAL as I learned more about his beefs with me and our life. I realised how much of myself I lost in the kids and home and him and I am no mystery nor conquest for him. I am open to any and all suggestions and support.
Colleen M 21 T 23 BD1 February 2014 BD2 may 2016 S18 , D16 Living in same house different bedrooms
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks cadet. I've been lurking on these boards a while and have read most of the links you sent. I'm reading DB and just got DR. I think the detaching is going well, I'm just not sure about how much h is too much when responding to WH when he is seeing nice like mulch old H. Ideas?
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks cadet. I've been lurking on these boards a while and have read most of the links you sent. I'm reading DB and just got DR. I think the detaching is going well, I'm just not sure about how much h is too much when responding to WH when he is seeing nice like mulch old H. Ideas?
Stick with the mantra of believing nothing he says and half of what he does. Responding is likely not to revela the results you desire.
Ok. Thank you. Not to worry about browser history. I use a locked tablet. I will continue to hide the books. The first chapter seemed like something I would have liked to share with him at some point as it was so straightforward on working on the marriage. I won't now.
Col Me 53 H 48
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Col -- just wanted to drop you a quick note of support. You were very kind to drop in on my newcomer thread. I'm a newby and know very little to tell you by way of practical advice, but I can certainly offer my support and good vibes. I hope you find peace as soon as it can possibly be found. Take care.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Much appreciated JRuss. Focusing on me and not his possible reaction is not habit yet, but when it does work out I feel better, at least for a bit. Getting positive feelings under my belt is important for my energy and stamina for the long haul. All the best to you! Col
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Col, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and I'm going to tread lightly because I don't have much experience in dealing with a hibitual addict. What I will say is I've never read any situation where I thought it was more important for the LBS to focus on themselves. I don't think you said, but there doesn't seem to be kids involved, so you don't have child care to deal with, so I'd suggest you start finding things that make you happy and go do them. By your story, I'm pretty sure your far away from a city, so it may be difficult, but you need to put in the work and find your happiness.
What did you do before you got M? I've never lived in the country, so my exp. is limited on what there is to do, so I don't know what to suggest. What do you do now for fun? Do you have friends that you hang out with, maybe game nights and such. Do you hunt or go off-roading?
Your husband seems to have an addiction problem, and right now he seems addicted to going outside your M, take yourself out of the equation and I don't think it will be as addictive. Make yourself unattainable and maybe he will become addicted to winning you back.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hi Col, I'm a newcomer too. My husband hasn't been to rehab, but I do think he overdrinks, and he comes from a long line of alcoholics. I don't think there has been an affair, you are stronger than me for sticking through that. I don't have any advice, but I did want to let you know you're not alone. I struggle figuring out the 180 as well, it's quite an adjustment for me. Hang in there.
