Newcomer, anniversary

[NVBH]

After a couple of months of detaching and being pretty good (I have to be honest) about going dark, received a long email message from my wife about how the things that are going on in our separation. Specifically, about the "devastating impact" of the past few years of our marriage and how the "changes" I am making with the boys (during the separation) should have been done long ago.

Do I validate and respond or simply stay dark and ignore?

[Cadet]

After a couple of months of detaching and being pretty good (I have to be honest) about going dark, received a long email message from my wife about how the things that are going on in our separation. Specifically, about the "devastating impact" of the past few years of our marriage and how the "changes" I am making with the boys (during the separation) should have been done long ago.

Do I validate and respond or simply stay dark and ignore?

What do you want to do?
What do you want to write?

Maybe write it out here first and get some comments.
There is no hurry to respond.

[NVBH]

Cadet, that is a great idea! thank you!

I DO want to write but absolutely no idea how to respond. Will consider and ask for commentary.

[NVBH]

I decided not to respond to the vast majority of points even though I wanted to desperately.

My thought process was, "why argue perspective when there is not way I can, or want to, change it?" Heartbreaking but necessary.

Left it at this: "There is no way I could completely understand what you went through, I am sorry. What I saw was the pain and I was, and am, "broken" and devastated I could not do anything to stop it. Call it ego, stubbornness, stupidity and.or anything else does not change the fact of where we are and the relationship, with you and the boys, should have been placed above everything at all times."

Trying to remember the "mantra", does anyone know it??

[ForGump]

"There is no way I could completely understand what you went through, I am sorry. What I saw was the pain and I was, and am, "broken" and devastated I could not do anything to stop it. Call it ego, stubbornness, stupidity and.or anything else does not change the fact of where we are and the relationship, with you and the boys, should have been placed above everything at all times."

The overall apologetic sentiment is OK but ... I would word a couple of things differently.

I wouldn't say "there is no way I could completely understand ..." And I wouldn't volunteer any self-bashing adjectives, and say something about where you're headed. How about:

I am so sorry for what I have done. I am beginning to understand what I have put you through. I am broken and devastated that we are where we are. I should have placed you and the boys above all else long ago. I have been reflecting on who I had become in the last few years, and have been thinking about who I'd like to be. I'm working on setting a new course to make myself a better person, regardless how everything turns out.

Is that too cheesy? I think you were good to leave out any direct pleas for her to reconsider or take you back.

[NVBH]

WOW! That was fabulous. Much better than my version.

Thanks so much.

So here is another observation. Wife moves out early June. As time has passed, she has increasingly spent less time with the 2 boys (15, 11) to a point where they have been with me for a week and she did not come get them the day before yesterday (no calls, no nothing, total silence). Anyone experience this?

Seems so not what she was as a mother.

[Cadet]

Anyone experience this?

Yes many have experienced it.

Part of the script.

[NVBH]

Cadet, really?

I am talking starting at 50/50 and progressing in less than two months to a point where they are with me almost 100% of the time.

Don't get me wrong, it is a complete joy but I am wondering if someone could elaborate on how.why it is "part of the script".

So confused.

[CT1118]

NVBH, I just read your story. I am going to begin with my sentiments that you have to be here. Next I will ask you a valuable question that was asked of me when I first got here a month ago...did you read all of the homework that Cadet gave to you in his initial post? Have you bought and read the DB/DR books? If not, get to work. Further advice I was told, don't let your WAW know you are here and don't let her find out by accident.

Now, what Cadet was referring to, and you will understand this when you begin your reading, is that all WW's and WAW's tend to fall into some type of predictable pattern. Sure, everyone's story has some slight variations, but for the most part the similarities are astonishing. So when Cadet mentions its part of the script, he is pointing out that what your WAW is doing by ignoring the kids is not only not uncommon, it is predictably normal. There is a lot of reading to do - get going and get educated. Does not mean don't post while you read, it means don't rely solely upon our comments for your help. Learn about GAL too, you have yet to mention that and what you are doing.

FWIW, I did not acknowledge my anniversary last month and neither did my WW, and it does not matter, you can't celebrate what ain't there my man.

Lastly, we are not "experts", this is a support group with people in various stages of M's gone bad - some have rebuilt the R's, some have moved on, most are in limbo, but all of us are trying to be better...welcome my friend.

[RSG]

Brother, my wife was a helicopter parent. She didn't just have to know what our boy was doing, she had to be with him at all times. She was a great Mom. I called her Supermom.

She spent 6mos leaving him every night from 5-8 with me. Every weekend, she'd spend all day talking to and meeting up with inappropriate people. She'd get trashed. Refuse to play with him at the park. Scream at him because he didn't go to sleep an hour early because she "had to" leave. She didn't care. It's gotten slightly better since she left, but over the last 2 weeks she's had him overnight for 2-3 days. When he runs into my arms to give me a big bear hug, she gets jealous. He used to be a big Mama's boy, and it made me smile and laugh. Now he's all about Daddy.

These WWs are so selfish, they put away everything that matters. They basically have to relearn what matters vs what's a distraction or what's toxic.

It's made me angry, seeing how little effort she puts into him now. Even though it's getting better, during the few times we've spent together I'll see her engage a little and then stuff her face into her phone and he plays with me. It's hard, because you know the kid still loves them just as much as before. It's also hard to put more and more of your energy into being #1 for the kids, and less into wondering why/what the W is thinking.

Enjoy the time with your kids. They won't forget it, and neither will you. My boy is exhausting. He's also my greatest therapy, fun, loving and an adventure. My relationship with him is off the charts. And for that I'm so very thankful!