We can still be friends

[sandi2]

Her attraction can return, so take hope. Realistically, it will probably come in baby steps, b/c she is determined to resist any such attraction. Depending on her personality, she may be stubborn in letting you know if and when she does feel some attraction. WW's have a lot of false pride, and that's a big stumbling block to overcome. Nothing you can do about her false pride.

I am so glad you left the MC session feeling more hopeful. I suggest that you not discuss what was said in the session, or talk about the relationship outside the MC sessions at this time. How often are are your sessions scheduled?

BTW, just curious if the house is in her name only.

[liono]

I hear you on the stubbornness and false pride. I consistently get the feeling that she thinks she has it all figured out, she is (in her mind) 100% sure of the path we need to follow. I'm just keeping the squirrel/picnic image in mind. I'm just going to keep my nice picnic down here going.

Sessions are happening every 2 weeks. Good suggestion not to talk about R. I know it would be really easy to slip here. Any R talk or backsliding into beta mode would be taken as "proof" she was right and I'm incapable of finding that inner strength.

Interesting you ask about the house... I'm curious why Yes, it's in her name only, and there's a big story behind it.

She was very worried about finances because her first D she was scared of XH and basically left behind everything. She expressed big fear that I was going to turn into a monster once she started telling me how she really felt, and wanted to protect her hard earned assets. We both work, pretty well off all things considered. So we split everything up as personal property, nothing fancy, just everybody gets to keep what they earned: what's in my accounts are mine, what's in your accounts are yours. Both our names were on the house but I insisted that it was important for the kids to have a consistent home. I agreed to take my name off.

This was all before finding DB, so what's done is done, can't change the past. Even now, not sure if this was the right thing or not. Obviously part of me kept thinking "this is the precursor to D, she's just trying to be nice about it". Who knows, maybe. Was this giving up my power and pre-admitting defeat, or was it showing strength by insisting our kids are taken care of? Don't know. But I do know that she calmed down after we settled that, and she made no attempts to try to squeeze any of what's in my sole accounts, which is pretty substantial.

[liono]

Just wanted to share/journal about a couple things on my mind.

1- sleeping sitch
We have the 2 daughters and they always want to sleep in our room. We maybe let them twice a month, and we'll just share the bed or I'll just go in another room. It's fun. Fine. A couple weeks after BD though, W just started saying "Yes of course you can sleep here" every night. I started sleeping in one of my daughter's beds by default, and it's been that way consistently for maybe 3 weeks now. Now reading a bunch of threads here, I'm seeing "don't leave the MBR", so I'm kind of regretting it, but kind of feel like to try to do anything about it now would just be poking the bear.

Keep thinking of this picnic-squirrel image. It's like I mistakenly left part of my lunch too close to the tree. But I can't get up and go get it now. Not when the squirrel is just sort of sticking her head out to see what's going on. Just gotta keep moving forward and count the tiny improvements in other areas

2- I'm going on a business trip leaving tomorrow, for a week. I'll be in different time zone, different country. Perfect excuse to GAL while I'm there and keep communication to a minimum. Different time zone means there's really not much of a chance or expectation to communicate anyway. So my plan is try to focus on the kids for a daily Facetime, but other than that, basically keep my emails + texts to myself. Respond to requests, but mainly have lots of fun and do my job.

While I'm away, the W will have to do the cooking, getting kids ready, all the father stuff I'm normally responsible for. She's actually kind of excited about it, and I'm interested to see how it goes for her. Obviously tons of thoughts bouncing around in my head: from "she's going to see how hard it is and appreciate me much more" to "she's going to realize she is totally capable as a single mother and decide she doesn't need me at all". Ha! But I'm not sharing ANY of those fears with her, and just trying to keep DBing.

I'll miss everyone, and my kids especially, but since I have to be completely away anyway, best to just maximize the focus on myself and take advantage.

Any other brainstorms/suggestions on how to DB during the trip?

[sandi2]

While I'm away, the W will have to do the cooking, getting kids ready, all the father stuff I'm normally responsible for.

Wow, what's the mother stuff she's responsible for?

Now reading a bunch of threads here, I'm seeing "don't leave the MBR", so I'm kind of regretting it, but kind of feel like to try to do anything about it now would just be poking the bear

It would definitely poke the she-bear! I have encouraged the H of the wayward to not leave the MBR, and if they already had, to take it back. I encourage it b/c it represents a level of respect for the adult who is in charge of the home/family, which I believe should be the H (if he's living there). The problem I see in this situation is that this house is in your W's name alone. She may have legal leverage there, IDK. Have you ever checked about it?

I would not advise you to do anything without knowing where you stand legally. If she can legally kick you out.......it would not serve you well.

[liono]

It would definitely poke the she-bear! ...

I'll have to look around for some info on what exactly it means the house is in her name only. And I know i've read lots of similar stories to this.. but from the beginning she has said she wants us to remain friends, I can live in the house and we'll take care of the girls together but just live separate lives... And then I'll say or do something that will just make her feel threatened and the claws will come out.

Wow, what's the mother stuff she's responsible for?

Doing their hair. I can do ponytails.
We share a lot of responsibilities equally for playing/reading with kids, getting ready for bed. Normally I drop kids off at school in the morning, and she picks them up. I do feel like it's 60/40 me/her in terms of being a parent.

I'm out of country on a business trip right now. We had an argument the night before I left (what part of "don't talk about the R" don't I understand? argh....) but the argument ended sort of ok. We were able to calm down somewhat, but attitudes were very cool by the time I left, and it set us back a couple steps I'm sure.

With the time difference there's not a lot of opportunity to talk anyway. I've kept my texts to minimum/kids related (sending 2 pics of the teddy bear my kids sent with me, it's a tradition). But even with kids stuff, trying to keep it limited. After being very cool to me before I left, W started texting me a good amount yesterday. Got one message "still on road to work / Leaving late is tough / Will get to work by 10..I hope". Normally I drop kids off in the morning so her dealing with it is tough on her.

Got another text related to a financial thing "I wish I was savvy enough to understand the tax implications on my own". I have always done the taxes and been responsible for finances. I made a mistake one year that resulted in a large tax bill which has always been this source of insecurity for her. In our first MC session she said she was going to handle our taxes from now on and just tell me what we each had to pay. And then this message. Just all over the place. I'm just trying to remain the lighthouse and neutral in my responses.

[PacLove]

Liono - sounds like you and I play similar roles in our households, I do my D9 hair, ensure she gets dressed, eats breakfast and then off to school each day. Most nights I also take care of dinner and ensure she gets to bed on time. Keep it up! they need this consistency from us Dad's. My D has been a shinning star through all this.

As for the house, full disclosure - I'm not a L but California is a communal property state, so while the intent might have been to keep things separate, I'm pretty sure everything earned/purchased since date of Marriage is considered a joint asset, including the family home, any cars and investments. As an example, my W's car is in my name but it's still considered a joint asset as we only got it this spring.

So that bonus and stock she just got? I'd recommend talking to a L and get some advice... even if she physically separates tomorrow you may have some entitlement to it as the may have been earned while you were still together.
If you haven't already it would be a good idea to do an inventory of all financial assets, while you aren't officially separated you don't necessarily want W draining $'s from he savings if you are entitled to half ;-)

[liono]

Thanks PacLove. Yeah real similar, age different and everything!

That's true you point that out about CA. I'll look into it. Trying to channel "time is your friend".

Over here on my business trip, last few days W has called me to Facetime so I can see the kids. The window is really short. I'm about 8 hours ahead, so the only time that works is right when they're getting up in the morning before heading to daycare, and she's always rushed. So it's just been "hi, good to see you guys..." and me keeping up the cheerful attitude.

Having tons of fun myself here with coworkers and everything, exploring the city, sightseeing. Missing the family of course but genuinely enjoying myself. Will just keep cruising along.

[liono]

dear diary,
My smooth ride hit a big speed bump yesterday. Still away on my business trip (last day... I'm ready to go home), and my W texts me, we talk about some random stuff then she mentions my mom texted her something "weird".
Something along the lines "how are you enjoying time with the girls" "oh it's great" "well don't enjoy it too much (smiley) I'm sure <liono> missed you all".

Thanks mom. Not helping.

Further complicated by the fact my parents know what's going on, but don't realize W knows they know what's going on, so here's mom trying to be all "innocent" but totally comes across as a jab to W. So she gets really hurt and frustrated with me, has problems with me "sharing our private matters". Feels like I'm misrepresenting the situation and I should tell them the "whole story". Mind you this is all based on her being able to see all my texts between my parents, which in my mind, are pretty tame. Most of the meaty discussion has happened with me venting to my dad over the phone. And btw I thought I had fixed the text thing, but I guess they still show up on the ipad at home.

Barf, anyway I could go into more detail but you get the picture. W is telling me how hurt she is. She feels like "trust is eroding" and I'm making her look bad in front of my parents.

Mind you, all of this discussion is also happening over text. And it's all about other interactions that happened over text.

It was really hard to know how to react. I tried to validate and not defend or try to explain. I did a little of that, but glad I didn't go overboard. I'm just feeling really deflated, like we're taking one baby step forward at a time, then 5 giant steps back.

Now the initial flurry and panic is over, I'm trying to recenter myself a bit. I think the important things for me to remember right now are being the lighthouse. W's head is in a storm right now, and me trying to calm her or defend myself is probably only going to create more chaos. Standing strong and being a shining light is going to be the thing that surprises her (and it's also better for my own wellbeing. it's how I want to see myself as a man).

Part of me feels like I screwed this all up. Part of me wonders maybe this is just necessary. I've been told it gets worse before it gets better. It also gets worse before it gets worst So who knows.

Head is cloudy and I feel really confused and deflated. Just going to try to keep doing what works.
Not talk about R outside MC (next session is 1 week away).
Cheerful, lighthouse, strong.
GAL.
No more writing down ANYTHING related to R (right now I'm on work laptop, with browser in private mode, changing my db forum password to something unique and hard).