This is my story. I have been with my wife for 11 years and married for 9. We have 3 kids. I was in the military when we first met so we moved from her home state to across the US. A few years ago I got out of the military and got a job in law enforcement. We have had our ups and downs, but we have always pulled through. About six months ago I noticed my wife start to drink heavily. I asked her what was wrong many times but she would say everything was ok. Then she stopped drinking. I noticed she was getting more distant and began playing her video games more. It got to a point where I couldn't talk to her without her wearing headphones. She began to recoil from my touch. We hadn't been intimate this entire time. I began to buy her flowers weekly and went and bought her everything she wanted but no change. Then about a month ago I asked a question I deeply regret. I asked her if she loved me. Of course the answer was no. She wanted to take the kids and go back to her home state that night.I was confused because I never knew things were that bad. I convinced her to stay by agreeing to just be friends and raise our kids together. I only did this because I was convinced I could win her back quickly. We made an agreement that we wouldn't let things become hostile between us. I spent the next couple of days trying to show her that I love her I even told her that she was the only woman I would ever love and the only woman I ever wanted to be with.
That created a huge fight mostly from her. I stayed calm as long as I could and then I turn to beer. I created a dating profile and made sure she would see it because I thought that jealousy was somehow Spark some interest in me again. It didn't then I started talking to a woman we didn't talk about anything important. That didn't make her jealous either. Turns out within a few hours of us "breaking up" one of her online friends who is half her age and lives in another country began telling her he liked her and she told him he liked her too. I broke it off with the woman I was talking to. I started to do everything I could to win her back and I kept telling her that I do love her and I want her back this isn't working. I snooped her phone and saw the messages after it had been going on for about a week. I saw all the I love yous and kissy faces it still makes me sick to this day thinking about it. I confronted her and she acted like it was no big deal because they can never be physically together. She began demanding more and more space and declaring I was smothering her. I stop trying to look at her stuff because frankly it would make me sick to see it. I have told her many times that this guy's a mistake and that she's having an emotional affair.
I told her that if she ever wanted to be with me again she would have to cut him out completely. She feels no shame about him and refuses to cut him out saying she just can't stop it with him. She tells me that their friends but there is an emotional connection there. Every now and again she tells me that this was all my fault. What hurts me the most is that I know he's manipulating her because he's doing exactly the same thing I did too lonely women in my early twenties.
She began lying to me a lot about dumb things and ignoring any text messages I sent for hours. I know they recently begun sending pictures and videos back and forth to each other but then being intimate with themselves. Everytime I think I begin to accept it something happens that Sparks a little bit of Hope between us and she quickly that's just the way. This puts me right back at square one where she's all I can think about and I'm worried constantly. It makes it hard for me to focus at work. I told my mom and her sister about this and they both have tried to convince her that this is a mistake but that didn't work either. She talks about how they are taking it slow but I've already told her that is as far as it can possibly go because he's not going to move for her because he has a child and no job and he certainly got not going to move to America from England.
I know she doesn't believe me and she refuses to stop talking to him. The other day she said something offhand about leaving and it broke me. I told her that if she ever left me I would fight for custody of the children. She had a mental breakdown began crying.
We talked again but she calm down and we decided to stay together but she still won't give up the other guy she added a few hateful things like that she would never be back together again with me no matter what happened with this guy. I don't know if it what's the hate and pain that caused her to say that. I feel like she flaunts him in front of me just to torture me even more. She began to act like our entire marriage was terrible and that I always made her feel like she was insignificant.
Right now nothing I do or say matters I come home from a long day at work she gets up and immediately starts to berate me over every single small perceived slight. She tells me that every single one of these just prove to her that she is insignificant. I remain calm throughout all of this but on the inside I'm dying. Then she goes right back to messaging him.
At this point I don't know if there's any hope left for us and I love her and I want her back but I don't know what to do. I've been trying everything I can to win her back but working out being really nice and doing all the things that she said I should have done to begin with but it's not working and I feel like I'm fighting alone.
At this point I almost want to just start dating again because I can't take the stress of this much longer. I know if I go on even one date I'll probably torpedo any chance of a future with her. I just can't live like this very much longer and I don't know what to do. Thank you everyone for reading this post any suggestions are desperately needed.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/25/1609:31 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Glad you found these forums. I know where you are. I have been there too. It is hell. I wish this place didn't exist. But it does.
Here's the thing. You can't control her. You can only control you. This is the crux of DB.
It can take a while to get this. Most people start by hoping DB is some advanced technique to get their WAS to change their behavior. But it isn't. There isn't one. You cannot change her behavior. I'll keep saying it. You can have your sister talk to WW. Your mom. You can give her speeches. You can write letters. You can go crazy. But you can't change her behavior. You can't. I'll keep repeating it because it is so hard to accept, but so important.
What's the point of DB then?
Well, there's two points. One point is that while you can't control her to come back, there are a lot of things that you can do to push her away further, there are a lot of things you can do to make them worse. And funny enough, trying to control or influence her behavior is at the heart of all of the things that will drive her away. Anytime you find yourself wanting to do something "to get her to..." you are on the wrong track. To get her to see. To get her to admit. To get her to stop. To get her to understand. To get her to feel. To get her to want to. To get her to get her to get her. Stop. Anytime you try to get her to do anything you will come across as controlling, and she will in turn want more space from you and will be more rebellious.
The other point is that DB is about giving you some ideas of how you can control yourself. So you can look back in 2 years and sleep soundly at night knowing you did the best you could in a hard spot. So your life is rebuilt and you are in a good spot, regardless of how your WW behaves or what she chooses to do. I will give you a couple of things that have helped me. You can read them quickly and nod, but it will take months or years for you to really understand. But maybe I can plant a seed now that will help for later.
1. You can't expect her to let go of her dependence on OM if you can't let go of your dependence on her. You're focusing on her dependence. Focus on yours. Lead by example.
2. If you can't find a way to enjoy your life with all you've been given...if you are so unappreciative that you look at God and tell him that despite your family, your health, your children, your employment, your friends, your hobbies, and everything else you've been given, you can't enjoy your life and will be unhappy forever without the marriage you want...if you're THAT unappreciative...well, having some woman change how she feels about you won't solve that problem anyway.
Those are the keys. Start detaching. Start letting go of seeing yourself through her eyes. Start looking in the mirror, and trusting your own judgment about who you are and what you value is. I'd HIGHLY recommend a DB coach. Highly.
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At this point I almost want to just start dating again because I can't take the stress of this much longer. I know if I go on even one date I'll probably torpedo any chance of a future with her. I just can't live like this very much longer and I don't know what to do. Thank you everyone for reading this post any suggestions are desperately needed.
What makes you think it's ok for you to date? Because you are in pain? Because you want comfort? How can you expect her to act with character if you can't? Act with the character you wish she had. If you can't do it, it's not fair for you to expect her to. Be a leader.
What you must do is own your journey. Yours. Even if things don't look like they are going the way you want them to. Even if you don't get the marriage you want. Even if she is a total brat. Even if she betrays you and hurts you. None of that is fun, but none of that relieves you of your responsibility to be a strong man, father, and leader of your family.
Keep posting. Read everything you can. And one last thing- don't make any drastic actions. Right now your emotions are all over the place, like when you step on a scale and the needle bounces back and forth. Don't trust your emotions, don't act on them. Don't trust your thoughts, they are just rationalizations from your emotions. It's time to be still, STFU, post a lot, read a lot, and just try to live 90 days without doing anything destructive (like burning bridges, medicating, or making things worse).
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I agree with Zeus, I am in the same boat, my wife won't discontinue her EA. I did everything you did at first, after I got to these boards I changed my way of dealing with her. This board is a great help and the people have some great information!!
Hang in there!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Welcome to our community. Posting often will help in building your support group. There are many here who are in very similar situations as you find yourself. Please read all of the links Cadet gave you. It has information you need. You have a wayward wife, and there are several threads under the one Help for Newcomer LBH'S who have a WW.
What are the ages of you and W? Have either of you been in previous long term relationships?
She was giving all the signs of being in an Internet affair. Apparently, you never considered it, which tells me you had complete trust in her. Even when she wanted to leave with the kids immediately upon you asking if she loved you.........you never suspected? You may have found messages from this OM after the fight, but according to her actions, she was involved in some type of inappropriate contact with someone. It could have been some other guy, or even more than one.
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We made an agreement that we wouldn't let things become hostile between us. I spent the next couple of days trying to show her that I love her I even told her that she was the only woman I would ever love and the only woman I ever wanted to be with.
I find it interesting that you would agree to just be friends, and immediately start proclaiming your love for her. Now that you are aware of her Internet affair, I hope you will realize that showing your love to her will not cause her to want you. Your fear of losing her will tell you to outwardly show her more love, but you cannot listen to your emotions, and especially fear.
The second thing I hope you will quickly realize is that you cannot talk her into loving you. We can't make another person love us. Neither can you talk her out of her affair. The WW does not listen to you talking. She only watches actions.
You need a plan, b/c you cannot operate out of emotions. In order to develope an effective plan, you will need to learn a lot about DBing. You can read the links about detaching and boundaries. Get the book, Divorce Remedy.
Btw, does your W work outside the home?
Stick with us, and you will get help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Listen to Sandi chrisz... What she gives you is a map to the journey your going on.Choose to use that map and it will benefit you greatly. Very rarely to you get both sides to these sitch's ... Sandi's advice is that other side...dayum close to what your wife is thinking more than likely. Follow the advice of veterans and mod because they have a well worn path for you to travel.
Me:47 XW 43 D15 D10 Together 17 married 15 Bd : Mother's Day 2015 Sep :July 2015 Divorce final October 2016
Ok thanks for the input. To answer a few questions, I am 33 and she is 39. The Om is 24. I never saw this coming. She is unemployed (her choice) that is one of the things that angers me, I'd rather not pay everything for a woman who is busy giving her all to someone else while I wait like a monk. Also she has been having drastic mood swings, last night she was yelling at me about nothing, this morning she hugged me for 10 min. So confused right now.
Has she ever displayed drastic mood swings in the past?
I want you to understand how important it is that you not just sit there and allow her to scream and yell at you. It is an outward show of her disrespect for you. Shouting back at her is not the answer, either. What have you previously done when she would verbally vomit on you?
There is a place and a time to show patience and compassion for someone who may be reacting to a mental or physical problem. However, I find in many cases, these women know who can they scream at.......and who they can't. Know what I mean? If they get away with verbally attacking someone, they will do it again. If there is a consequence, they stop.
I suggest you study the link on boundaries. Don't jump into making any statements to her until you fully understand the principle and technique of setting boundaries.
Women are made in such a way that they have to feel respect for their H's before they can feel desire. Some women go for years having sex and going through the motions of a MR. However, there are little signs (or maybe big ones) that she's lost some respect for her H. It is seen in her attitude, the way she talks to him, her facial expressions (eye rolling, etc.), how she speaks about him to others, and how she treats him in front of his children. If there are signs of disrespect, I guarantee you she has lost her desire for you. Even if she has a high sex drive and wants it every night........her desire for "you" is not there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok,well this may seem naive, but I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the whole process. So I need to detach myself, but I'm still not sure how to do that without coming off as hostile. Then I guess I wait for her to come back while working on myself. What if she never comes back? I can't see myself living the rest of my life receiving no support while financially supporting her (and she gets the emotional from the om) I just don't know if I could spend the rest of my life without being emotionally and physically intimate with someone. I'm just trying to figure out how this process works. Thanks for your help
Update Well she finally started acting nice towards me, then really nice. Pretty soon she was cuddling with me. She told me the thing with the OM was never serious abs was over (didn't belive a word of that) last night we made love multiple times. She's now telling me she loves me. Holding my hand all that great stuff. But... all of a sudden she seems to have second thoughts asking questions like "should I have let it run its course?" Asking me for space again stuff like that. I'm pretty sure she chose me when she realized what she will lose, and I'm pretty sure she will ultimately choose me overall. If she goes back to him at all though I don't know if I could take it. My plan is to give her some space tonight and hope she gets over him. I really hope this is the right choice.
