Will link my previous post, out on my mobile phone at the moment.
Just finished my final IC session and was startled by some of the things that came out of it.
She all but told me that I need to take back control and go and get all my things out of the house, she also said that I need to initiate a conversation around D as she believes my W is burying her head in the sand and not facing up to her actions.
She thinks that timing is crucial and believes that I need to bring the subject up before she goes to Boston. My IC said that I shouldn't feel like I need to go through with the D but the fact I'm thinking about it would send a message to my W that I'm taking control back and she's not having it all her way.
I find what your IC said to be interesting, I'm no professional, but I don't understand how bringing up D puts you in control. What if you bring it up and she says Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea, let's do it... Then who's in control? I'm just not sure.
Did your IC talk at all about taking back control of your happiness, your emotions, your life? I'm not saying your IC is right or wrong, I just don't know how it would put you in control. Boundaries would give you control of what you would and wouldn't accept, and if D was a consequence, then that would be some sort of control, but I think just discussing D wouldn't give any control.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
In my IC's words I've been a "doormat" in our R for a long time and have always been afraid to challenge my W and let my opinions be heard. She is of the opinion that my W is fully expecting me to remain silent and let her do as she pleases safe in the knowledge that she has a 'Plan B' waiting in the wings as I have a history of being passive.
In my IC's opinion me initiating conversation regarding D sends a clear signal to my W that I'm willing to speak up for myself and that I'm not willing to be anyone's 'Plan B' which is very much like the man I used to be.
For the record I will also agree that I'm unsure if it is the right or wrong thing to do but it gave me food for thought.
Kyle, set up boundaries, that will help keep your wife from walking all over you. Talking about D isn't going to help, but telling your W that if she sees other people your going to D (if that is what you would do, don't say that just to try and stop her) would put you in control of that sitch. But if you set a boundary and don't follow through, Doormat. I know, I set a boundary and then backed off, I'm still afraid that is going to backfire on me.
Telling your W that if she goes out of the country when she's supposed to be watching your daughter your going to file for sole custody (I don't even know if that's an option, just an idea) would put you in control. FYI, these are extreme and not recommended, but I worry that you wouldn't get the idea if I put small boundaries. Re-read the boundary link cadet gave you on first page of sitch, they are about getting control of your life.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh, and rather than telling your W your not going to wait around (which won't work), show her... GAL like a mthrfckr, have fun, do you... Then you won't hang on her every word, you won't react to what she says or does. If you don't want to be plan B, then make it so, prepare yourself to move on, then do so when your ready.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
So just found out that my W was speaking to a friend last night about divorcing me. She said its something she is thinking about but doesn't want to do it yet as I seem like I'm in a better place and she doesn't want to set me back.
What reason has she got to lie to her best friend? She wants to file for divorce, quite clear that.
You're missing the point. You're right - she wants to file for divorce right now. But that doesn't MATTER.
She is running on pure emotion right now. She's working off of her feelings. But feelings can change. Are you always happy? Tired? Hungry? Cold? So just because she feels something today doesn't mean she will feel the same tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next month, etc.
The point is that in order to potentially reconcile with her, you need to look inwards and work on you. Let go of your fear and your need for control. She's going to do whatever she's going to do. The only chance she turns around is if you are the Kyle that she'd be a fool to leave.
It's funny because I feel more at peace with my whole sich now I know she's thinking of divorce then I ever have.
I've spent so long analysing every word she's said and looking for any signs of hope. I feel that knowing she's thinking of divorce has given me the closure I need.
