I am going to break every DB rule in the books

[Gabs]

Hi Gabs. Read you recent post and my pennies worth is a year is a very short time frame but you must live your life as you want

Can I ask why you decided to post on here again because you don't belove DB has worked for you so why tell the forum what your going to do. It's a serious question because if you had already written the letter and W had changed her mind I think a lot of us would appreciate that iknowledge but as it is you knew the response you would get

Yes you can ask anything. first to clarify, I'm not syaing "DB hasn't worked" for me. as I have said, there are many things I have learned here. the basic ideas of not pursing, working on myself, giving her space, etc. have helped me a lot. I would have written 10 letters by now if I had not come to DB.

As for your W saying you will move on with a new lady , , I'm like yourself , I have made no overtures to my WW about coming home and in fact shut down any efforts on her part to bring up R talk yet she has made it quite clear she does not wish me to move on with someone else. I'm almost two years into this now. If my WW had wanted back then she would have to make it abundantly clear and I wouldn't feel there would be much of a chance of a new R unless she did regardless of my actions

I'm confused, you want your wife back? She has indicated that she doesn't want you to move on with someone else? why would she indicate that, unless she wants to be with you? I understand that you want her to make it abundantly clear what she wants. This is just my two cents. If I were you, ultimately wanting to reconcile, and she was telling me not to be with another person, I would take that as an invitation. I wouldn't sit back and wait for her to make things abundantly clear. I would ask her why she doesn't want you to be with someone else. A conversation along these lines might open the door to what you have been waiting for. Just my two cents.

I'm 21 years M and 27 years in together

you are one of the few people here that come close to the longevity of my situation. we are 30 years together.

As for you being able to express yourself , that's great , a lot of people on here would love that ability I personally can't other than the simple I love you

yes well i feel like this is one of the cards in my hand and I haven't played it yet. Thanks to DB, and I mean that. I think if I was writing deep thoughtful letters to her earlier on, that would not have been good. I think now that a year has passed, it will have more of an impact when I do this. And the fact that a yaer has passed and I am still loving her means a little more than a month after she left. anyway we'll see. thanks.

[Gabs]

Gabs, I've been reading this posts and a lot, if not most, of your concerns resonate with me; especially what I quoted. I'm about a year behind you and in the initial stages of DB. My biggest concern is I think my W left me because I didn't express my love to her at all and going dark just reaffirms her decision to leave me.

Well hello there RDS. Glad to find someone who can relate.

So there has been an update.... a few days ago an email was going around with my wife and family members, concerning the fact that my father died and there is some aftermath regarding his widowed wife.... and my wife commented that "it is very difficult to lose someone you have spent so much time with in your life"

I could not resist answering. I wrote a simple email back to my wife saying "yes that is true."

She wrote back to me reminding me of the reasons that I "blew it." and what I did wrong. I just looked through them all and virtually all of them are as you say, I did not love her. I did not show her I loved her. I did not appreciate her.

THIS is why I feel a need to tell her how I feel. A year has gone by. I need to set the record straight and say yes I blew it but the fact remains that over the last year I have realized how much I do love and appreciate her. I just have to know that in her mind she knows how I really feel.

[Gabs]

I would argue that following DB advice is the hardest path you can take, so you should already feel good about what you've done in terms of suppressing your pursuit urges -- that's very, very difficult and takes a lot of discipline. Making that commitment comes from a place of love.

Acc

yes, it does come from love. however it also comes from fear. from this site i have obtained a very deep fear that if I do things such as pursuit, that I will destroy any chances I have. it is a very real fear that I have learned here.

It's to the point where my therapist is encouraging me to say something to her. he says it's not all black and white. I can say a simple short thing like, "this has been really difficult for me" or "I still miss you." and I shouldn't feel like I'm going to kill my chances. But I tell you I have this fear, and that is why I have kept my mouth shut and a smile on my face.

So my lack of pursuit is based on love and fear, if that means anything.

[Accuray]

Yes of course and that's very normal. When your relationship is in a state of crisis fear runs rampant and as you'll see many folks here tend to study and evaluate everything their walkaway spouse says and internalize it as if it's a final proclamation of some sort. People say stuff all the time for every reason under the sun and half the time they don't remember they said it. No one interaction is going to make or break the situation. The issue comes from repeating the same things over and over again that obviously are not working.

I know you've been at this long enough that you're not doing that, and I also know you know what I mean from the very early stages.

I think I shared with you before that often the person walking away views the LBS as a great big dam spilling over with emotion. They are afraid that if they show any vulnerability to the LBS, that the dam will break and they'll be awash in the LBS's uncontrolled emotions. The equivalent of someone grabbing your leg and refusing to let go.

As a result, they are on high alert for any signs that the dam is going to break.

After a year and with the behavior you've been describing your wife should feel reassured that you actually can survive just fine without her, which is a relief to her in many ways. That's why I think it's much "safer" now for you to write your letter than it would have been 6-9 months ago.

Because she's seen that you can be stable on your own, she's going to feel less need to run.

One thing that does bother me is the fact that your W seems to continue to hang this 100% on you as being the one who "blew it". In any relationship there are two people, and if she was doing an amazing job of meeting your needs, you would have been much more driven to meet hers. It's great to own your own shortcomings and to make amends for them, but don't ever buy into the "it's all your fault" thinking.

Good luck Gabs I hope you get the response you're looking for.

Acc