Wife has EA. OM is business acquaintance, married with 2 girls roughly the same age as mine. His wife doesn't know. W was remorseful at first, but quickly blamed me for everything and is no longer remorseful. I have confronted them and both said they would stop (I know OM too). I was very nervous about D at first (and went through a month where I did all the "wrong" things). We went to a few counseling sessions but stopped because W started every session by saying she is not ready to work on M. I have since done 180 (exercised, dropped 20 lbs and got noticeably ripped; quitted drinking completely, go to church regularly, increased patience with everyone, reconciled with my in-laws, not asking W of anything, read tons of materials on marriage/affairs/reconciliation) and even owned up to my share of the marriage deterioration (we both did our typical part to damage the relationship, and she is probably a WAW already before the EA). W noticed my changes but said "too little too late" and said she doesn't trust the changes. The last time we discussed, W said she will focus on kids and job and will stop contact, but I just found out they haven't. I didn't believe she would anyway... We originally agreed to a 3 month cool-off period where we would not talk about divorce, but I envisioned there would be no contact in the 3 month which has not been honored. We never set a hard date for the 3-month, but it should be coming up at the beginning of July. W still planning on short and long term family things (summer vacation; home renovations) as if she wants to stay married. We talk daily but not about our own relationship.
The forgiveness was there for W to take and I only wanted to move forward to build a stronger M for our girls to see (W knows that). But with the EA still going on (behind my back) there is no moving forward. I honestly feel I am in every way (physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually) a better person than when we first got married. On top of that, there is no one in the world (including W) who would not say I am a great father to my girls -- they completely love/adore me. But I think I am at the point where I will be the one to file for D since EA is not stopping. It pains me so much that I may have to be the one to rock their world. I want so much to save my marriage and family. There is a side of me (including my spiritual side) that urges me to have patient endurance and keep holding out hope a little longer. The other side of me say give-up, that W no longer deserves me, that I have repent for my part of the issues and the continuation of the EA is all on her and shows her lack of character -- that my girls will be ok. W has always been headstrong and liked me because I was tolerant and patient. Over the years as she blamed me more, I became less tolerant and less patient. Now I know how I should react in marriage but I don't think W will improve. I continue to pray for guidance but D seems inevitable.
----- Me: 41; W: 42 M: 11 D9 and D5 EA discovered 3/9/2016
Its a great thing that you found this site. A lot of great people with great advice. Everyday is a battle, I know. Sounds like you are doing some great things. As your probably have read, sometimes you can do everything right and still not get the outcome wanted. BUT, by focusing on you and want you want, you will come out on the other side stronger and in a better place, with or without the W.
I've been going through my sitch for over 4 months. It's still a struggle most days. But now there are more and more times during the day, that I feel better about myself because I am learning so much about myself and what my M was.
Stay strong!
M:13 years Known her for 30 years! Me: 40 W: 38 Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7 BD: 02/07/2016 Found EA: 3/22/2016 Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16 Got Papers: 6/15/16
