Newcomer, anniversary

[NVBH]

Evening, thanks for the frank reply. I have read the DR book but not DB (ordered it). In fact, I went back through the DR book this evening trying to find a reference to a mother not desiring to see the children any longer in the midst of divorce.

At this point, my youngest just does not want to have anything to do with her (they have seen each other for less than 10 hours in the past three weeks). In the past, that would have made her so upset but it does not seem to even phase her now.

Cannot wait to read DB. The search for perspective continues.

[NVBH]

Im so sorry RSG, even though my wife is disengaged at least she is staying away where the boys can only speculate as to what she is doing. Still, it makes me so frustrated and angry, even from afar. Having it "in your face" must be painful.

My oldest is in a year round school program and having to go from always getting help from Mom to now (in the span of less than two weeks) not helping at all and not even being available to help is extremely hurtful and creating anger and resentment in him.

The amount of selfishness is incredible.

[Cadet]

did you read all of the homework that Cadet gave to you in his initial post?

YES ^^^^^^ - I am not sure this is in DR/DB.

And you will remain confused until you look at all this stuff with a beginners mind part of DR/DB.

To simply answer your question I would say depression and selfishness.
Until you understand these concepts again you will be confused.
Depression can be either overt(obvious) or covert (hidden),
and depending on the type will dictate the symptoms she displays.
Also this may vary as time moves along.

Dont feel bad that you dont understand it all yet.
Have you ever gone to college or gotten a PHD?
On day 1 you did not understand enough to graduate.

Trust the process.

[CT1118]

Evening, thanks for the frank reply. I have read the DR book but not DB (ordered it). In fact, I went back through the DR book this evening trying to find a reference to a mother not desiring to see the children any longer in the midst of divorce.

Cannot wait to read DB. The search for perspective continues.

NVBH...the stuff about the WAW/WW ignoring the kids is not in DR/DB books. Those books give you perspective on how you can alter your thinking towards the sitch. Neither one of those books pretends to diagnose a person's symptoms.

Again, the links and posts Cadet provided is where you will begin to find the behavioral patterns - not only is your WAW's actions predictable right now, so are yours. Some search terms for the Internet along the lines of WIfe in MLC, Spouses of MLC, women who leave a marriage, etc will be of interest to you. The majority of the sites are geared toward women understanding why men leave or why men have an MLC, so you will have to dig.

And again, read what Cadet wrote above and those links. I cannot lie, this is your new college degree.

[maybs]

These WWs are so selfish, they put away everything that matters. They basically have to relearn what matters vs what's a distraction or what's toxic.

Very well put. I feel like this just clicked right into place in my mind while going through all of this.

[sandi2]

It would help if you told us your story. What are the ages of you and W? How long have you been together? Kids and ages? Tell us some of the marital history and when things turned bad.

[ForGump]

NVBH -- you should think twice about sending that message to your W. Look at what Wonka suggested here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2694162&#Post2694162

That kind of message would be better, where you did not engage in a discussion about your R at all. But it all depends on what your W sent in the first place, which I don't think you provided......

[NVBH]

Added some history to my signature. Long story short, story book romance followed by marriage then chased our dreams. Kids soon thereafter and things started to change after the second was born. Found several journal entries indicating she did not want a second child (NIGHTMARE!!).
My father died.
Her father died.

SO much pain in such a short time, no way to recover and stabilize emotionally and things started to spiral. Worked like crazy to try and recover but it appeared as thought the MLC was settling in and "nothing was ever good enough".

GALing like crazy with tons of 180s. As time in the separation passes, less communication (painful) along with markedly less time with the boys (heartbreaking).

At the moment, no idea what is going on. Essentially, completed abandoned her family (including two puppies).

[NVBH]

I ultimately decided not to send anything thanks to all the great advice from here.

The one thing I have to start doing better is ONLY "apologizing for things that warrant an apology". I tend to go overboard when validating and end up feeling horrible.

Great example, she has stopped taking care of the puppies altogether. On the days she was "supposed" to have them, I have not been able to get any "day care" for them so there has been a few accidents. When W found out she indicated "the puppies were pooping all over the place". Should I apologize, nope, out of my control in the near term. Did I apologize, yes. Feel like it was a mistake.

[CT1118]

Great example, she has stopped taking care of the puppies altogether. On the days she was "supposed" to have them, I have not been able to get any "day care" for them so there has been a few accidents. When W found out she indicated "the puppies were pooping all over the place". Should I apologize, nope, out of my control in the near term. Did I apologize, yes. Feel like it was a mistake.

Dogs take dumps on the rug, especially puppies, you are not really angry, just disappointed by what you already knew would happen coming true. Its your rug, she left. You may be insinuating the wrong question - may I propose are the dogs worth keeping at this time? They are puppies - puppies are adorable, they have a strong chance of being loved by someone else. Is this the right time for you to adopt animals? Can you be there for them, give them a good life? I had to ask the same about my dog, which is really my WW's dog. He does not really even like me, he tolerates me. I feel the same about him, but he is 8 and he is really not that charming. He took multiple dumps on the rug of my new apartment when I first moved in. I was ready to get rid of him and WW said she loved him, but was in no place to care for him. I knew he would not be adopted so I resolved to do a better job of caring for him and so far its been good and no dumps on the rug since I took action with my choice. I realized, it wasn't about the dog - yeah, her dog, yeah, she bails so burden on me, yeah sht on the rug...it was about me making a choice and my choice was that even though I don't really like this no personality, uninteresting dog, I was not able to take him to his medically initiated death so I chose to give him a better life - that was me, my conscience. Main point - you have choices here NVBH. Its not about your WAW who was "supposed" to have them, its not about you apologizing for a a young animal who cannot control its own bowels all day, its about you - she left two month ago. Make a choice on these puppies, its your choice. I'm not swinging a 2x4 here man, or not trying to at least, but seriously, your post ended with a story about animals left alone because neither you or your WAW are able to care for them and your concern was over whether or not your WAW was upset about them shtting in the house. Sorry man, my dog is dull, but I decided he is my dog - know what I mean?